Our Adoption Journey

Busy! Busy!

2010-05-19T15:47:00.000-05:00

Well folks! This Friday will put me right at 36 weeks so we are getting close to "go" time! My pregnancy is going great but I am getting pretty tired! There is nothing in the whole world like having the honor of carrying around a human being inside your body! My Lil' Man is a busy boy...always wriggling around and squirming to get my attention! Okay...probably to get comfortable! From looking at my belly I would imagine things are getting tight in there!

I think we are officially ready! We even have our bags packed! However, I am still undecided on his coming home outfit. I picked two things out but I am not sure about either of them! He has more clothes than his mommy and daddy and we have three showers in the next two weeks and two to follow after he is born! Amazing! I told David last night that I can't believe how many people love our little guy already!

I just keep having this recurring thought that God is soooooooo faithful. It's more so than I ever even believed. It's not like my heart knew it but my head didn't get it. I mean I just didn't know the depth. I think of all the many things He has done to protect me during my pregnancy...the financial things that He worked out for us the last few months...it is incredible!

I like what I call word art and during the last few years I have incorporated lots onf things into my home that have the word "believe" on them. I just thought that if I would keep believing then one day I would be a mommy. Truth be told - I had lost my faith and maybe only halfway believed. David and I were so taxed emotionally from the roller coaster of adoptions and potential placements that we had basically decided we would give it up if it didn't happen by September. We decided we could live with not being parents afterall! Little did we know what was in store!

I absolutely can't wait to me my son and introduce Him to all of you, too! :)

Starting to feel pregnant...31 weeks and counting

2010-04-22T19:19:00.000-05:00

Other than my ever expanding waistline and the need to take somebody down for a milkshake...I am starting to have other symptoms! I looked down last night and my ankles were swollen! This morning I was dizzy as bat! Funny...I guess my body said, "Well, since you know you are pregnant, let's start acting like it!"

Baby boy is very active and David and I are getting the biggest kick out of feeling him move around! You can actually see my whole belly move through my shirt! It is the most amazing feeling to feel him move around in there and also very strange! I think he is working on mastering the log roll roll this week!

I keep walking by the refrigerator and seeing his sweet face from my ultrasound picture and I am in disbelief that I have a human growing inside me! I never dreamed in a million years that this would ever happen and it is still sinking in slowly! I will post some picture of my belly and of his little face sometime later this week!

I had a surprise shower yesterday with a group of ladies I work with and it was surreal to open baby gifts! Especially for my own little man growing right inside me! He got lots of great things and I have managed to get my thank you notes written already!

David and I are now on the countdown to getting all of our household things done that need to happen before baby boy gets here. We made a list and are trying to accomplish a little each day! Please keep us in your thoughts and prayers that everything keeps going smoothly!

I am probably going to move to another blog and keep this one behind. The title needs to change although this little man is part of our story on the road to adoption. I am perplexed because I have so many thoughts and feelings wrapped up here that I don't know what to do. Keep this blog or start anew. Still pondering...

Eight words...It is a boy....God is soooooooooo good!!!!!

2010-04-18T18:38:00.000-05:00

That's right folks...I never ever thought the day would come that I could tell you that David and I are finally going to have a little one! However, it has! David and I will welcome a baby on June 20, 2010! About 9 more weeks! But guess what? It's not through adoption....I AM PREGNANT! 31 weeks today!!! Now...pick up your jaws and begin the questions! What? When? How come you didn't tell us sooner?

Well the sights and sounds and images of the last week will have to be shared with you as I have time to process it all. I want to share the story with you in a very real way. So for now I will just share a few details.

Because I constantly felt bloated and David said I was moody I took a pregnancy test on a whim. I hadn't had any morning sickness and because of a medical condition; missed cycles are nothing! It's just par for the course. So that was not an indicator! When I took the test on a whim it was so funny becasue David and I had spent the weekend putting hardwood in our bedroom. It was a Saturday night and we took a late night trip to the grocery to get something for dinner. We had the whole "Do you think I am pregnant talk?" In one million years I never ever thought I would be. I have used those sticks more than once with no result. So David went in and bought the stick...no big deal. I came home...opened it and did the business at hand. In 10 seconds the plus popped up and my eyes popped out of my head. I scrambled to read that piece of paper not believing my eyes! I ran into the kitchen and not very gracefully told David I thought I was pregnant. Then I called my sister who is a nurse and said what is the liklihood of false positives?

I made a doctr's appointment on Monday. They said come on Friday. Friday rolls around and the doctor was out sick!! What? No way! So anyway, I had to wait until the following Wednesday which was last wednesday. When she measured me she said you measure 26 weeks! WHAT?? Can't be! That's too far along! When I had my ultrasound that afternoon and they really were able to measure the baby I measured 30 weeks and 3 days! I could have rolled off the table! You want to praise God! Jump off the table! Cry in joy and in panic! So yes folks, we are having a baby!

We are in orbit right now and I have so much more to share with you when there is more time. I want to take my time and tell God's story carefully as it has been laid on my heart! Thank you for all your thoughts, prayers and encouragements over the years! God was faithful when I was not and I can't wait to tell you the story of His glory demonstrated through me! Stay tuned! Wish I could saee your faces! :)

Why did I do it?

2010-03-24T16:07:00.000-05:00

Why did I do it? Why did I go online today to our adoption agency website? So I could look at all the waiting family profiles for our area. I mean let's see who all we have waiting!? I was not surprised to find many new couples but then I see what I did't want to see...the word placement over more couples that started the same time we did. It just reaffirms that we are still in the land of nowhere! No news! No calls! No emails! No letters! Just more months and more days of waiitng!! I knew better than to go on the web! I knew it! But I did it anyway. Looks folks... in 9 more days we hit the 19 month mark! That's almost two years of our lives we have spent waiitng for "the call!"

Everyday you wake up and in the back of your mind you think maybe today...then 100 days pass and they only proved to be mere possibilities. It's almost two more years of our lives that we have have been childless. Two more years of waiting for what never comes. Honestly, I don't know how much longer I can stand it. God knows I was never made of patience and this has taken everything I have had to make it through. All the while I see friends have babies, take placements, etc and I remain.

David and I have recently began discussing how we would feel if we never had children and I think we have decided we could be okay with that. Sure we could continue to wait and hope that one day we will get a call but it's the nagging on your heart in all the between times that you can't stand. Perhaps I could feel better knowing that the wait was over and that I didn't wake up everyday and wonder. Maybe just deciding to call it a day with the adoption would be better. The living your life in constant anticipation on pins and needles isn't doing it for me. Afterall, not everybody is meant to be a parent. Maybe we are on one those folks.

Sunny Days

2010-02-27T12:07:00.002-06:00

So I am sitting in the study waiting for Dae to rise! Yes folks...it's noon already! Oh well, he has been sick and can't quite shake it so I am letting him rest! However, the sunshine outside is really beckoning me to go out in it! I don't know about the rest of you but I am so ready for warmer weather! I am ready for green leaves, green grass, flowers, hummingbirds and all other sort of great things!

We were thinking of catching a movie today but I am thinking that the park might be nicer! We have been trying to get there for several weeks but there is always something else in the way. I have some remnants of a loaf of bread that the ducks would really enjoy!

The pups are loving the sun also! Roxie laid on the back deck this morning taking it all in as if she were a sun sponge! I am thinking they would probably really appreciate a walk around the block since the weather is so nice! So it seems like I should get off of here and get busy! Happy sunny day everybody!

heavy heart

2010-02-12T11:33:00.000-06:00

I write with a heavy heart without really knowing what to write. My friend H was scheduled to bring home her son through domestic adoption today and has discovered that the birthmother has not signed her termination papers as planned yesterday. I don't take sides...H knew it wasn't 100% certain...all of us adopting know how the process works and all the potential regrets. I also fully believe in the rights of birthmoms. I can't fathom what they go through. It is actually unconceivable to me. I have never been able to wrap my mind around that. I just feel the weight of the situation on both sides.

As I continue to wait for the day I receive that call, I still can't envision what the experience will be like for us. We have been waiting 17 months and 8 days for a potential "match." We started the process well over a year before that approal date. It is a journey you can't wrap your mind around if you have not been in the same shoes. It is hard on you as a person, your marriage and your friends and family who hope and pray and love you all the way through!

Prayers for H today, please!

Sickness and Healing

2010-02-08T18:05:00.000-06:00

So David has been sick for going on 8 days...actually he has been sick in some capacity for about a month. However, it was getting worse. One thing was this cough that sounded like a lung might be dispensed at any moment! We went to the best doctor in the world today! Seriously, he is great! He prescribed D with over 200.00 dollars in prescriptions so let's hope he gets some much needed releif. Neither one of us has slept much so I hope rest comes soon! I hate it when D gets sick because he really gets sick! Send up a little prayer of healing for him, won't you?! Please! :)

Changing Churches - to do or not to do?

2010-01-30T09:49:00.000-06:00

David and I are at a crossroads related to our church. The church that we once loved has changed over the last few months and I don't really know if it's the place for us. I don't really feel anything when I go anymore. I deeply respect our pastor but he seems to be changing and I am not sure it's the change we want to make. We both feel that he has used the pulpit for his own personal agenda multiple times and that deeply bothers both of us.

I want a Bible based church but the approach seems to be to have someone read a scripture and then the actual sermon is a story from present day about someone or some thing that has happened without reference to the Bible again. I really am a beginner Christian and I did not grow up in the church so I have so much to learn. I honestly don't feel like I learn much at church. The numbers have dwindled and there are few people our age. Even the choir has shrunk - sometimes their literally may only be 4 people up there.

You could be absent for weeks and nobody so much as calls to see if you are alive. Now, I don't need to somebody to dote on me and call me everytime I'm not there but the fact that nobody notices for weeks is alarming. Our grapevine leader has not contacted us for a whole year. Our pastor will say he is going to start up this or that and we get excited and it never happens.

We haven't been to church in a while because we frankly have been really disatisfied. We have looked around and tryed to figure out if we should try somewhere else but we hate the thought of church shopping. When do you know whether or not you need to find a new church? That is the question.

Catching up...

2010-01-30T09:36:00.000-06:00

I am slowly realizing that I never have anything to say! :) I jump on here and read often but I can't think of anything fascinating to write about. We have NO baby news! As a matter of a fact, our counselor may have moved to the far East and we wouldn't know. It's complete silence on that homefront. The longer it takes the easier it becomes to not think about it so much. Sometimes I think...adoption...are we really in the process? It's because there is absoutely no news. I barely even look in the nursery when I go down the hall and sometimes I have to wonder why we have so much baby stuff because the possibility of a baby seems so distant now. On Feb. 4 we will have been waiting 17 months. That really is a long time.

Our counselor told us one time that the average wait is 18 to 36 months so we basically haven't even hit the average. I can tell you right now...I won't be able to wait 36 months! I don't have it in me. This I am sure of. I think the other thing that makes it so hard is that out of all the friends we have made through Bethany - they have either had placements or are anxiously waiting! :) So that leaves me feeling kind of out there by myself.

David and I have been discussing how long it has taken and we are slowly coming to the realization that at this rate this is likely the only child we will ever have - if he/she ever comes. We aren't old but getting older and the process takes so long. We both have siblings and hate the thought of our child being an only child. I have so many great memories all revolving around my brothers and sisters! :)

Adoption, for most, is a long, hard road and not for the faint of heart. It takes all you have and then you have to ask God to borrow more so you can make it. There are the easy days and the very difficult days. No matter what happens I will always have a healthy respect for anyone that even considers it.

Hope you had a Merry Christmas!

2009-12-26T11:53:00.000-06:00

I wish I would have had the opportunity to wish you a Merry Christmas before Christmas but I guess now will have to do! So, "Merry Christmas!" I hope you all had a wonderful Christmas! We had a fun time yesterday with my family. We won't see David's side of the family until New Years but that will be fun, too! We can stretch the holidays out that way! :)

I was looking at the decorations this morning thinking if they will see the attic and another Christmas before we see a baby in our home! Baby surprise has had a Christams tree and presents in his/her room since last Christmas and I vowed not to take it down until baby came but I am seriously considering it. There just doesn't seem to be a reason to leave it up and me keeping a tree up won't make it happen any faster. Actually the tree is just a reminder of how long it's been! So, it's coming down! I can't even remember what the presents are right now so it will be fun to see what I bought last year! :)

Please say a special prayer for my friend, Holly, who's mom is struggling in the hospital over Christmas. Also, please say a prayer for all the children an families, all over the world, who are waiting to be made forever families. The holidays are especially hard because it feels like part of your family is missing.

Lastly, be very thankful for your health, happiness, family and blessings! I have heard about many people having hardships right now and I am feeling so blessed. I hope you all have a wonderful New Year!

Happy Anniversary

2009-12-02T15:17:00.000-06:00

Hello friends! I just wanted to tell you that today is our wedding anniversary! We have been married 9 years. We have celebrated in phases because we are going to a wedding when we would normally celebrate. Tonight we are going out for a laid back dinner after work. We are thinking that we should do something really cool next year since it will be 10 years! Just wanted to share...hope you all are well!

Nothing brings out the Christmas spirit like Black Friday!

2009-11-28T09:22:00.000-06:00

Oh my goodness! David and I have a tradition of getting up early on Black Friday and hitting the stores! This is typically where I do the bulk of my shopping. But because we have been "under the weather" we got a much later start. I thought this might be better because of all the other nuts out early like us! WRONG! The first store I went into had a 45 minute line. So I got David to stand in line and I shopped. When the load got to heavy I would dump my stuff off with him and make another round. However, there were the most rude and hateful people out yesterday. People just standing in the midle of an isle so you couldn't get by and groaning if you pushed your way through anyway! Nothing like the old Christmas Spirit!

Today is going to be part wrapping palooza and part putting up Christmas trees and then a date with David! Think we are celebrating our anniversary today since my friend Ashley decided to get married next weekend when we would normally celebrate! On December 2, 2009 we will be married 9 years! Can you believe it? 9 years and no babies?! Perhaps year 10 will look differently!

