Busy! Busy!

Well folks! This Friday will put me right at 36 weeks so we are getting close to "go" time! My pregnancy is going great but I am getting pretty tired! There is nothing in the whole world like having the honor of carrying around a human being inside your body! My Lil' Man is a busy boy...always wriggling around and squirming to get my attention! Okay...probably to get comfortable! From looking at my belly I would imagine things are getting tight in there!

I think we are officially ready! We even have our bags packed! However, I am still undecided on his coming home outfit. I picked two things out but I am not sure about either of them! He has more clothes than his mommy and daddy and we have three showers in the next two weeks and two to follow after he is born! Amazing! I told David last night that I can't believe how many people love our little guy already!

I just keep having this recurring thought that God is soooooooo faithful. It's more so than I ever even believed. It's not like my heart knew it but my head didn't get it. I mean I just didn't know the depth. I think of all the many things He has done to protect me during my pregnancy...the financial things that He worked out for us the last few months...it is incredible!

I like what I call word art and during the last few years I have incorporated lots onf things into my home that have the word "believe" on them. I just thought that if I would keep believing then one day I would be a mommy. Truth be told - I had lost my faith and maybe only halfway believed. David and I were so taxed emotionally from the roller coaster of adoptions and potential placements that we had basically decided we would give it up if it didn't happen by September. We decided we could live with not being parents afterall! Little did we know what was in store!

I absolutely can't wait to me my son and introduce Him to all of you, too! :)

Starting to feel pregnant...31 weeks and counting

Other than my ever expanding waistline and the need to take somebody down for a milkshake...I am starting to have other symptoms! I looked down last night and my ankles were swollen! This morning I was dizzy as bat! Funny...I guess my body said, "Well, since you know you are pregnant, let's start acting like it!"

Baby boy is very active and David and I are getting the biggest kick out of feeling him move around! You can actually see my whole belly move through my shirt! It is the most amazing feeling to feel him move around in there and also very strange! I think he is working on mastering the log roll roll this week!

I keep walking by the refrigerator and seeing his sweet face from my ultrasound picture and I am in disbelief that I have a human growing inside me! I never dreamed in a million years that this would ever happen and it is still sinking in slowly! I will post some picture of my belly and of his little face sometime later this week!

I had a surprise shower yesterday with a group of ladies I work with and it was surreal to open baby gifts! Especially for my own little man growing right inside me! He got lots of great things and I have managed to get my thank you notes written already!

David and I are now on the countdown to getting all of our household things done that need to happen before baby boy gets here. We made a list and are trying to accomplish a little each day! Please keep us in your thoughts and prayers that everything keeps going smoothly!

I am probably going to move to another blog and keep this one behind. The title needs to change although this little man is part of our story on the road to adoption. I am perplexed because I have so many thoughts and feelings wrapped up here that I don't know what to do. Keep this blog or start anew. Still pondering...

Eight words...It is a boy....God is soooooooooo good!!!!!

That's right folks...I never ever thought the day would come that I could tell you that David and I are finally going to have a little one! However, it has! David and I will welcome a baby on June 20, 2010! About 9 more weeks! But guess what? It's not through adoption....I AM PREGNANT! 31 weeks today!!! Now...pick up your jaws and begin the questions! What? When? How come you didn't tell us sooner?

Well the sights and sounds and images of the last week will have to be shared with you as I have time to process it all. I want to share the story with you in a very real way. So for now I will just share a few details.

Because I constantly felt bloated and David said I was moody I took a pregnancy test on a whim. I hadn't had any morning sickness and because of a medical condition; missed cycles are nothing! It's just par for the course. So that was not an indicator! When I took the test on a whim it was so funny becasue David and I had spent the weekend putting hardwood in our bedroom. It was a Saturday night and we took a late night trip to the grocery to get something for dinner. We had the whole "Do you think I am pregnant talk?" In one million years I never ever thought I would be. I have used those sticks more than once with no result. So David went in and bought the stick...no big deal. I came home...opened it and did the business at hand. In 10 seconds the plus popped up and my eyes popped out of my head. I scrambled to read that piece of paper not believing my eyes! I ran into the kitchen and not very gracefully told David I thought I was pregnant. Then I called my sister who is a nurse and said what is the liklihood of false positives?