Joy comes in the morning....

2009-11-21T12:37:00.000-06:00

Well...after a crazy day yesterday I am glad to wake up today satisfied with our decision and feeling good about it! I was talking to David yesterday on the way home and we were discussing how this adoption process makes us feel heavy. It feels like you are always waiting for something to happen, always carrying something around on your back like a weight. It's hard to describe but I am sure those of you who are reading and waiting know exactly what I mean. Anyway, today I feel joyful and a little bit lighter than yesterday! So for that I am relieved. It's off to the start of a busy Saturday for me! I thank each of you for reading and posting and making me feel like I didn't make a poor decision!

On the adoption front...

2009-11-20T16:11:00.000-06:00

We received an email today asking us our permission for our profile to be shown which is weird because our agency doesn't operate that way anymore. It turned out to be an odd situation. The Birthmom is actually part of MTV's show 16 and pregnant. So by agreeing to be shown we would then agree to say yes if we were chosen. By agreeing to do those to things we would have to sign many legal releases and be filmed for television! Wow! Talk about your odd email's. Those don't happen everyday. We had until 3 this afternoon to decide.

So what are you thinking? Crazy, huh? Would you do it?

We decided that we did not want to be shown. To me that is adding to many layers to an already difficult situation. In the past, we have been open to being shown anytime we have gotten a call but there is no way I could live out those moments of my life on television!

I had a pit in my stomach over it even though my gut reaction was "no." I felt like I was passing up an opportunity and I beat myself up. I thought - You could have had a baby! Then I thought, how pathethic, Jennifer? Are you so desperate that you would do something that feels wrong in your heart of hearts...something you know you don't want to do?! I would actually enter into a legal agreement and let the world watch my experince on MTV!? So I feel good about the decision we made.

So if we were chosen, which was never a guarantee, we would have had a baby before Christmas. Can you believe that? What a gift that would have been, huh? So - today was a very bizarre day. I just thought I would share with you guys....

Met up with another Bethany family

2009-11-08T11:36:00.000-06:00

David and I went out to dinner Friday night and it was delicious! Upon our return to the car, we ran into a couple that started in the same orientation class with us for our adoption. At first, I only saw the wife. Then around the corner walks her husband with child in tow! Oh boy! This is the time I want to run and hide but that would be rude! In talking to them we found out that they had placement a year ago! Wow! Really? You have had your baby for a year! We have been waiting for 14 months and 6 days today! What would it be like for us to have been parents for a year already?

She goes on to tell us that they didn't even receive placement through the agency. They received placement through Catholic Charities after 3 failed placements with our agency. So now my wheels are turning. I have been trying to think about other options to explore but now I am really thinking about it! However, how do you decide? We have already paid so much money into our current agency and we don't have enough to start all over again. I am starting to feel trapped. Of course I feel impatient and anxious, too. It's just amazing that so many of the familes we started with have their children already and everyday we just sit back and wonder when it might be our turn.

Please, please don't tell me that God has our child and when it is meant to be it will happen! I beg you not to tell me that! It's not that I don't understand that but I get tired of hearing it because to be honest with you it doesn't feel that way in my heart most days. In my head - I get it! It's my heart that doesn't want to hear that. 14 months is 14 months and it's a really long time to wait. I mean think of all the things that have happened in your life the last 14 months! It's a whole year in your life! Some of you have had babies of your own, some have had placements, some have brought your children home, some have remained in waiting.

As it's getting closer to Christmas, I can't help but think of this time last year - feeling sure that this year I would be a mom. We still have a tiny Christmas tree in our nursery that I put up last year with tiny gifts underneath. I swore I would leave it up until baby came home but I have an urge to pick the whole thing up and dispose of it in the garbage because it feels more like a slap in the face.

I was sure that I would get used to waiting and it would be easier in time but that's not true. It's opposite actually. I thought I would be highly skilled at this by now. Unfortunately, I am not. So I wait and wonder. Are we with the right agency? What are all my options? Where will I be six months or a year from now? So many questions!

I am happy for the family that we met. But as always I am sad for me. The wife said to me, "We are going to pray for you. It's going to happen soon for you - I just know it is!" Yes....we have heard that before and I hope you are right.

Problem posting?

2009-09-19T10:15:00.001-05:00

I have had a few people tell me that they have been trying to leave comments but can't! Please email me at davandjen@yahoo.com and tell me if this is the case! I can't figure out what is going on with this silly thing! Any suggestions/ideas/hints?

Potluck Coupon Train - All Aboard - Email Me!

2009-09-05T14:27:00.001-05:00

Okay...so I am a coupon lover! When I really work at it I can save a ton of money. My friend told me about coupon trains a while back but the train she was on was full. Basically thereare passengers and conductors. The conductors start the train and the passengers keep it moving!

I want to start a coupon train! It would be a potluck train...meaning coupons from the Sunday paper, mailers, pizza coupons, baby coupons - basically any coupons. I'm not interested in a specialized train because I think having a variety would meet the most needs. So I am volunteering to be the conductor! Who will be my passengers? What the heck am I talking about?

It's simple really. I will start an envelope with coupons in it. I will send it to a passenger who signs up to "ride" the train. That passenger takes out a number of coupons they will use...say 10 for example. The catch is that they have to put 10 back in. Then they send it on to the next passenger on the list and this goes on until it get backs to the conductor. Then the process keeps going.

The conductor can set up rules like how many coupons a passenger can take, how soon you need to mail the envelope forward, etc. I am open to suggestions since I have never done this before. I was thinking about 5 -10 people on the train. So if you are interested please email me at davandjen@yahoo.com and put "coupon train" in the subject line. I will keep the invitation open until next friday evening. That will give everyone a week. Please send me your suggestions and I will put everything together and set up a distribution list! I think this could be fun! If you are intersted or have questions let me know!!

Happy Long Weekend!

One Year Mark

2009-09-02T22:30:00.000-05:00

I never dreamed that one year after we were approved for domestic adoption we would still be here waiting with empty arms. I have been thinking about what we were doing this time last year. We were actually on vacation. So here we are a year later. No baby. No activity. Nothing. I feel cold and aloof today. I also feel like I have earned some sort of badge. I can now say that we have made it through the one year mark. I don't know if it gets easier or harder but it feels like we have crossed a big bump in the road if nothing else. I can't help but wonder where we will be a year from now...

An Odd Saturday Morning

2009-08-29T09:30:00.000-05:00

So I couldn't really sleep in this morning. That's the way it always is on Saturdays but you can bet Monday - Friday I would love to snooze til 9 or 10! Anyway, I get up and stumble around. Ginger, my black lab, was laying at the foot of our bed cutting off the circulation to David's legs and I went I got she followed me. About that time I quickly remeber that she has got to go to the vet for a urinalysis becasue of some medicine she takes. They had mentioned that they may have to extract it if she would go while we were there. I was afraid she wouldn't so I sen d David outside to follow her for her morning potty. Weird, I know. I was just trying to save her from some weird "extraction" process. So I fumble around in the pantry and find a clean but empty recycled sour cream container. That was the vessel of choice. Success! Ginger did what he needed to do and we got what we needed! That's an odd way to start a Saturday, don't you think? Catching doggie dribble in a recycled container?

Then she had a visitor while we were out there. Our yard is fenced in and a little neighbor dog came to see her and she didn't even bark. That's even more weird because she barks at children 15 miles away! :)

The third weird thing about this Saturday morning is that I am eating chips for breakfast. This is actually my buddy Gavin's fault. He probably has no idea that years ago when we worked together he brought in these chips one day that would begin a multi-year addiction to them. They are Lay's Kettle Cooked Mesquite Barbeque Extra Crunchy Potato Chips! I am not a huge chip person but I have loved these since the day I met them. Thanks for introducing me Gavin! :) I think Elizabeth and I ate your whole bag so I should apologize for that. Sorry! ")

So it's early...not even 10 am. What other oddities will follow me through this day?

There's gotta be something else...

2009-08-26T21:47:00.000-05:00

(Long sigh.) There has got to be something else I can write about on this blog besides the long, roller coaster ride of waiting for placement - but what?! I need an idea! I am sad about waiting. I am anxious about waiting. I am tired of being sad and anxious about waiting!!!! I want to share my thoughts and have an outlet to express frustration but at the same time I want something else "to say." Is my life that boring? I need some inspiration? Hmmmmmm.......to be continued!

Priceless experience

2009-08-18T22:03:00.001-05:00

David and I were so fortunate to get to go last night and visit our friends who just had a baby. He was perfect in every way which was a blessing because he arrived several weeks early. The proud parents were beaming and glowing! We are delighted for them and so happy that we got to soak up part of their moment. I could not be more thrilled for them! They are wonderful people and now they are on their way to a beautiful family. They are just genuine, real people and they have received a wonderful treasure from God. Holding their newborn son was such a joy for me and I have to admit a heartbreak.

Sometimes I shy away from showers and births and the like because it is difficult. On the other hand, "they" are your friends and you want to be part of their life and share in their joy. We just love these guys too much not to go and see them but boy, is my heart sick?! But I am SO GLAD I went! Their son is precious! What an indescribable gift?!

David and I have almost hit the one year of waiting mark and each day that passes is twice as hard as the one before. Some days it seems like our call has to come soon. But most days it seems like a small possibility that it will ever happen. I knew the wait would be difficult but for some reason I thought we wouldn't have to wait so long.

Most days I am beyond frustrated. I can't seem to find anything to do to pass the time away and so few people understand this experience that it's hard to find people to relate to. I actually am at the point where I get mad at God many days. I feel ignored no matter how many verses I try to focus on. We are at a cross roads trying to decide to if this is God's plan for us. What a terribly difficult decision....

What to do today?

2009-08-15T10:53:00.000-05:00

I was so looking forward to sleeping in on this bright and shiny Saturday but I was up with the sun! Why is it that most days I can't pry my eyes open but on Saturday's I wake right up? It's a mystery to me!

So I caught up with my email, facebook and my blog buddies this morning and I have the whole day in front of me! So what to do? Should I go shopping? Go to a movie? Read one of the three new books I purchased? Be lazy? Make cookies? It's all up in the air! I think I shuld make some lunch first. I am getting hungry!

Almost one year later...

2009-07-18T11:20:00.000-05:00

Well, like our adoption buddies, Holly and Donnie, we are fast approaching the "one year of waiting for baby" mark! This has been the most difficult, thought-provoking two years of our marriage - from deciding to go through the process, until now.

As many of you now, I have moved to a new agency with the grant I work with. That means more paperwork for the adoption agency. It is also about time for us to "re-up" our agreement with our agency. (Agreement is probably not the right word...you know what I mean though!) So we have been thinking about it a lot.

This year has been something you could not possibly understand unless you have been through the process. That is one aspect that makes adoption so difficult. So few people in your "circle" understand. When they try to be helpful, they often end up saying things that make you want to claw you eyes out. My very favorite - "As soon as you bring that baby home, you will get pregnant!" Really, you think...well, that would be interesting considering we have been trying for more than 5 years!!! It's not like we tried for 2 months and said..."we give up!"

Anyway, I was trying to think of what the adoption process feels like for those of you who have no experience with it. I will put a few bullets down below:

*Waiting for 365 days (on pins and needles) for the one day that will forever change your life and...it never comes.

*Going on a job interview for the one job you know that you were meant to have...and never hearing from them.

*Like a box of cereal on the shelf just hoping to be picked up...but everybody passes you by for another "flavor."

*Like a puddle....slowly evaporating after a hot day.

*Like playing the lottery everyday...never having the winning number.

*Having your heart so hopeful that it could burst...the next day you feel like it could never be full again!

So, anyway - we are wondering...do we "re-up" for another year? Not because we are quitters but because it is a very painful process that you inflict on yourself. We are putting ourselves through this on purpose and it is painfully hard. Why do we keep doing it? The reality is that there really is no guarantee that we will ever be picked. I mean there is not. It is up to someone else and there are many other families out there to choose from. We can keep torturing ourselves but for how long do you do it? How many days, weeks, months and years do you spend wondering if today will be the day?

So much going on...

2009-07-18T11:11:00.000-05:00

Oh my goodness! Could it be that I haven't posted in so long? Absolutely! We have been crazy busy and the times I have thought to post I couldn't figure out just what I wanted to say. We have had the absolute craziest 3 months of our entire married lives! I won't go into details here, so just trust me. However, things are settling back down. One of the things that made it crazy was my work. I have worked on a grant program for 7 years and our grant went out for bid... fast-forward...months later, I have the same job at a totally new place because a new bidder was found! That brought with it a huge physical move and on a ton of stress but I LOVE where I am at now! I prayed to be away from where I was and God, liteally, answered my prayers! I would love to tell you where I am but I am always cautioned about anonimity because of the adoption - so I won't. Anyway, we are alive and very busy!

A big congratulations to Rebekah and Ben at Heart Cries on the birth of their beautiful baby boy! What an indescribale gift?! A shout out to Holly and Donnie - we are approaching the one year mark of waiting also and have more questions than answers! You are in my prayers!

Ahhh...Peace & Quiet

2009-05-21T18:35:00.000-05:00

I am sitting in our beautiful downtown library. I got finished with my afternoon appointment early - before it was time to pick up David - but not enough time to make it back into the office. I decided I would hang out at the library and Dae walked over to meet me when it was quitting time! I am staring down the long weekend with plans of rest and relaxation. I took tomorrow off for a much needed breather. I am actually going to hang out with my 10 and 13 year old nieces tomorrow. I need to be reminded how to relax and kick back and who better to remind you of the simple joys of life than kid-dos! Truth be told I will most likely be exhausted and partially broke after our girls day but it Will be so worth it! If we do anything fun I will report back! A big shout out to Holly and Rebekah for praying for me and encouraging me! You guys are the best and always there when nobody else quite "gets it!"

Potential Placement - Flop!

2009-05-20T22:16:00.000-05:00

Well, I thought I would update you on our last "situation" as our social worker calls them. Turns out that the birthmother had not told her family that she was 5 months pregnant. They actually found out when our profile was on it's way to Knoxville. They stepped up and she is going to parent. I am trying to stay positive but we have just about hit the 9 month mark of waiting and I am starting to become disenchanted with the process. It doesn't help that I don't agree with the way the agency is going to begin showing profiles. It's like some wild possibility that looms out there - that we might actually have a baby someday - but the truth is, in actuality, there really is no guarantee that we will ever be chosen.

I'm Back!!!

2009-05-14T00:14:00.000-05:00

WOW! It has been a long, long time since I have posted! We are still kicking. I have just been in a slump. I have some extremely difficult things happening at work and David has been recovering from his surgery that he had a few weeks ago! We have been CRAZY busy!

I hope that you guys haven't given up reading our blog even though we haven't had much for you to read lately. I really aspire to write so much more but I work all day at work and then I put in a few hours at home so I have no time. David is busy getting ready to sit for the first part of his CPA test. Prayers, please!

Well, we got our second call yesterday about a potential match with a birthmom. Apparently she found our profile on the internet and contacted our local agency. They mailed off our profile today as she is in another town. I'm just keeping it in the back of my mind. I was so excited last time and my heart broke in half when we were not chosen. So...I am keeping a lid on it this time. We will let you know. A call is exciting but then the fear of rejection looms!

A nice gentleman named Blake that was at our playgroup the other night had a great piece of advice he shared. He and his wife have adopted once before and they have been waiting for about 9 months for their second child. He was saying how he was getting anxious and he said he had just prayed that the waiting wouldn't be the first thing on his mind everyday. How simple?! But how true? I am going to start doing the same thing. Somedays it feels like it will never happen...like it's just this thing in the back of your mind. Other days it feels like it's just around the corner. So for all of you that are waiting...my prayers are with you tonight. May God speed the process and keep our minds busy while we suffer through the difficult wait.

When God speaks....I can read it!

2009-03-15T21:43:00.000-05:00

So...last week I went to Lifeway and I found a really cool Ancient Faith Bible. It was pretty neat looking and it was hardback. It also had a wrap around magnetic closure and it was only 5 bucks! Sold! It is the perfect size to tote around with me and since it is encased and in hardback I can throw it in my bag without it getting destroyed.

So anyway, I was on my way to work last week and I was trying to find a verse I wanted to investigate further. (Oh, David was driving. Don't worry...I was not reading and driving although I have seen it done.) I thought the said verse was in the book of James. So I starting reading the first chapter - first verse. Now get ready - here is the funny part! The chapter starts out this way:

"Consider it a great joy, my brothers, whenever you experience various trials, knowing that the testing of your faith produces endurance. But endurance must do it's complete work, so that you may be mature and complete, lacking nothing. Now if any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives all generously and without criticizing, and it will be given to him. But let him ask in faith without doubting. For the doubter is like the surging sea, driven and tossed by the wind. That person should not expect to receive anything from the Lord. An indecisive man is unstable in all his ways." James 1: 2-8

Is this a subtle message; I ask God!? We have definitely just gone through a trial last week when our profile was shown and then we were not chosen. It was a bad trial! A tough trial! A not fun thing! A heartbreak! I could go on but I won't.

If the testing of my faith will produce endurance I should be ready for a marathon very soon! Maybe a triathlon even because I can tell you that I am having some serious questions right now! My faith has been challenged for sure. Then I read - endurance must run it's course. Oh boy! How many rejections will we have before endurance has run it's course? Oh, goodness! Seriously? Really? God, are you telling me I'm in for the long haul? You know I am weak in spirit and I am somewhat of a doubter right now. Because my faith is low I am being tossed about in the sea? Yes, I am. I get it! I hear you! Now just help me learn to get through it! Can you help me with some extra patience perhaps? Can you spare some extra grace and give it to me? I have said some not so nice things to you the last few weeks.

Oh but it does not end there my blog reader-people! Let me tell you what came after that in the book of James...

"Blessed is the man who endures trails, because when he passes the test he will receive the crown of life that He has promised to those who love Him. No one undergoing a trial should say, "I am being tempted by God." For God is not tempted by evil and He Himself doesn't tempt anyone. But each person is tempted when he is drawn away and enticed by his own evil desires. Then after desire has conceived, it gives birth to sin, and when sin is fully grown, it gives birth to death." James 1: 12-15

Ha! Then the big one...this next verse is actually stenciled on the wall above our baby's crib... "Every generous act and every perfect gift is from above..." James 1:17

I rest my case people! I needed to hear that and God showed me the way. This is so funny because I was just telling David that I never hear God. I know some people do but I never feel like I do. I try. I listen but I just don't hear it. But God, being who He is, does know that even though my skull may be thick; I can still read very well.

Just had to share that. I think it speaks for itself. By the way...the verse I was looking for was in Samuel! :)

Bradford Pear Trees Stink!

2009-03-11T22:07:00.000-05:00

This has nothing to do with our adoption but I thought it was a noteworthy rambling. If you are a blogger that lives in Middle Tennessee like we do, you may have noticed a strange smell in the air. No....not strange - just bad! If you have many Bradford Pear trees near you they very likely are to blame. We have many on the campus where I work and they are in full bloom. When you step out of your car you get a faceful of it. This crazy weather has them in full bloom! Killer on allergies, too! Pretty but stinky! Random, I know.

Nameless Entry

2009-03-09T17:26:00.000-05:00

I have been trying to think of a title for this post but I can't decide on one. Some great ones come to mind but I will spare you a ride on my emotion coaster for the moment. To catch you guys up, we got a call the Friday before last from our social worker. They wanted to show our profile. Thrilling!!! We were overjoyed. We told a few people that we thought would really pray for us and I know they did. Well it was a long 11 days. We were excited, cautious, thrilled, overjoyed, prayerful and hopeful. I woke up this past Friday knowing that this wasn't our time. I get feelings like that a lot and 99% of the time they prove true. Well...we got the call today that this wasn't our time, indeed. I think I knew that as of Friday morning but we found out officially today.

I think I have decided that I am going to suck at this. I know, it's an ugly word but it's how I feel. The waiting to be chosen to only to be rejected thing. I sort of feel like this item on a shelf at the store. There are four other similar to me and I am just hoping that somebody will choose me instead of the others beside me. Our agency shows five profiles at a time. So you have an 80% chance of rejection and a 20% chance of being chosen. Nice odds, huh? Well, the 80% rule swung in our favor. No baby for us this time. I know we have only been officially waiting for 6 months but you know, I don't care - it still sucks! It's awful.

I was thinking that some chance was better than no chance. That a nibble was better than an empty hook but I think I have changed my mind. I have not sleep well in 11 days and it's all I can think about every minute of the day. So I am not made for this. This waiting only to be rejected. It's not my thing. I have had some pretty wild thoughts over the last few days in particular. Things I won't go into but I have just been questioning a lot of things I thought I was solidly surer of. Today - not so sure of anything.

I have been trying to pep myself up today - make myself feel better. Trying to focus on God's word. Things like...His timing is perfect, that He has plans to prosper me and not harm me, that all things work for good for those that love Him and are called according to His purpose, knowing that He too was rejected, knowing I should be patient and wait upon the Lord, that when the child He wants for us is ready than it will be...However, blowing those words into the wind is as easy as blowing the top off of a dry dandelion. That's not pretty. It's not showing strong faith in Him. Maybe not what a Christian woman should say. But it's the ugly truth. It's how I feel today and that's what's on my mind. Lucky I have a place to speak my mind I guess.

I feel hard hearted today. I wonder how many times I can do this because the first time was so horrible for me. Maybe this is what I think I am supposed to do but yet I am not strong enough to do so.

Carrying a heavy heart

2009-02-25T21:56:00.000-06:00

Tonight I write with a heavy heart. I have had a sobbering day. As I sit in the quietness of my warm house with my toasty blanket across my lap I can't help but think how lucky I am. I have gotten to talk to my friends today and my family. My husband is in the other room studying for a test that will advance his career and our lives. My doggie-daughters are all snug in their beds. I just had a warm bowl of soup. I have a cozy bed to retire to in a few minutes. I worship a loving God. I have money for gas and food tomorrow. There is also food in the pantry. I have a job to go to tomorrow. I have, in essence, so many things to be thankful for yet realizing that so many people don't makes my heart heavy.

I guess this story starts yesterday. My husband brought home a paper that was being sold by a homeless man in Nashville. He told me about the paper a few weeks ago and I told him to buy one so we could check it out. The paper is actually what they refer to as a street newspaper. It is called The Contributer. It's purpose and goal is to highlight the many facets of the homeless population in the city of Nashville and beyond. You should check out the newspaper at www.nashvillecontributor.org At any rate...I read the paper and really learned about what is going on right under my nose. It is largely produced by private donantions and features articles written by homeless men and women and formerly homeless men and women. Homeless men and women have the opportunity to try selling the papers at no cost to them. If they like the prospect then they can go back and purchase copies of the paper for a quarter. In turn, they sell the paper for 1.00 making a .75 cent profit. This provides an alternative to pan-handeling. A totally brilliant idea in my opinion. At any rate, the stories in the paper are sobering.

Today, I was home from work. (I have had flu-like symptoms for a few days.) So, I watched an episode of Oprah which I never do. However, she was highlighting the faces of the current recession. She featured grown men and women living in a tent city in Sacramento, CA much like the one we have in Nashville. Many of them simply had their lives destroyed when their industry went under when the economy went south. The do not tell their children that they are homeless. They don't want to burden them. A mother of three was featured, also. She and her husband got trapped in the sub-prime mortgage crisis, lost their jobs, their home and then their apartment. Now the mother walks the streets with her kids and lives between two shelters when there is room. Like most Americans, they were already living paycheck to paycheck and now they are at a crisis.

This evening, I talked to my friend and found out that her friend's husband is headed to Afghanistan Sunday. This will be his third or fourth deployment. They are a young couple and they have two small children at home. They told him to plan on being gone for eight months.

So tonight, my heart is heavy. I pray for those that are going without tonight and for those that are far from their families in harm's way. I also pray that we would have our eyes and our hearts more widely open to the things going on in our own backyards. I pray that we can find ways to extend ourselves to others in difficult economic times. I pray that we can do some small thing to make the lives of others a little bit easier everyday. I pray that we would look at our lives and see how we can serve others. I pray most of all that we know how fortunate we are and that we thank God daily for all the ways he has blessed our individual lives.

Greatest Joy - Deepest Pain

2009-02-17T22:10:00.000-06:00

So I have been thinking about our birthmom alot lately - whoever she may be. That in itself is difficult...thinking of someone you don't know. Anyway... I keep thinking of how terribly intense my desire is to meet the baby that God intends for us. I, by nature, am not a patient person and to wait with no end in sight is more difficult than I can express. It is terribly hard to see newborns, pregnant mom's, shower decorations, greeting cards, etc. It's like being on a diet and being surrounded by your favorite junk food when you have not eaten for a week!!! As the month's pass, the longing grows stronger.

Towards the beginning of the process we were so busy. We had doctor's appointments to go to, letters of recommendations to get, home study questions that took soooooo long to complete, profiles to put together, baby-proofing to do, homework assignments to complete, classes to attend, etc. Now we have entered the desert of waiting.

I actually used to enjoy going shopping for baby and it made me feel like an active participant in the process. I had something to do to occupy the time. I had to plan and provide things for this child. I had a nursery to get together - many tiny things to buy - so much so that now there is nothing left to buy. I have bought 3 bazillion pacifiers, different bottles, clothes, blankets, crib sheets, car seat, stroller, every soft toy you can think of, mobile, books upon books, socks, bibs, onesies, more pacifiers, more clothes, bath towels, wash clothes, diapers in a million sizes, bath wash, diaper ointment, 4 diaper bags, a selection of 3 and 6 month toys, on and on. There is even a miniature Christmas tree in the baby's room waiting on him/her with presents underneath. Now, I go shopping but I am frustrated because I can't find anyhting else that we need until we know what it is - boy or girl.

I am usually a problem solver, a "find a way to get it done" girl, a "speed this along" task master. Now I am simply someone longing for something so badly that it is indescribable. I am trying to be patient when there is little patience to be found. I am wondering if God really thinks I can do this. I look at my life and think, well - it could not have happened to a more patient person - NOT! Everyday on the way to work I wonder if this will be the day we get the call. This thing called adoption is an a strangely awesome gift in so many ways - not for the weak of heart that's for sure. However, at the end of the day I have really been thinking about our birthmom and praying especially for her because in our greatest joy she will experience her deepest pain.

A few things going on with us...

2009-02-09T22:21:00.000-06:00

1. It is confirmed, after two years of dealing with polyps in his sinuses, David is going to have to have surgery. He had a CAT scan today and despite constant medical treatment, 2 years of allergy shots, and countless other things - they have grown and must come out. We are looking at possible dates for surgery. We are NOT looking forward to this!

2. The biggest headache of the last eight months, at mt work, may be coming to a close. Thank goodness - I was really starting to consider what the future might look like job wise. Things were at a rolling boil and it has settled back down to a simmer.

3. I am absolutely loving the weather! Yesterday and today have been in the high 60's to low 70's in middle Tennessee. It is just awesome! We got to open the windows and I loved the fresh air. It felt like it breathed new life into the house!

4. Good news - our pastor and his wife are expecting their first child in June! What a blessing!

5.......good night.