I made a doctr's appointment on Monday. They said come on Friday. Friday rolls around and the doctor was out sick!! What? No way! So anyway, I had to wait until the following Wednesday which was last wednesday. When she measured me she said you measure 26 weeks! WHAT?? Can't be! That's too far along! When I had my ultrasound that afternoon and they really were able to measure the baby I measured 30 weeks and 3 days! I could have rolled off the table! You want to praise God! Jump off the table! Cry in joy and in panic! So yes folks, we are having a baby!

We are in orbit right now and I have so much more to share with you when there is more time. I want to take my time and tell God's story carefully as it has been laid on my heart! Thank you for all your thoughts, prayers and encouragements over the years! God was faithful when I was not and I can't wait to tell you the story of His glory demonstrated through me! Stay tuned! Wish I could saee your faces! :)

Why did I do it?

Why did I do it? Why did I go online today to our adoption agency website? So I could look at all the waiting family profiles for our area. I mean let's see who all we have waiting!? I was not surprised to find many new couples but then I see what I did't want to see...the word placement over more couples that started the same time we did. It just reaffirms that we are still in the land of nowhere! No news! No calls! No emails! No letters! Just more months and more days of waiitng!! I knew better than to go on the web! I knew it! But I did it anyway. Looks folks... in 9 more days we hit the 19 month mark! That's almost two years of our lives we have spent waiitng for "the call!"

Everyday you wake up and in the back of your mind you think maybe today...then 100 days pass and they only proved to be mere possibilities. It's almost two more years of our lives that we have have been childless. Two more years of waiting for what never comes. Honestly, I don't know how much longer I can stand it. God knows I was never made of patience and this has taken everything I have had to make it through. All the while I see friends have babies, take placements, etc and I remain.

David and I have recently began discussing how we would feel if we never had children and I think we have decided we could be okay with that. Sure we could continue to wait and hope that one day we will get a call but it's the nagging on your heart in all the between times that you can't stand. Perhaps I could feel better knowing that the wait was over and that I didn't wake up everyday and wonder. Maybe just deciding to call it a day with the adoption would be better. The living your life in constant anticipation on pins and needles isn't doing it for me. Afterall, not everybody is meant to be a parent. Maybe we are on one those folks.

Sunny Days

So I am sitting in the study waiting for Dae to rise! Yes folks...it's noon already! Oh well, he has been sick and can't quite shake it so I am letting him rest! However, the sunshine outside is really beckoning me to go out in it! I don't know about the rest of you but I am so ready for warmer weather! I am ready for green leaves, green grass, flowers, hummingbirds and all other sort of great things!

We were thinking of catching a movie today but I am thinking that the park might be nicer! We have been trying to get there for several weeks but there is always something else in the way. I have some remnants of a loaf of bread that the ducks would really enjoy!

The pups are loving the sun also! Roxie laid on the back deck this morning taking it all in as if she were a sun sponge! I am thinking they would probably really appreciate a walk around the block since the weather is so nice! So it seems like I should get off of here and get busy! Happy sunny day everybody!

heavy heart

I write with a heavy heart without really knowing what to write. My friend H was scheduled to bring home her son through domestic adoption today and has discovered that the birthmother has not signed her termination papers as planned yesterday. I don't take sides...H knew it wasn't 100% certain...all of us adopting know how the process works and all the potential regrets. I also fully believe in the rights of birthmoms. I can't fathom what they go through. It is actually unconceivable to me. I have never been able to wrap my mind around that. I just feel the weight of the situation on both sides.

As I continue to wait for the day I receive that call, I still can't envision what the experience will be like for us. We have been waiting 17 months and 8 days for a potential "match." We started the process well over a year before that approal date. It is a journey you can't wrap your mind around if you have not been in the same shoes. It is hard on you as a person, your marriage and your friends and family who hope and pray and love you all the way through!

Prayers for H today, please!

Sickness and Healing

So David has been sick for going on 8 days...actually he has been sick in some capacity for about a month. However, it was getting worse. One thing was this cough that sounded like a lung might be dispensed at any moment! We went to the best doctor in the world today! Seriously, he is great! He prescribed D with over 200.00 dollars in prescriptions so let's hope he gets some much needed releif. Neither one of us has slept much so I hope rest comes soon! I hate it when D gets sick because he really gets sick! Send up a little prayer of healing for him, won't you?! Please! :)

Changing Churches - to do or not to do?