Journaling

2009-02-01T00:42:00.000-06:00

So I have been thinking about journaling for our baby for sometime now. I bought a little spiral notebook thing months ago and put it away. I never knew what to write, where to start, who to address it to - if anyone, etc...but it seemed like a novel idea. Rewind to a few days ago. I found a very neat journal that I really liked so I bought it. I have decided to write it for and to our baby. I have a million thoughts a day about "baby" and I wonder if any creature could ever know how much I love him/her, how much they have been prayed for, planned for, thought about, etc. So I have decided to write a series of letters to "baby" to share my thoughts. I think a long time down the road I will be able to share this and hopefully it will be something very special. I think I am going to use the original journal to write letters to our birthmom - whoever she is. I would also like her to know how long I have loved her child before we ever even knew that our lives would touch. I think that if I was a birthmon it would mean a great deal to me. Waiting is hard but I want the days to be marked somehow - not just a random passing of time. If I was pregnant there would be doctors appointments, ultrasounds, showers, etc. Since that is not the case I thought journaling might help "pass the time" and give me something to focus on. Hopefully, one day, it will be a great treasure for our child to have. I'll let you know how it goes. Speaking of waitig, we hit the 5 month mark February 2, 2009. Hope it's not another five past that.

Malachi 3:3 says: 'He will sit as a refiner and purifier of silver

2009-01-28T21:21:00.000-06:00

This was on the back of our church newsletter last week. It spoke to me and where I am right now so I thought I would share it with you.

This verse puzzled some women in a Bible study and they wondered what the statement meant about the character and nature of God. One of the women offered to find out the process of refining silver and get back to the group at the next Bible study. That week, the woman called a silversmith and made an appointment to watch him work. She didn't mention the reason for her interest beyond her general curiosity.

As she watched the silversmith, he held a piece of silver over the fire and let it heat up. He explained that in refining silver, one needed to hold the silver in the middle of the fire where the flames were hottest as to burn away all the impurities.

The woman thought about God holding us in such a hot spot; then she thought again about the verse that says: 'He sits as a refiner and purifier of silver.' She asked the silversmith if it was true that he had to sit there in front of the fire the whole time. The man answered that yes, he not only had to sit there holding the silver, but he had to keep his eye on the silver the entire time it was in the fire. If the silver was left a moment to long in the flames, it would be destroyed.

The woman was silent for a moment. Then she asked the silversmith, 'How do you know when the silver is fully refined?' He smiled at her and answered, 'Oh, that's easy - when I see my image in it.

If today you are feeling the heat of the fire, remember that God has his on you and will keep watching you until He sees His image in you.

So I have been thinking and a certain situation I am in has definitely got me feeling the heat of the fire, so to speak. The question I have is what does "she" mean when she says that He will keep watching me until He sees His image in me. I was thinking...am I going to continue to feel the burn until I take a certain action? Is God waiting on me to do something, to see something different in me? I am perplexed. I like the God keeping His eye on me part but the seeing His image in me is perplexing?! Any thoughts on this folks? Please feel free to give me your thoughts. Especially you, Gavio (if you are reading)...you are wise beyond your time, after all. I mean that sincerely not sarcastically.

The Shack

2009-01-26T23:11:00.000-06:00

I'm reading a book entitled "The Shack" by WM. Paul Young. Please tell me if you have read it...what you thought...what you liked...what you didn't...etc. I'm interested to see what you guys thought of it. I have been surprised at times, sad at times, found things I liked and afraid that some people make take some parts as biblical truth that aren't necessarily at other times. Can't wait for you guys to sound off.

So you are out there...

2009-01-23T00:15:00.000-06:00

Hello people...and a big shout out to all my new friends that have been reading the blog. You all are funny people. You read for months but never say hi and just when I think nobody is out there listening you leave me the sweetest comments! You guys are awesome! Your just like me..a lurker... I read blogs but never comment! LOL! What a funny thing we have in common.

So, no baby related things happening to tell you about. The only thing going on is at work. it's a terrible mess as usual. The admin needs a total overhaul! It's so true that you should be careful what you pray for because God just might answer. I prayed that I would recieve the promotion I got in July but now, most days, I think supervising is for the birds! I love my staff but the admin is awful!!! Oh well, I am just thankful to have a job in these hard times and I shall hush complaining.

David is in the study mode as he is preparing to take his CPA exam. I am trying to learn to be quiet so he can study. The two hours a night where I sit around alone and try to be quiet is difficult for me. I don't like hanging out by myself much. Maybe I should write my autobiography! Anybody interested in my life story? LOL!probably not although it is soap opera-ish! Could be good!

Bella got a new doggie bed today. I will have to take pictures for you. It actually matches my recliner so we can lounge beside each other and look stylish at the same time! I need to get to bed because I have a long day tomorrow! God bless you all..lurkers included...peace be with you and have a safe weekend!

Feeling Cold

2009-01-08T11:21:00.000-06:00

For those of you that read our blog which I often don't update like I should...well, I felt like writing to you today. Actually I wanted to last night but was feeling to cold to do so. Not literally but emotionally. Yesterday was a wierd day... sort of. I went over to the Bethany office to deliver some paperwork so that we may have our profile put online for birthparents to see. For me that office is a hopeful place. I feel good when I go in there. Everyone is upbeat and friendly and encouraging. The work they do for children and families is awe-inspiring. I feel closer to our baby when I go there. However, lately I have been feeling far from baby and I felt empty leaving there yesterday as I passed the family room where so many placement ceremonies happen - while feeling that my day is so far away. I am attributing this from feeling lonely over the holidays because our baby isn't home. This child, be it concieved yet or not, is real to me and part of my family already and I missed him/her desperately over Christmas as you would any absent family member. So instead of feeling hopeful after leaving the office yesterday I just felt sadly cold and a little empty.

On the way home I was thinking that we should have heard from the grant we applied for by now to help with the adoption. So I ran my errands after work...got home...went to the mail box...and there it was an answer to my prayers - the letter we have waited for from the grant agency. I opened it in the dark cold of the drive way and could barely read the words under the streetlamp. The words that I had imagined were there were not. No grant. A line about the high volume of applicants. A few lines later encouraging us to still be faitful to God's call and then a Bible verse that I don't remember because I was to disappointed at the moment to really pay attention.

Long story short... we are bummed. David handles everything better than me but I am bummed, cold, lonely and apathetic a little. I know others have waited a lot longer but the desires of your heart start way before your "paper approval date". So I wanted to share with you. I share the good, the common and now the disappointing.

I taught a class this morning as I often do for work and on the break I was listening to a girl saying she goes to the doctor tomorrow to hear her baby's heartbeat for the first time. I wanted to run from the room. I was thinking...thanks for letting me experience this one God, I really not feeling sad enough already. So I am sad today and just feeling cold.

I hope all of you are healthy and happy and I thank you for letting me share with you and for those of you who read and remember us.

For the love of dogs...

2009-01-02T01:47:00.000-06:00

Ginger helping me read the comics!

Bella resting behind the pillows on the couch.

Ginger taking a snooze beside her daddy.

My baby...Roxie Foxy!

Especially for Gavin!

2009-01-02T01:40:00.001-06:00

My good buddy Gavin Richardson has this thing for dressing dogs in clothes. If you asked him about it he would deny it but that's only because Coe and Crimson don't have any cool clothes like Roxie Foxy! The following string is for you buddy!

Random Christmas Pictures

2009-01-02T01:15:00.000-06:00

Kenzie rocking her Aeropostle shirt!

Kenzie after opening her Mario Kart game for the Wii. What a face?!

My best buddy Ashley gave me this idea to put up multiple trees. She divides hers into themes. I loved the idea and I have more ornaments that can fit on one tree so we divided them up and did three! I love Christmas and all the lights and trees are awesome! Thanks for the inspiration Ashley!

This is ous our "blue and white" tree

Our beach tree all lit up!

Our beach tree...my favorite tree!

David and Roxie Foxy in front of one of the trees

We are alive!

2009-01-02T01:10:00.001-06:00

No excuse for not posting except that we have been just busy busy since Thanksgiving. I have been off of work since December the 18th and it has been superb!!! I get depressed just thinking about the stress of going back to work but I am so thankful to have a job right now! I know it's tough out there right now for many folks.

I have had a wonderful Christmas full of little joys that made the season special. The empty nursery thing is hard. Way hard! I hope that 2009 finds us bringing our baby home. I am just so beyond ready that I have no words. Tomorrow marks the fourth month of official waiting.

Long time...no posts

2008-11-17T22:36:00.000-06:00

Well...it's been a long time since I have posted. (It's Jen...you know David does not post!) I have thought about my lonely little blog many times but I have not had any inspiration to write. I have been sick off and on for a few weeks. It's seems like alot of people have had this lung funk and I have got it. I feel like things are just the same old same old. I am getting excited about the holidays but I'm sort of in a weird rut.

The closer we get to the holidays the more I am bothered by our empty nursery. Why is it that when you are missing somebody it is worse during the holidays? We went to New Friends Dinner with our agency a few weeks ago and one of the couples that started our class with us were there with their new baby. I'm happy for them but sad for us. Don't get me wrong...we have only been officially waiting for 2.5 months but I am missing baby. We also met new friends (no pun intended) that have been waiting for 13 months! Oh my....I will be worth nothing if our wait is similar. I know God has a plan but I am impatient.

I'm going to wrap it up...I'm ready for bed. I will try not to be a stranger in the future... :)

Gas Buy Down - Showing God's Love in a Practical Way

2008-10-19T15:31:00.000-05:00

I am very perplexed. I am home sick today as you know and I was surfing the net.I was reading a post on my buddy Gavin's web page where his church got an unfavorable review at Google. So it got me thinking...I should check our church. So I did and it was fine. We got props for our organ, our fellowship hall and our beautiful stone church which we refer to as the "rock church."

Then I was thinking about this church that I see sometimes from the road that has a digital marquee. If you live in the Gallatin area you also can't help but see people in T-shirts from this particular church. The church in question - Freedom Church on Harris Lane. So I decide to check them out. They have a very busy web page with lots of rolling graphics and such. The pastor also has a blog that you can link up with. But what caught my eye as I was exploring their page was this "Gas Buy Down" Event. Apparently, they were able to knock .25 cents off gas and they stood on the street with signs that read that they were showing God's love in a practical way by doing so.

WOW! I am just so perplexed over this. I am saying NOTHING bad of this church or it's people but I just don't get it. Knocking .25 cents off the price of gas is showing God's love in a practical way? I just don't know that I agree with that. I was thinking back to Matthew 6:1-4 which reads, "Be careful not to do your 'acts of righteousness' before men, to be seen by them. If you do you will have no reward from your Father in heaven...But when you give to the needy, do not let your left hand know what your right is doing, so that your giving may be in secret. Then your Father, who sees what is done in secret, will reward you."

This brings me to an aspect about my own church newsletter that troubles me. On the back of our weekly newsletter it displays a list of people of who have given monetary gifts in memorial or in honor of someone. It displays the family name and what their gift was in honor of or in memorial to and what they have directed their donation to. Sure it lets everybody know who has done a good deed by further supporting the church in a way other than tithes and offerings but I often wonder if this is in "violation" of the above verses from the book of Matthew. I often wonder how other people feel when they read this who would love to be able to give but can't do it as often as they like. We need a way to showcase God's love given through others in a practical way so as not to highlight only our monetary givings.

I don't know about knocking cents off gas or publishing givings is the right way to show God's love in a practical way. I would love to hear your thoughts. I am still percolating this one...

Revival

2008-10-19T14:52:00.000-05:00

So we had a short revival at church last week and it was wonderful. We had a guest speaker who I know you would love. His name is Andrew C. Thompson and he is a methodist pastor who is currently leading a church in North Carolina while working on his Doctorate at Duke University. He and his wife Emily live in the Raleigh-Durham area. He was just awesome! You might want to check out his writings. He blogs at Gen X Rising for the Methodist Reporter. Check out his column at www.genxrising.com

SICK! SICK, I Tell You!

2008-10-19T14:44:00.000-05:00

Okay... So I am experiencing my usual fall sickness. It's like clockwork that I will be miserable at least twice between October and mid January. I don't know what it is about those few months but I tell you it leaves me feeling yucky everytime. So, today I would love to be at church. David is there right now singing his heart out at a casual benefit concert to help pay for Christmas Cantata. Where am I you ask? Home. I did get in the shower and put on fresh jammies but that's all the energy I could summon. I made it out yesterday to buy some things that needed to go to church today but that wiped me out. You see...I have bad lungs in the sense that every head cold I get ends up there and since I also suffer from asthma it makes a nasty combination. Walking across the house feels like running a marathon. However, my mind is just going non-stop so I have to channel some energy. Since I have not posted in a while I thought I would catch up while I hold down the couch.

Saturday night: Thinking about Moses

2008-09-27T21:39:00.000-05:00

Last Sunday Alex started preaching/teaching a series on Moses and I have been thinking about it for almost a whole week, off and on, mostly non-stop. Granted this isn't the first time I have been introduced to Moses but seeing as where David and I are with our adoption it just struck me different this time. So, he introduced the birth of Moses, the basket that held Moses in the reeds of the Nile, Pharoah's daughter finding Moses, Moses' sister getting Moses mother to nurse and care for him and then eventually the princess taking Moses and raising him. So anyway...you know all that...

But here is where my thoughts are concerning the story of Moses. Yes, Moses was adopted but this was not a mesage about adoption really. However, I took it that way. In Alex's sermon he asked us what we were doing to further the Kingdom of God, were we stepping out in faith in regards to a tough decision - knowing that God would speak a powerful truth to us? Are we willing to be uncomfortable for God as Moses was when he was afraid to go where God commanded? When we feel God nudging us...will we respond to Him or act as if we didn't notice?

Now, I will tell you that I honestly don't hear God speaking to me much. I am not saying that He doesn't but I just don't always recognize His call, I don't think. We love Alex and many of his messages resonate deep within me but I am telling you that it was like God was talking through Alex to give me a hand delivered message. I felt it. There was no mistaking it.

See all this goes back to our whole struggle with openness in relation to race, ethnicity, special needs, etc within our adoption decision. We have already marked all the "boxes" on our service plan and even though we would love any child... I have gone back and forth. I have worried about societal response. How would I handle it? Would I feel like I had to constantly defend my family? Would I be mad about people staring - I know some would?

So back to Alex... am I stepping out in faith? Was Alex's sermon the nudging of my heart? What am I doing to further the Kingdom of God? God's kingdom is a colorful one I know...so why would I have fears? I have fears because currently I am of the earth and I have to see other people's reaction and live in the sharp glare of judgement. At the same time, I am trying really hard not to get in my own way. I think we do that sometime. I think sometimes I don't trust God enough to get out of my own way. It's like, God, I see where you are going with all this but I don't know how this will turn out so I think I'll just go the other way. How hard is to lead a life of faith, to really step out when you can't see where the ground is...sometimes, for me, it is very hard.

So, God, I'll be back in the next to last row tomorrow on the right hand side as usual...you know...just in case you need to get another message to me this week via Alex! :)

Forgot to post - vacation pics

2008-09-20T22:36:00.000-05:00

Gustav begins churning up the waters in the gulf

Midnight on the beach

No... you are suppossed to sit on the beach in that chair...not in the ocean

Me

David

View at Grand Lagoon Shipyard. We were on a Shell Isalnd & Dolphin Cruise. This huge boat takes pipeline out to the oil platforms. If you look under the wheel like structure on the left, you will see four men - this will give you perspective on the size of this ship.

Audobon Island, Grand Lagoon, PCB Florida

This is the "Ashley Gorman." We rode aboard this boat on the dolphin/shell island cruise.

Adoption Fundraiser - Help me advertise, please!

2008-09-18T02:51:00.001-05:00

Hello...

Just wanted to pitch an idea out to you guys. I actually need your help. All of you that know me know that I am crafty and pretty creative so I have decided to use my talents in hopes to earn some money for our adoption expenses.(Seeing as I don't have time for two jobs!)

I have sold things on ebay previously but since what I make is handmade it is more appreciated on Etsy. So with that said - I have opened at Etsy shop to sell my crafty things. There are a few main categories of things and more things will be added this weekend when I have more time to take pictures and post. I have a wide variety of things that will be on there soon. So please give me a shameless advertisement on your blog or forward my link to people that you may know who would be interested in things for their kids, especially girls.

You can check out my site and forward accordingly. I am looking forward to my first sale and I need help getting the word out. We only have a few thousands of dollars to raise so any plug would be greatly appreciated. Go to etsy.com and type in thepolkadottedpalm under username/sellername. (You can also go to www.thepolkadottedpalm.etsy.com)I am going to do a mass email this weekend so you may get this info again this weekend. Who knows...I could be world famous or not sell a thing but I thought I would give it a shot.

Deflated - Selfish Prayer Request

2008-09-18T02:51:00.000-05:00

In a time when there are so many people in the world who REALLY need our prayers I would like to put in a selfish request for your prayers for me. My problems are small compared to those in Iraq, those struggling financially with this economy or those in Texas that were hit by "Ike." However, my spirit, like this silly red balloon, is just deflated.

Many of you know that I made a job transition from peer to coordinator. That has had it's own challenges but there are many troubles to add to the list. There is no potential job loss or anything like that so no worries. It's just a difficult time right now and it is zapping my energy and has deflated my spirit.

David and I have so much to be thankful for and celebrate right now but this work issue is clouding my whole vision. Maybe that's why I am blogging at 3 am when I should be in bed. I am not typically one of those people whose work defines them but as of lately I have become one because I have so much invested. I pray everyday that I will be able to walk in and exercise extreme grace and patience but that is so difficult right now.

Anyway, please say a small prayer for me and help me get some air back into my silly red balloon!

Calling all Moms!

2008-09-07T23:51:00.000-05:00

Okay...I need opinions. Give me the scoop on what you think about the following:

Diapers: What brand? Store brand or generic?
Wipes: What brand?
Formula: Brand name or generic?
Pacifiers: What brand?

I know each of you may have a different answer but I am going for a concensus here. Please give me your opinion. There are so many to choose from and I want to know what you have used, liked, didn't care for, etc. Thanks in advance!

Baby Registry

2008-09-07T23:41:00.001-05:00

What fun we have had this weekend! David and I decided to celebrate our "waiting family" status with shopping trips to register for baby things! This was so much fun! I finally felt official. What I really loved is that when we went to Babies R' Us to register they actually ask if you are adopting. How wonderful! I proudly and boldly bubbled that circle right in! Plus they will give you a store tour, which we did not need, along with handy booklets, phamplets, free samples, etc.

David had an excellent time playing with the scanner. There's no telling what he scanned when I wasn't looking. I guess it's a man thing. However, we registered for really cool things. We have lots of stuff already but there is lots more to get. The best part was that the gentleman helping us pick out a swing was named Riley. That's right folks, Riley. The signifigance you ask....come on now...don't you remember? That's the name we have chosen for a girl...just spelled differently. So is it a sign? I don't know. But it was coincidental to say the least.

Well, I have to get ready to get myself in bed. It's back to work tomorrow after a very long break. It's going to be a long day.

A.M. Ponderings

2008-09-05T09:17:00.000-05:00

I have the day off today. It's my last day of vacation, in fact.(It's Jenn by the way. You know David rarely posts.) I have been thinking many different thoughts about the good news we recieved this week. For those of you who haven't followed...we are officially a waiting family!

I have had thoughts just constantly bouncing around in my head. I have wondered how long before we get a call, the call, any call? I have wondered boy or girl? I continue to look out at the sky and realize that our birthmom is covered by the same heavens even though she may be so far away. I wonder what she looks like. I wonder what her voice sounds like. I mostly wonder where she is in the journey. I wonder if the child God has intended for us has been concieved. I wonder if our birthmom can feel my prayers. Is she strangely warmed and yet she doesn't know why? Where is God in her life - from her perspective?

I was saying to David last night that I feel like I have been looking through a brick wall with holes in it. I could see the other side but I couldn't walk through. After we got our official letter in the mail yesterday it's like the brick wall fell down. Now there is no holding back. I have clarity. I can see the whole picture.

What a reality it is to go from one stack of paperwork to the other, to appointments, to physicals, to background checks, to meetings, to classes, to initial wonderings, from fear, from hurry up and wait to now. Now we have been cleared for take-off so to speak.

So we wait. It could be two days, two weeks, two months...who knows? Well, God does, of course. Too bad He won't share his timeline with me. So we wait anxiously. I am more anxious than David. He is not an anxious person like I tend to be. I find that I am frustrated because I have unidentified emotions about the reality of right now. I am so eager, so anxious and so impatient. I am also just overwhelmed with joy. It's the strangest combination - to be so excited and so overwhelemd and so anxious all at the same time.

I am staring at the keyboard as I type because I am a horrible typist. I keep thinking how much better I would feel if my fingers could magically hit all the right keys and explain how I feel. What a great relief to be able to express myself more completely. Yet, the words don't come. That in itself is frustrating. It is good to blog but not very fufilling when your finger keeps hitting the backspace key because your words don't come out right. I think I'll give it up for now.

What happened to my background?

2008-09-05T09:00:00.000-05:00

So I am frustrated. I have been trying to change my background but no matter which site I use I keep getting a message that reads something like..."it's not parsed and not well formed". I have no idea what that means because I have not had that trouble before. So...until I figure it out it will just be plain old white.

We are officially a waiting family!

2008-09-03T21:48:00.001-05:00

Good news! Good news! David and I just got back from a few days at the beach and we have since learned that our home study has been officially approved. We are now a waiting family! I should say lots more but I'm just speechless and slightly emotional. I will post more tomorrow when I can gather thoughts that suit the occasion. Right now...I'm going to talk with David about our good news and celebrate!

Go Away Gustav!

2008-08-29T15:34:00.000-05:00

You have got to be kidding me!!! David and I are headed off to our long awaited vacation this afternoon and Gustav is brewing in the gulf. We are going to head that direction and see if we can enjoy two good days at the beach since we are faced with the "cone of uncertainty". We have plans to retreat and finish up our vacation somewhere else if necessary. Either way it's vacation but I am just so disappointed. The beach is my favorite. I don't want anyone to be disturbed by a hurricane but especially not me on my vacation! Just pray for safety and safe travels. Hopefully I will have some pictures of something besides stormy weather to post soon!

Beach Bound!

2008-08-26T22:32:00.000-05:00

David and I are leaving for a late summer vacation this Friday to the sugar white sands of the Gulf of Mexico! I am in dire need of a vacation and I just can't wait to put my toes in the sand! I have been reminiscing about vacations past so I thought I would post some pictures of our last venture to the beach! I hope you enjoy them! :)

My sweetie!

Twin Goof-balls!

Ahhh...sunset!

I can't wait to see this again!

David took this picture as I was walking along enjoying the beach!

This was the first day of our last vacation!

What's wrong with early childhood?

2008-08-26T22:04:00.000-05:00

Okay....

I don't usually use my blog as a place to push my opinions or agendas. It's just meant as a place to update you on anything baby related. Since we are currently in a holding pattern with that I find that I am not blogging. So in the hopes that you actually just like to "hear" what I have to say - I will blog on about other random things that cross my mind.

So, most of you who read my blog are early childhood people like me or you are friends/family who know how passionate I am about great lives for great kids! (All kids are great!) You also probably know that my job takes me into many center based programs, family homes, DOE programs, etc. This is leading somewhere I promise.

On the visits I have gone on lately I keep finding this horrible trend. You see...there is a whole host of "teachers" out there who apparently had dreams of controlling a group of children in the name of education in a formal classroom setting. In the preschool environment it comes across like this... total unrealistic behavior expectations, total directive conversations, no social talking, old-school developmentally inappropriate practices, hateful tone and completely illogical consequences as it relates to discipline.

Early childhood has changed, people! We know better to do to our kids what was done to us. We now really know how children learn best and how to engage them. We know more than ever about their tiny yet very impressionable brains. Therefore, as Becky Bailey would say..."we can no longer teach children for a time when we were born for they were born at a different time."

I know some of you are saying...but I turned out okay! Nonsense! Change is good and necessary. As we learn new and better ways to do things we need to do them. If ditto sheets and rote learning didn't scar you for life, well great...but there is a much better way. This can be likened to surgery. If you had to have your appendix out tomorrow would you like to have the procedure done the way it was 50 years ago? Heck no! See...knowledge is power!

So I am trying to say...If you want to have a classroom of small children to be your audience...if you want to "teach" children how you were taught...if you want a classroom with star charts and behavior systems...if you want an arena to exercise your control... then you should find a job outside of early childhood programs!

Some days I wish I was my dog!

2008-08-14T10:43:00.001-05:00

What a hard life my Ginger has - poor thing! NOT!

Nashville Shores

2008-08-14T10:29:00.000-05:00

Hello! Long time no post! I'm home today so I am trying to do lots of catching up so I knew that I must post to let everyone know that we are indeed alive! :) These are some pictures from our day at Nashville Shores with our niece, Mackenzie.

Cheese!

Kenzie is rocking some super big glasses! She's a star!

The rarest of photos - me in a bathing suit!

Wow she is growing up so fast! What a beautiful young lady. She is an awesome little girl!

HAPPY!!! Let's Celebrate!!

2008-07-30T14:02:00.000-05:00

Like Jennifer said, this is a happy time for us and we want to celebrate with you. We have done everything that we can do and now we are just waiting for God to bring our blessing to us. I've heard that several people have been asking about our progress so Jennifer left an update on Monday. I only see one problem...how can we know that you are celebrating with us? ;) So I've included a ditty to let you know how you can tell us.

If your and you know it leave a comment.
If your and you know it leave a comment.
If your and you know it,
then your fingers will surely show it.
If your and you know it leave a comment.

Thanks for all of the love and prayers.
-David

We Passed!!!

2008-07-28T20:42:00.000-05:00

We passed our home and safety visit today!!!

As many of you may know, David and I had our home and safety visit today with our very wonderful social worker, Carolyn, from Bethany Christian Services. It went absolutely perfect and Bella, Roxie and Ginger pretty much behaved. Ginger, our over-eager beaver, was on her best behavior today. She didn't knock Carolyn over with her excited tail wagging so that was a plus! She even refrained from barking excessively which was nice.

So now Carolyn will pull all of our "stuff" together for a final report and it will go for a final check. Our profile should be ready to be shown in a few weeks to a month. So we have entered the infamous waiting period and we could not be anymore excited! Unless of course - Ryleigh or Jacob was actually here.

We thank each and everyone of you for your prayers, your well wishes and your love and support. We have enjoyed sharing this process with you all and we look forward to sharing the rest of our journey with you as God continues to write our story.

"But his delight is in the law of the Lord, and on his law he meditates day and night. He is like a tree planted by streams of water, which yields its fruit in season and whose leaf does not wither. Whatever he does prospers." Psalm 1:2-3

We feel very much like the well watered tree tonight! :)

HOME VISIT!

2008-07-25T12:42:00.001-05:00

Well folks...this is it.....our home visit is scheduled for MONDAY morning!
YYYYYYYYYYYYYYEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

David's Last Interview

2008-07-23T22:27:00.000-05:00

Well...tomorrow is David's final interview with Bethany. After that we should be ready for our home visit! I absolutely cannot wait!!!! David's been baby-proofing some outlets and we still have to do cabinets in some places. The outlet covers are somewhat adult proof, too! We have done some of the plug covers and some modified switch plate types where you put the plug in at an angle and have to physically turn it to make contact with the outlet. I like these as they are more fingernail friendly!

Speaking of David - he is outside at this late hour changing the oil in my car! What a good catch he is!!! I do so love him! :)

Please be praying for us as we make some final tough decisions regarding our level of openness in the adoption. We are trying hard not to get in the way of God's plan for our lives!

Birthmother's Gift

2008-07-20T23:56:00.000-05:00

I have been thinking lately about what sort of gift we might present to our birthmother. What tribute can we devote to her? What is appropriate? What is right? What expresses our thanks and love for her and her decision?