David and I are at a crossroads related to our church. The church that we once loved has changed over the last few months and I don't really know if it's the place for us. I don't really feel anything when I go anymore. I deeply respect our pastor but he seems to be changing and I am not sure it's the change we want to make. We both feel that he has used the pulpit for his own personal agenda multiple times and that deeply bothers both of us.

I want a Bible based church but the approach seems to be to have someone read a scripture and then the actual sermon is a story from present day about someone or some thing that has happened without reference to the Bible again. I really am a beginner Christian and I did not grow up in the church so I have so much to learn. I honestly don't feel like I learn much at church. The numbers have dwindled and there are few people our age. Even the choir has shrunk - sometimes their literally may only be 4 people up there.

You could be absent for weeks and nobody so much as calls to see if you are alive. Now, I don't need to somebody to dote on me and call me everytime I'm not there but the fact that nobody notices for weeks is alarming. Our grapevine leader has not contacted us for a whole year. Our pastor will say he is going to start up this or that and we get excited and it never happens.

We haven't been to church in a while because we frankly have been really disatisfied. We have looked around and tryed to figure out if we should try somewhere else but we hate the thought of church shopping. When do you know whether or not you need to find a new church? That is the question.

Catching up...

I am slowly realizing that I never have anything to say! :) I jump on here and read often but I can't think of anything fascinating to write about. We have NO baby news! As a matter of a fact, our counselor may have moved to the far East and we wouldn't know. It's complete silence on that homefront. The longer it takes the easier it becomes to not think about it so much. Sometimes I think...adoption...are we really in the process? It's because there is absoutely no news. I barely even look in the nursery when I go down the hall and sometimes I have to wonder why we have so much baby stuff because the possibility of a baby seems so distant now. On Feb. 4 we will have been waiting 17 months. That really is a long time.

Our counselor told us one time that the average wait is 18 to 36 months so we basically haven't even hit the average. I can tell you right now...I won't be able to wait 36 months! I don't have it in me. This I am sure of. I think the other thing that makes it so hard is that out of all the friends we have made through Bethany - they have either had placements or are anxiously waiting! :) So that leaves me feeling kind of out there by myself.

David and I have been discussing how long it has taken and we are slowly coming to the realization that at this rate this is likely the only child we will ever have - if he/she ever comes. We aren't old but getting older and the process takes so long. We both have siblings and hate the thought of our child being an only child. I have so many great memories all revolving around my brothers and sisters! :)

Adoption, for most, is a long, hard road and not for the faint of heart. It takes all you have and then you have to ask God to borrow more so you can make it. There are the easy days and the very difficult days. No matter what happens I will always have a healthy respect for anyone that even considers it.

Hope you had a Merry Christmas!

I wish I would have had the opportunity to wish you a Merry Christmas before Christmas but I guess now will have to do! So, "Merry Christmas!" I hope you all had a wonderful Christmas! We had a fun time yesterday with my family. We won't see David's side of the family until New Years but that will be fun, too! We can stretch the holidays out that way! :)

I was looking at the decorations this morning thinking if they will see the attic and another Christmas before we see a baby in our home! Baby surprise has had a Christams tree and presents in his/her room since last Christmas and I vowed not to take it down until baby came but I am seriously considering it. There just doesn't seem to be a reason to leave it up and me keeping a tree up won't make it happen any faster. Actually the tree is just a reminder of how long it's been! So, it's coming down! I can't even remember what the presents are right now so it will be fun to see what I bought last year! :)

Please say a special prayer for my friend, Holly, who's mom is struggling in the hospital over Christmas. Also, please say a prayer for all the children an families, all over the world, who are waiting to be made forever families. The holidays are especially hard because it feels like part of your family is missing.

Lastly, be very thankful for your health, happiness, family and blessings! I have heard about many people having hardships right now and I am feeling so blessed. I hope you all have a wonderful New Year!