So I have not totally figured out the answer to the question but I have decided about one thing that I will give her. You see...I think about her all the time. I wonder if our child has already been concieved. If so - what are her daily struggles? How is she feeling? Who is part of her life? Who is encouraging her? Discouraging her? Is she eating well? Is she lonely? Do she know God? Does she pray? What is her family like? Is the father involved? How does he feel? Does he even know?

So may questions...I wish there was a crystal ball that I could talk to her through sometimes. So as I have been thinking about her I have decided to start keeping a journal of letters to her. So that one day she will be able to look back and see that she was a part of my life and a part of my prayers before I had ever even caught a glimpse of her face or heard her name aloud.

I hope that if she struggles with her decision not to parent, worries about her birthchild or just thinks of them and there daily doings...well, I want her to read this journal and know that I have loved her and prayed for her when we didn't know each other. I want her to know that everytime I have rocked in Jacob/Ryleigh's room that I have thought about her. I want her to know that with every pacifier I have picked out and every pair of tiny socks I have folded I have thought of her immeasurable gift to my life. I want her to know that her child was loved for so long and wanted for so long. I want her to know that she was prayed for and loved daily long before we ever met. It is my hope that she will treasure my letters to her and I hope they will bring her comfort and reassurance if ever she should worry about her decision.

My "interview" with Carolyn

2008-07-20T23:25:00.001-05:00

As many of you have read or heard, Carolyn is our social worker at Bethany Christian Services. From the first time I laid my eyes on her I liked her. I respected her instantly. Since then I have actually gotten to know this wonderful lady. I have talked with her in large groups, small groups, with David and alone. But my talk with her Wednesday was the best.

She said many things that stood out to me and I am amazed how God used our time together to minister to me. One of the things we discussed was my lack of a relationship with God when I was "growing up." We didn't go to church and we were not a very religious or spiritual family. Carolyn and I talked about "my story." We talked about huge turning points for me, losses I have experienced and the road that has lead me to here. We talked about where God was at those times. In my mind - He was absent - I didn't know Him or have a relationship with Him then.

Then Carolyn said a few things that I won't soon forget. One of the things she said was "God never wastes anything." Profound at this point in my life as I sit back and look at all the things I have lost, things that were horrible, things I should not have to experience, and things I never thought would serve a purpose for my life. At times I remember feeling like God was punishing me. But she's right...every experience has a place in my life and shaped me for today. "God never waste's anything." I like that...so simple but oh so profound for me. Ponder that one - would you?

She also said to me that "God has always been faithful" to me even though I didn't know Him at the time. God was everywhere with me always - shaping me, teaching me...not wasting one moment. I've been thinking about this every since she said it.

Lastly, she said that my story inspired her. To that...I am humbled. I don't think of my life as "my story" but I guess it is just that...a story. I humbly and anxiously await for God as He continues writing the next chapter.

Thanks,Carolyn for ministering to me through our interview. Thanks to Bethany for this whole process...long though it may be.

Adoption Update

2008-07-20T23:01:00.000-05:00

So...for those of you who read regularly...you might have noticed I have been absent in posting lately. Life has been super hectic! Between being overwhelmed at work, Grandmother's illness and the general business of life I haven't had much time to write.

The last few weeks have been strange. I took on my new role at work about two weeks ago and that's been - well, interesting! Let me not venture into the details except to say that last week was not good at all! By the end of the week I felt beat down, fussed at and trampled on.

In the middle of the week I had my final interview with Carolyn at Bethany Christian Services - our adoption agency. So let me set the stage for you - my Wednesday went like this...

1. Woke up late
2. Got to work
3. Got fussed at
4. Felt beat down
5. Felt trampled on
6. Had read that a couple that started this journey with us in February have had their child for a month (Hit me like a ton of bricks)
7. Tried to finish a million things before I left to meet with Carolyn
8. Didn't give myself as much time as I would have liked to in order to get there with time to spare
9. Leaving work feeling frazzled
10. Car dies on me in the middle of 8th Ave.
11. I panic
12. I'm sweating
13. Car starts after several attempts
14. Pull into Bethany with 1.5 minutes to spare
15. Don't have time to process...trying to be in the moment so I can talk with Carolyn
16. Need to go to restroom but don't have time
17. Greet Ms. Judy warmly and with a big smile
18. Collapse into the couch in the family room
19. Greet Carolyn and move to chair across from her
20. We talk
21. I answer lots of questions
22. Here comes the big question... "Tell me what it was like for you when your mom died...."
23. I suddenly feel the whole day on my shoulders
24. I wonder...how do I answer this....
25. I wonder..."do I have to talk about this..."
26. For those of you who don't know my story...well you may not understand - it is just so difficult to talk about
27. We make it through
28. I leave feeling like I'm still trying to back up and start the day again with not so many wrong things happening
29. I have to work late - going to a public hearing - not over til' 9 pm.
30. I get Chinese from my favorite place on the way home - THANKS DAVID!
31. At the end of the day I decide Wednesday is the worst day I have had in a very long time but my fortune cookie said that 3 months from that date something fantastic will happen!
32. I'm interested to see what October 16th has in store for me!

David's last interview is this week then Carolyn comes to our home for our safety check. I'll keep you posted on that.

IT"S OFFICIAL!

2008-07-05T00:13:00.001-05:00

Well folks....I finally signed my contract for my new job yesterday! I interviewed for the Project Coordinator of the Davidson County Child Care Resource & Referral a few weeks ago and I got the job. It's a promotion for me and I think it's a great family move and a career move. We are growing and it's a great time to lead the project! I'm excited and I've got lots of great ideas! :)

Atlanta - Day One - Night Out

2008-07-05T00:02:00.001-05:00

Atlanta Botanical Garden

2008-07-04T23:41:00.001-05:00

Atlanta - New World of Coca Cola

2008-07-04T23:23:00.000-05:00

Our Atlanta Trip - Georgia Aquarium

2008-07-04T22:54:00.000-05:00

David and I went to Atlanta last weekend! We had never been and we had quite a fun time! It was a neat city. We went to the Georgia Aquarium, the New World of Coca-Cola, Olympic Park, Atalanta Botanical Gardens, Zoo Atlanta, Atlantic Station and the Ikea store!!!! We ate and sleep some too! Below are various pictures from our trip! The aquarium was fantastic! You should go!!! Enjoy!

We are heading to Atlanta!!!

2008-06-26T12:22:00.000-05:00

We are heading to Atlanta tomorrow for a much needed break from here! We are excited because we haven't been before and we plan on doing several cool things while we are there. I will post pictures when we come back!

In others news, look for exciting news about Jen to be posted next week sometime. No people...I'm not pregnant! Also, Mom and Dad made it home safe from their trip overseas so that's great news. On the baby front... we have everything but the baby! :) Our last two interviews are this month so keep us in your thoughts and prayers!

I will post some pictures from our trip soon! Hope you all are healthy and happy!

How will I be used?

2008-06-18T21:41:00.001-05:00

Blessed are the available.
Blessed are the conduits, the tunnels, the tools.
Deliriously joyful are the ones who believe that if
God has used sticks and rocks to do His will,
Then He can use us.

* On the front of a card I found a long time ago at Lifeway. I've always liked it and I think about it often as I am pondering God's purpose for my life...as I have been doing lately.

A Must Watch!!!!

2008-06-12T22:00:00.000-05:00

I was reading Alison Bynum's blog as I do everyday and was looking among the pages of those on her blog roll and found this. Please watch the cardboard testimonies video clip at http://www.livingtolove.com/! If you feel compelled...leave your cardboard testimony as a comment on our blog and wintess to other's what Christ has done for you! I hope you love it as much as I do. I would love to do this at our church!!!

Weekend Baby Drills!

2008-06-02T12:13:00.000-05:00

This weekend Mommy and I got lots of new stuff! Let's see....Mommy got a really comfy glider and ottoman and the cutest diaper bag from Babies R' Us. Mommy really likes it because the outside has a plastic covering to protect it from things like dirt, grime, poo, spit-up, etc! Plus it's pink and mommy likes pink. If I'm a boy than it's okay because I am not carrying it...mommy is!

I also got a CD player to listen to music that mommy is going to try to use to lure me to sleep. Mommy thinks it will work because she tried it out. (Mommy sat in the rocker Friday night with the night light on staring into my crib just thinking about me. She was testing out the CD player and the music and she rocked herself right to sleep.) I got a cute polka dot boppy for floor time and some new stuffed toys. Last but not least, I got a car seat & stroller combo.

Since Mommy & Daddy haven't dealt with strollers and car seats in a LONG time they decided to have baby drills. They practiced with one of my teddy bears! They made up scenarios and buckled me, unbuckled me, put me in the stroller with the seat, broke it down, etc! They did a great job and I didn't even get dumped out one time. Now they have to practice putting my seat in the car and Aunt Ashley's going to check it out to make sure I'll be riding safely.

By the way...don't feel sorry for Daddy...he got something too...a brand new shiny computer for his studies!!!!!

Love,

Jacob or Ryleigh (I'm a surprise!)

P.S. Mommy and Daddy have their joint interview with our social worker, Carolyn, this Thursday. Mommy has a job interview Friday, too! Be thinking of her, please!

Memorial Day Weekend 08

2008-05-27T09:04:00.000-05:00

David and I traveled to Memphis this weekend to see his grandmother and visit with family. We had a very busy weekend! There were lots of trips back and forth to the Memphis Jewish Home where grandmother is working on her recovery and lots of eating.
David's sister, Alicia and I discussed how hard it was to come up with things to talk about with Grandmother. It's funny how the dynamics change when you take people out of their "natural" environment. So we pray for Grandmother and continue to wish her well on the road to recovery.

Meet the sweetest lady you'll ever meet...Grandmother Baird!

David's Dad, Lowell and our niece, T.G.

Left to right...Gina, T.G. and Alicia (Sean's wife and David's sister)

The fountain and pond outside the Memphis Jewish Home

David's mom, Sondra and Grandmother blowing out their birthday candles! We celebrated 7 or 8 different things over the weekend! WHEW!

Prayers Needed

2008-05-20T20:34:00.000-05:00

Lots of people close to David and I could use your prayers this week. My sister is battling the effects of pnuemonia and kidney stones at the same time. David's grandmother continues to be in the rehab facility following her recent illness with congestive heart failure. Sharon's dad had surgery today. Our pastor, Alex, needs your prayers for his father who is suffering from chronic leukemia. Not to mention the people of China and in Myanmar. We have many people we need to be in prayer for these days.

Vietnamese Adoption Nightmare

2008-05-15T10:34:00.000-05:00

I was scanning the news today and found this article. After reading it I am just in shock and my heart goes out to the families involved. I can't imagine myself in the same situation. Just can't imagine the emotions that these families are dealing with. Read the article at http://abcnews.go.com/International/story?id=4845523&page=1

Dog Tired! Strawberries! Small Towns!

2008-05-14T21:48:00.000-05:00

This is a picture of my first baby, Bella, for those of you that haven't met her. I got her as a graduation present 8 years ago in August. She is our little butterball and she's quite moody. We don't dare dress her because that would be the ultimate insult to her personality. She is not fru-fru like Roxie.

Anyways....I found this picture of Belle Belle on the computer and I thought....that pretty much looks how I feel tonight. David and I are exhausted!! How is it possible that tomorrow is only Thursday?? It's been a busy week already.

This week is Strawberry Festival in Portland - a great reason to live here - you guys should come up this weekend and enjoy our little small town. Oops...think that's like a double negative. Watch out for us to make news. We are trying to break the record for the largest strawberry shortcake. It's going to be 315 feet long!!!! YUMMY!

Tonight was community choir night and the music was great! I love the small town life even if people do go thru Arby's drive-thru on their lawnmowers! (TRUE STORY!)

MY NEW THING....

2008-05-13T21:33:00.001-05:00

Long sigh.....long day. It is fast approaching ten o'clock and I am unusaully tired. Today has been really busy but I need to stay up a little while to get some laundry done. So to keep me going I am snacking on my latest favorite thing - JELLY BELLY Jelly Beans. Odd because I have never considered myself a jelly been fan. However, we went to Publix and I found the aisle where you can choose your bag of flavors and all the colors called my name. So I got some and I am so loving them. My favorite flavor so far is Berry Blue...just so you know. I would also like to recommend you try Stacy's pita chips if you have not tried those. Texarkana hot is a goof flavor and so is Parmesean & Herb but Cinnamon Sugar ROCKS!!!!

So today we met with Bethany's infertility counselor, Sheryl. She was awesome. I had to say that I wasn't looking forward to the opportunity to talk with her. Talking about being a fertility failure isn't much fun and infertility is ugly. It causes you to think irrationally and creates a ton of stress in the marriage. It's like a constant fight to control "mother nature." But I really enjoyed talking with her and she had alot of helpful information so I am glad that we were required to do that.

A few hours after that we returned to Bethany for our Play Group meeting. I just stand in awe of what God has created in the way of families. The way people have come to be the parents they have dreamed of being, the children all so happy and healthy. It was so neat to just sit back and observe all that God has done. It's always amazing to realize that this is real..it's really happening. It's not just about David and Jennifer anymore. We are just about to grow our family.

So...we are at the end of the process. We have 3 interviews with our case worker and then our home visit. After that we await our homestudy approval and will be eligible to have our profile shown. It is my hope that you will continue to be in prayer with us and we thank all of you for sharing our story! I look so forward to the day when we can all join together to celebrate the homecoming of our baby!

Inching closer...

2008-05-08T00:34:00.000-05:00

We are inching ever closer! Next week we are meeting with Bethany's infertility counselor. Then we are off to our individual interviews and one joint interview. After that they will visit our home and our home study will be written. Then...finally....our profile will be available to be shown to birthmoms. Please join us as we continue to pray for our birthmom and the child that God intends for us. We are just so excited and overwhelmed with the journey that we are on and we can't wait to bring our baby home. We just pray for God's peace and His guidance to be ever present in the life of our birthmom and her journey, as well.

"For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11

Alternators, New Clothes & Cakes

2008-05-04T21:38:00.000-05:00

Well, today we have been busy! This afternoon we took on the task on trying to fix our Altima. A few weeks ago it started dying on us in the middle of driving! Not good! Not safe! So after some consultations with "motor heads" we decided it was the battery and alternator. We took the battery in for testing - YEP - it was bad. It was under warranty so we got a free battery! YEAH for warranties! So we proceeded to take the alternator off so we could take it to be tested. So we struggled and finally got it off to find out - it's perfectly fine! Errrr! Anyway that was that. The car is up and running and I'm so happy. It's my baby - my car!
We then went to the car wash and we cleaned it out. That was good because I had some french fries under the seat that I couldn't reach with my hands! Gross - I know!

I also got some new clothes today and a couple of pieces yesterday. My clothes from last year are not in great shape, plus I have an interview Thursday so I needed something nice to wear for that. Mission accomplished - found something.

Lastly, we went to Publix to pick up a cake for a friends wedding shower. It turned out really pretty so I was glad about that!

David is busily studying for his CPA exam! Keep him in your prayers!

Tuesday Randomness

2008-04-29T14:07:00.000-05:00

Okay, so I know some of you think it is wrong to dress your dog (Gavin) but usually she likes to put on her clothes. Ran across this picture on the computer today and thought I would share. Maybe it would draw a comment out of some of you who Lurk around the blog but never bother to post a comment. I ask you people, why not? How do I know your reading if you never comment?

Anyway, the adoption business is slow on our end. All our requirements have been met. We are just waiting on them to call us and set up interviews. With that said, you will have to just read about our everyday lives until then. I should warn you...we are not that interesting.

I want to go...now!

2008-04-29T14:01:00.000-05:00

So I was sick last week. So-so over the weekend and home sick Monday and Tuesday! Lung Funk! Gross! Bored to tears but feel too yucky to do anything! Trying to improve my page but nothing seems to be going my way today! UGH!

The news business is slow!

2008-04-21T23:02:00.000-05:00

Well friends....what can I tell you? There's not much news to report in our adoption journey. Not outwardly anyway. God's working on our insides all the time but things are generally slow. I figured I should post something or you all might quit reading this - if anybody is still reading!?!?

I can report that we recieved our "completion of training" certificate last week. So we are all official on that. We've attended all of our classes and our meetings but we will still go to all the meetings that we can even though we have met the requirements for those. They are invaluable!!!

We have bought a few more baby things. Everybody keeps saying that there will be nothing left to buy us for a shower! Not true! We will need boy/girl specifics and diapers and wipes and gift cards for formula and something for 3 months and up! So far we are just gender neautral in 0-3 stuff. So all you who say there is nothing left - please don't worry!!! We will leave you things to purchase should you desire to do so.

So...my heart has especailly been heavy with a friend of mine that' s in a bad situation. It's obviously bad. It's red lipstick written on white walls bad! The kind everyone knows is bad without even knowing the details. You know how you just get those feelings and you just know. It's a look in someone's eye across the room and an understanding that - Hey, things are not what they seems here are they? I'm not mentioning names here. So friend, if you are reading this you know who you are and I want you to know that I am praying for you. God knows every need be them spoken or unspoken. So I will keep it between me and you - unspoken - just please remember not to be afraid to ask your friends for help, support, etc. We are here for you and we've got room for you both in our hearts and our homes if need be. Distance is irrelevant!!!

Reflections from my favorite book.....

2008-04-14T22:54:00.000-05:00

So I was writing notes to all the people in my grapevine ministry tonight and I was looking in some books for inspiring thoughts to share. I pulled out the book that has meant the most to me on my spiritual journey. It is Messy Spirituality by Michael Yaconelli. I love, love, love this book!!! This book was partly responsible for my profession of faith and so I thought I would share some highlighted passages with you. This has nothing to do with adoption news because there is none to share right now! We are just waiting for everybody to get in their letters of reference! :) Anyway....hope you enjoy!

"I don't want to be St. John of the Cross or Billy Graham. I just want to be remembered as a person who loved God, who served others more than himself, who was trying to grow in maturity and stability."

"Spirituality is not about being fixed; it is about God's being present in the mess of our unfixedness!"" Amen! I love that! So true!

This next one spoke volumes to me. It told me I was "ready." I didn't have to get it right. I didn't have to figure it all out.... "We talk our way out of the spiritual life by refusing to come to God as we are. Instead, we decide to wait until we are ready to come to God as we aren't. We decide that the way we lived yesterday, last week or last year makes us "damaged goods" and until we start living "right," we're not "God material."

"Churches are not only awe inspiring; they are odd inspiring, attracting an earthly assortment of Jesus' follwers. The stained glass is extraordinary, but it is also covered with ordinary fingerprints. Dirt from the fields is scattered on the glistening marble sanctuary floors. Hanging in the air throughout the cathedral of Christ is the heavenly smell of incense mingled with the piggy fragrance of sweaty, commonplace messy disciples. - ....."Oddness is important because the most dangerous word in Western culture is sameness. Sameness is a virus that infects members of industrialized nations and causes an allergic reaction to anyone who is different. This virus affects the decision-making part of our brains, resulting in an obsession with making the identical choices everyone else is making. Sameness is a disease with disasterous consequences - differences are ignored, uniqueness is not listened to, our gifts are cancelled out. Life, passion and joy are snuffed out." Amen and Amen, people!

"The Lord lives! Praise be to my Rock!" Psalm 18:46

Afternoon Shopping @ Baby Depot

2008-04-11T00:51:00.000-05:00

I would first like to state this disclaimer: If David is not in attendance with me for my baby shopping trips I can not be held responsible for what I come out with!!!!

So I went to a super great class today about Autism. Lots of good info I can use for my trainings. The kicker was that I got out an hour earlier than David can leave work. So I find myself staring literally across the road from my parking space and what should appear - BABY DEPOT sign! Oops! I'm probably in trouble.

So I go in just to look and come out with 2 shopping bags of stuff for baby. Mostly super cute cuddly toys and a few practicals, too! It seems the only thing missing is the baby!!! :)

Where have I been?

2008-04-07T19:02:00.000-05:00

I have not written in about a week so if there are any regulars out there reading this...forgive me. We were just crazy busy last week and I had to work this past weekend and I threw my back out Sunday morning while coughing!!! Don't laugh! It sounds strange but that's really what happened. I am sitting in my favorite chair nursing my back with a heating pad. David sends you all his best. He is outside working on the alternator in my car. We think it's bad and needs to be replaced.

Well, let's see...what kind of baby things can I update you on??? I know! I bought a car seat today! I know - I know! There won't be anything left to buy us for a shower but look...we have to have a car seat day one. As you all know adoption is not predictable. We may get a call one day to come the next day for placement so you just don't know. I don't want to be out scrambling around for the car seat at the last minute. If you haven't ever looked at car seats I will tell you that there are many choices. David and I were perplexed so I called on the Calvary!

My buddy Ashley is certified in car seat stuff. I don't want to make light of her knowledge but I just don't know what her certification is exactly so I can't be detailed in my description. Anyway...we went to lunch and then we went to Babies R' Us and she handled the situation!!! She was grabbing those seats and turning those things around. She was inspecting handles, looking at bases, checking out the harness, etc. She just took charge and she helped me pick out the perfect one. A bonus is that even though the one I bought is not one of those combo things with the stroller in tow you can turn it into one. So that's cool because I couldn't decide what I wanted so now I can decide later!

Our letters went out last week and I know several of them have been returned already so that's a good thing. We found out today that our pastor's was "m.i.a" somewhere so we are doing a resend on that one. Other than that things are moving right along. We are just anxious and excited and nervous and happy and baby crazy all rolled into one right now!

I was thinking yesterday about where our child is right now. Have they been conceived? Are they growing in a mom's tummy right now or is he/she merely a glimmer in our eye and a long way from coming home? I look out the window at the world and wonder where he/she is and how much longer before they come home to us...everyday!!!! Please keep the birth mother, the baby and David and I in your thoughts and your prayers.

I met the sweetest lady today!

2008-04-02T01:45:00.000-05:00

So I decided I had enough of my desk today. I took a little trip to target on my lunch hour just to get out for a little bit. Well...you know where I ended up...the BABY aisle! No big surprise! But I met the nicest lady there today. She and I keep passing each other in the baby department. At one point she just looked at me and said..."I am having too much fun." Come to find out, as we met in the diaper aisle, she is a grandma for the first time. A little grandson who has some kidney problems. Anyway her husband is an OBGYN and she was asking me how old my baby was. She assummed I had one I suppose since I was buying diapers. So I tell her our adoption story and she got tears in her eyes and told me how happy she was for me and how wonderful she thought it was to adopt. She then proceeded to hug me. Before she left me she asked me my name and said that she was going to pray for me. How cool is that???? So Meg...thanks and I'll keep your grandson in prayer, also. Maybe we will meet again in Target after baby comes home...that would be the coolest!

Affording Adoption

2008-03-30T22:11:00.000-05:00

Well...the day has come as we knew it would...We received our fee agreement in the mail this week from Bethany Christian Services. Basically it is our contract with Bethany in regards to what we will pay for our adoption. We knew about how much it would be but when you get that official paper in the mail it's like...whoa....yeah....where is that money going to come from? The good news is we have paid some of it already. The bad news is we have almost 12,000.00 to go!!!

Anyway...we have a few small ideas of how we can raise some money so we will be pursuing those avenues soon enough. We are confident that if God has brought us this far that He will see us through the rest of the way. We would just like to ask that you guys keep us in prayer as we enter into the next step of the homestudy process. Our reference letters went out this week so we should be able to begin the next steps soon! Hope each of you are happy and healthy!

DOG TIRED!

2008-03-28T21:06:00.000-05:00

DOG TIRED!

Well, we have finally made it to Friday! This week was our big finish in the adoption process so far. We turned in the giant paperwork pack! WOW! I often wonder if that packet serves as a weed out for some people. Now I'm not saying that alot of information should not be required from the adoptive couple. It should be! Our agency has a giant moral and ethical obligation in "screening" those that would be good parents but I can seem some people bailing out of the process trying to find an "easier" agency. We never thought about it becasue we lover Bethany so much but I am sure it happens. So yes...the big news we are finished with our part. Now comes the hard part of waiting on the next steps to be completed.

I believe our letters of reference went out this week or at least they told us they would send them out to folks Tuesday or Wednesday. (We dropped off the packet and our profiles on Monday.) So now we wait for our peeps to send their refererence letters back in to Bethany. I am finding this part difficult becasue it is out of my hands - not that it is totally ever in our hands - but there isn't anything I can control in the process. When we were doing our part there were documents to manage, appointments to make, self studies to write and profiles to put together. Now there isn't anything I can do - just wait. Sometimes I think God must be using this experience to teach me a lesson in patience which I'm not very good with. So God - I'm taking notes! :) I'm starting to get it! :)

So now the anticipation builds. There are little things to do like decide on a rocker for the nursery, baby proofing and a little basket of baby laundry to wash and put away. By the way...do you realize how small baby socks are???? It is amazing!!!! Hey.....we bought our first package of diapers this week! Yeah! That was fun! Ithought about taking a picture for the blog but I will save that for the lifebook. Plus the dog at the top of this entry better suits my mood today! Which will lead me into my next paragraph....

I am dog tired. Monday was the big day this week and it seems like there were 500 days in between Monday and today. I have developed a little illness this week which I think it is allergy related. I think it is all those stinky Bradford Pears in full bloom. My nose is stuffy, the throat is sore and the wheezing is nuts which is making my asthma haywire. I have used my inhaler lots this week and that stuff makes you all jittery. Today I presented at a conference. I loved my topic but my group was so rowdy! We were in this big cave of a room and I had a huge crowd which I didn't anticipate. It was unheard of for this conference and people strolled in late and got me out of the groove. People were very disrespectful...talking while I was talking, the people in the back couldn't hear and one lady in the bag was all but snoring. Anyway...because people couldn't hear I had to break out the mean teacher voice because asking politely was ineffective! glad that is over with! I have to work the next two weekend and then it is wedding time for our supervisor at work. She is leaving us and heading to Texas! Whew! Lots going on and I am - as te caption reads- dog tired! Well, David has fixed me a grilled cheese and some soup so I better get going. Hope everybody is well. Grace and peace to each of you! By the way...not taking the time to spell and grammar check - David is calling and my grilled cheese is getting cold!

In HIS Words...It is FINISHED!!! :)

2008-03-25T00:16:00.000-05:00

I have to say that this has been a wild, stressful, self analyzing, wonderful journey! Today Jennifer and I submitted our formal application and our profiles. We were told today that normally the profiles aren't turned in until the home visit but we wanted to be finished with all we had to do. Now we are just waiting for the references letters to be returned and our application's final approval. I'm sitting just anticipating that approval and then knowing we are available for birth mothers to review our profile. Jennifer said it well..."It is FINISHED." There is nothing else that we can to do.

I just wanted to note that something I've heard is so true. Several people have said that if biological parents had to go through the checks and answers the detailed questions that we have had to answer then many babies wouldn't have gone home. I'm thankful for this journey and I look forward to the wait and pray that it won't be a long one. I know that everything will happen in His time.

Reflections on an empty crib

2008-03-24T00:10:00.000-05:00

Today is Easter Sunday. (or it was - it's technically early Monday!) Mom and Dad came up for lunch after their church service and we just visited for a little while. I had turned on the lamp in the nursery earlier as they were going in for a peek. So tonight after they had long been gone I went in to turn the light out. I passed the crib on my way to the lamp but stopped and thought for a moment. I wonder and I hope that this is our last Easter alone.

I pondered if next year, at this time, our child would be sleeping in his/her crib. Will we have a baby girl that was photographed over and over in her first Easter dress? Will we have a little boy in Gap Khaki's and a sweater vest? :) How old will they be? How will our lives be different? Or will we still be waiting at this time next year? Only God knows. I ask that you would be in prayer for us especially now. We turn in all of our paperwork tomorrow to our agency. Then the wait begins... Happy Easter to you all.

Happy Easter!

2008-03-23T23:09:00.000-05:00

In the spirit of resurrection, new life and the beauty of spring I bought this plant this weekend. I thought it was beautiful so I immediately pulled out the little tag thingy that gives you plant care tips. It was very basic so I thought I would look it up on the internet. I wanted to make sure I knew how to keep it blooming. It turns out, despite my best efforts, it will die anyway.

You see it is called a Guzmania Bromeliad. Yeah...I know! Anyway, it is the the same family as pineapples. See the resemblance? If you could feel it you would see that it has very pineapple like qualities. However, back to it's certain death. This particular plant takes approximately one year to bloom. The flowering actually kills it. It diverts all it's energy to the central flower and in doing so it causes the plant to die. The good news is it can be resurrected. As it grows, flowers and slowly dies it develops "pups" 2 -3 to be exact. These can be broken off of the main plant and replanted. They too will live a year, bloom, then die and the cycle continues. Hang on...I'm going somewhere with this. It just occurred to me that there is an Easter story in this.

I 'm thinking that it's growth season, while only a year, is similar to the time that Jesus spent as he began and continued through his ministry. See the thing about this flower is that the leaves actually turn into the flower. As the flower begins to form it forms through existing leaves. They begin to turn a brilliant pink on the tips giving you a glimpse of what it's beauty will be. You see it's color. You see it's promise to turn into something new. Something you believed to be a leaf is actually transforming itself into a beautiful flower - a promise of what it will become. Just as Jesus was merely a man to some in the beginning...well, then they got to see Jesus - the real Jesus - the Savior of the world Jesus. With each kindness showed, with each miracle performed He changed in the eyes of some who at first did not believe in Him. They got to see Him transform the ordinary into the extraordinary. We get to observe as he makes something beautiful of our lives; as He transforms us.

Then the flower is gloriously formed. The entire leaf turns bright pink and hardens as it becomes transformed. It is now a flower. All the while the plant is dying. It's purpose being redirected. I liken this stage to Jesus' last few days. His life was changing as prophecy grew nearer to fulfillment. He was "sold out" by His own disciple and denied three times by another. Our Jesus was being beaten, being clothed in royal purple only to be made a mockery of, a stinging crown of thorns smashed upon His head. He was sent back and forth from Pilate to Herod while they tried to determine his fate, to ultimately judge Him. Our Jesus stood tall and brave as He suffered what we cannot imagine. His energy spent while nailed upon that cross as He died to fulfil a promise. He hung there suffering and in physical pain in the most beautiful act of His life. His energy slowly spent as He was dying on the cross, growing weaker and suffering so that we could live again...so that the promised would indeed be fulfilled.

We can have life eternal through His sacrifice - we can live again as will the Bromeliad on my coffee table. In Jesus' death and even in my little plants death their is hope and life and resurrection. In it's most beautiful work it will die. But without it's slow growth, it's even bloom and then it's death... well it's nothing. It wouldn't exist without this process; just as we could not live again without Jesus' slow growth into ministry, his eventual bloom and His death.

Just as my plant will produce "pups" to carry out it's mission so did Jesus through His disciples. I will think twice when I pass my little plant from now on. Happy Easter to all my fellow "pups."

Shhhh! Ginger's hiding from the Easter bunny!

2008-03-23T23:02:00.000-05:00

Okay...so this has nothing to do with our adoption journey but I just thought it was funny! For some reason, as I was sitting in my chair Saturday, I noticed Ginger sitting across from me on the couch! Usually when she sees me make eye contact with her she immediately runs over - tail wagging - wanting a pet! But she just sat there looking shy and timid. Maybe she was hiding from the Easter bunny!

OUTRAGEOUS! Ouch...this one is going to hurt!

2008-03-22T10:42:00.000-05:00

The "Big Decision" weighs heavily on my mind today...upon further research this morning I find this.....it just totally blew my mind! I mean it just blew me away! This is just a slap in the face to so many families that we have met. We would love to hear your thoughts....

** Background
An Ever-Evolving History
Source: Pineforge Press
In 1972, the National Association of Black Social Workers announced that it was opposed to adoptions that placed Black children into White families. Their position still stands today. Transracial adoptions, they argue, are harmful to Black heritage.

By 1987, 35 states had established policies against cross-racial adoption.

What.....folks this is barely twenty years ago!

In 1994, the Howard M. Metzenbaum Multiethnic Placement Act of 1994 (MEPA) was passed, prohibiting an agency or entity receiving Federal assistance for adoptive or foster care placements from delaying or denying the placement of a child on the basis of the race, color, or national origin.

14 years ago...you have got to be kidding me! We are not talking during the days of segregation and Rosa Parks!

In 1996, Congress further amended MEPA, forbidding all agencies from denying or delaying placement of a child for adoption solely on the basis of race or national origin.

Well....here's a breath of fresh air!

**Cons
The Dissenter's Point of View
Transracially adopted children growing up in White or other race families won't learn about their culture or be able to develop positive, healthy self-images.

That's just so wrong!!! The families we have met have gone to extraordinary lengths to expose their children to their culture. Three of our classes has been about issues or racism and also how to incorporate your future child's customs and heritage in your blended family. I doubt very seriously that their are adoptive parents out their sitting in a secret meeting discussing all the ways they can hide who their children really are from them. We do not live in a color blind society and they will know eventually that they are different from their adoptive parents!!!! No amount of trying in the world is going to keep this from happening!!!

White parents can never truly relate to and therefore, prepare transracially adopted children for the negative experiences they will have in a racially divided world.

Really...is that so???? This statement is a special kind of stupid!!!!

White or other race parents will not be able to adequately care for the unique needs of children who are racially different (e.g. hair and/or skin care).

Totally false! Believe it or not their are websites with this type of information - at the least. Some of the friends we have met through transracial adoption have gone to classes concerning these matters, they have gone to stores that are ethnic in nature, they have simply asked their friends who have adopted transracially, they have consulted their physicians, they have sought help from members of their church family....and the list goes on. All of the children we have met through transracial adoption were absolutely beautiful children! Their hair was beautiful and their skin was healthy!!!! I assure you!!! They even discussed with us how you go about finding out information on hair care and skin care!

You cannot separate the political issues from transracial adoption - if African American children, for example, are not taught to relate to and/or identify with the issues faced by their communities, they will be less likely to support the political agendas of the African-American community.

Oh...so do all African American people vote on "African American issues" - so that is to say that every African American in the world even HAS the SAME issues! I don't believe that the families I have met have considered it important to take the "political pulse" of the world before they grew their families the way God intended! You should most definitely separate politics from building your family! This is just so ignorant to me!

Some families may find that the only reason they would even consider adopting a child from another race is almost completely based on the relative ease and lower cost associated with adoptions involving children of color; This hardly speaks well for the family's motivation and preparation to handle the issues that come along with raising a child of color.

OH NO! Please tell me they didn't go there!!!! I actually know of a caucasian couple that have adopted a beautiful baby girl who happens to be African American. They were recently asked if their daughter was cheaper because she is black??? Being the intelligent and loving people that they are - they didn't knock they lady down but just excused her ignorance and tried to explain the facts at a later point and time. The lady didn't mean to be hurtful but it must have been like a slap in the face. Here somebody was equating their beautiful daughter with a discount ticket price making her easier to afford! By the way...at our agency there are no discounted children solely based on race. There are grants for special needs children to offset the cost of the care and extra things they will need in their lives but I assure you they don't come out of the clearance been in the back of an orphanage somewhere!!! You should check out Brittany's Hope website and open your heart and pray for these children. Some of them not only have debilitating special needs but they are living in terrible conditions because of the number of children orphaned in that area - so that their needs can not be met or the country, as hard as they try, just don't have the finances to pay for more. I would agree that it does not speak well of a family's preparation just to adopt a child because they are more affordable but I also don't believe in my heart that the majority of adoptive parents make such poor decisions either!!!

The children will grow up to resent the parents for "stealing" them away from their home countries, cultures, languages, customs and extended family, and will forever be engaged in a search to identify their true identities, culture, relatives.

There are no words for this one!

To read more of this trash...visit the following website
http://racerelations.about.com/od/parentingrace/i/transracialadop.htm

I'm sure this may just be one of those bad pieces of information that you can get from the internet but it's trash like this that keep children from going "home" to their forever family. And it is just so unfortunate that people who, like ourselves, are considering transracial adoption might find this in their search and automatically be turned off. You see the alternative to transracial adoption is that kids don't ever go home. They never know a family. They don't have a grandpa and grandpa. They don't have family traditions. They don't have all the rich experiences that we have because we do have families. How can a child being adopted transracially be worse than the alternative - no going home to their forever family!

Okay, it's the day before Easter and I don't want to move into tomorrow in the kind of mood I'm in now. I have said my peace for now. I will try to post something a little more positive later. It's about time for lunch...can't wait to get your comments on this one!

We have a BIG decision to make!

2008-03-19T20:48:00.001-05:00

Well the days are winding down for us....classes are finished, paperwork's done for the most part, David is going to finish his self study this weekend. It's gone really fast!!! So one big thing that we do have left is to fill out our "preferences" for our child. This is a tough one. We have really struggled about this and I have prayed about it daily. For any of you wondering - preferences is basically "what are you willing to accept as parents" on issues such as uterine exposure to drugs and alcohol, cigarettes, etc. What about other special needs such as down syndrome, cerebal palsy, etc? What races are you open to if any other than your own?

And the big thing for us is the question of race? I can hear your wheels turning?! Here's the thing....we could choose to accept only healthy caucasian infants or we can just keep it wide open or anything in the middle. So we have considered many things:

If we are willing to adopt outside of our race...

*how will our friends and family feel/recieve us?
*how will our church family recieve us?
*how would we handle the questions, the stares, the looks?
*what issues would our child have to face because their skin may be different from ours?
*at the end of the day, do the stares, the looks and the comments matter?

We went to a transracial playgroup last week and we have met other families at other times that have adopted transracially (i.e. outside their own race)in order to try to educate ourselves. We have asked how people have been responded to, what issues they face, where they learn to take care of the child's hair, at what age do the children realize their different from mom and dad, etc? You name it we have probably asked it or heard it being asked.

So we have lots of schools of thought on this. The big one being... how could we accept one of God's children and yet deny another? God has adopted us all into his family regardless of our ethnicity! Then there is the question of while the first statement may be true - are some couples/families better equipped to handle the adverse reactions we could experience? We certainly don't want to go around being angry or defensive all the time because people have hurt our family. That's no way to live. How about this one...if you believe, as we do, that God has a plan for every life then how do we set limits on how God intends to grow our family?

We have met so many extraordinary families on our short journey so far. They all are very different yet all amazing, genuinely good people with big hearts! Some are of the same race, some two different races, some many different races. So I guess the question is what's right for us? How do we know what to do? When you look at the fact that there are 143 million children around the world that are either orphaned or abandoned don't you think they each deserve to have their forever family? When you look at it in those terms - the huge need for families for children - our preferences seem quite trivial don't they?

So we question, we fret over the prefernces sheet, we don't want to fill it out, we wish we didn't have to consider these heavy things! In the midst of all the excitement we have to deal with some very difficult issues as well. I have been telling David that I wish God would hand us down some directions on a tablet like the Ten Commandments. I have sought his guidance on this issue daily and I am just not getting a sign, a vibe, a feeling...nothing! It's like "Okay God, I need your help...speak to me - PLEASE!"

While we realize that nobody can make the decison for us we would like for you to keep us in prayer if you would. We would love to hear your thoughts as well. If you feel you have any wisdom to impart then that would be wonderful. All of you who read this blog are either family or close friends so we obviously value your thoughts and appreciate your wisdom!

We very much appreciate you all reading along as God continues writing our story. We appreciate your comments and your thoughts. We appreciate your prayers and your well wishes! We are so lucky to have been blessed with each of you!

Well, we are taking the night off....we are not going to do any paperwork tonight! We are going to watch a movie and get to bed early as we have been so tired lately. I hope each of you are healthy and happy! Good night! :)

It is ALMOST finished!

2008-03-18T16:07:00.000-05:00

Well, our last class meets tonight. David has a few more questions to answer on his self study and our paperwork will be complete! I plan on traveling over to the Bethany office on Monday and turning everyhting in to them! We are getting closer everyday! Just wanted to share the exciting news with you!

What's wrong with "Jennifer?"

2008-03-16T02:04:00.000-05:00

So we were grocery shopping today and we wandered down the book/magazine isle. I saw a baby name book and the title struck me as odd...it was entitled Beyond Jennifer, Jason, Madison & Montana. Is Montana that popular of a name? If so I never knew it and I consider myself pretty up on kids names considering I am in child care facilities on a daily basis. Anyway...just thought that was interesting...somewhat offensive considering my name was one mentioned in the title...but interesting all the same!:) Oh well.

The good news is I found a dress for Easter and a lamp for Ryleigh or Jacob's room. Finding a lamp doesn't seem like a big deal but I assure you I had to look many places to find something that matched well. The Easter dress...that was hard! I want to look "springy" but not like an Easter basket exploded-on-me-ish!

Tomorrow we tackle our birth mother letters. Our letters are the only thing lacking in our profiles that we have to submit. We also attend our last class this Tuesday and Tuesday also doubles as our third group session that we have to attend. We really enjoy going to all the groups that we can so we will continue on with that even thought we will have meet our class & group requirements as of Tuesday.

Well....I think that gets us updated for now. It's way late and I should get to bed. I have had odd sleeping hours because of all the Benadryl I have had to take for these weird hives but Cantata is in the morning and we don't want to be late for that so I shall for close for now! Happy Palm Sunday everyone!