Happy Anniversary

Hello friends! I just wanted to tell you that today is our wedding anniversary! We have been married 9 years. We have celebrated in phases because we are going to a wedding when we would normally celebrate. Tonight we are going out for a laid back dinner after work. We are thinking that we should do something really cool next year since it will be 10 years! Just wanted to share...hope you all are well!

Nothing brings out the Christmas spirit like Black Friday!

Oh my goodness! David and I have a tradition of getting up early on Black Friday and hitting the stores! This is typically where I do the bulk of my shopping. But because we have been "under the weather" we got a much later start. I thought this might be better because of all the other nuts out early like us! WRONG! The first store I went into had a 45 minute line. So I got David to stand in line and I shopped. When the load got to heavy I would dump my stuff off with him and make another round. However, there were the most rude and hateful people out yesterday. People just standing in the midle of an isle so you couldn't get by and groaning if you pushed your way through anyway! Nothing like the old Christmas Spirit!

Today is going to be part wrapping palooza and part putting up Christmas trees and then a date with David! Think we are celebrating our anniversary today since my friend Ashley decided to get married next weekend when we would normally celebrate! On December 2, 2009 we will be married 9 years! Can you believe it? 9 years and no babies?! Perhaps year 10 will look differently!

Joy comes in the morning....

Well...after a crazy day yesterday I am glad to wake up today satisfied with our decision and feeling good about it! I was talking to David yesterday on the way home and we were discussing how this adoption process makes us feel heavy. It feels like you are always waiting for something to happen, always carrying something around on your back like a weight. It's hard to describe but I am sure those of you who are reading and waiting know exactly what I mean. Anyway, today I feel joyful and a little bit lighter than yesterday! So for that I am relieved. It's off to the start of a busy Saturday for me! I thank each of you for reading and posting and making me feel like I didn't make a poor decision!

On the adoption front...

We received an email today asking us our permission for our profile to be shown which is weird because our agency doesn't operate that way anymore. It turned out to be an odd situation. The Birthmom is actually part of MTV's show 16 and pregnant. So by agreeing to be shown we would then agree to say yes if we were chosen. By agreeing to do those to things we would have to sign many legal releases and be filmed for television! Wow! Talk about your odd email's. Those don't happen everyday. We had until 3 this afternoon to decide.

So what are you thinking? Crazy, huh? Would you do it?

We decided that we did not want to be shown. To me that is adding to many layers to an already difficult situation. In the past, we have been open to being shown anytime we have gotten a call but there is no way I could live out those moments of my life on television!

I had a pit in my stomach over it even though my gut reaction was "no." I felt like I was passing up an opportunity and I beat myself up. I thought - You could have had a baby! Then I thought, how pathethic, Jennifer? Are you so desperate that you would do something that feels wrong in your heart of hearts...something you know you don't want to do?! I would actually enter into a legal agreement and let the world watch my experince on MTV!? So I feel good about the decision we made.

So if we were chosen, which was never a guarantee, we would have had a baby before Christmas. Can you believe that? What a gift that would have been, huh? So - today was a very bizarre day. I just thought I would share with you guys....

Met up with another Bethany family

David and I went out to dinner Friday night and it was delicious! Upon our return to the car, we ran into a couple that started in the same orientation class with us for our adoption. At first, I only saw the wife. Then around the corner walks her husband with child in tow! Oh boy! This is the time I want to run and hide but that would be rude! In talking to them we found out that they had placement a year ago! Wow! Really? You have had your baby for a year! We have been waiting for 14 months and 6 days today! What would it be like for us to have been parents for a year already?

She goes on to tell us that they didn't even receive placement through the agency. They received placement through Catholic Charities after 3 failed placements with our agency. So now my wheels are turning. I have been trying to think about other options to explore but now I am really thinking about it! However, how do you decide? We have already paid so much money into our current agency and we don't have enough to start all over again. I am starting to feel trapped. Of course I feel impatient and anxious, too. It's just amazing that so many of the familes we started with have their children already and everyday we just sit back and wonder when it might be our turn.

Please, please don't tell me that God has our child and when it is meant to be it will happen! I beg you not to tell me that! It's not that I don't understand that but I get tired of hearing it because to be honest with you it doesn't feel that way in my heart most days. In my head - I get it! It's my heart that doesn't want to hear that. 14 months is 14 months and it's a really long time to wait. I mean think of all the things that have happened in your life the last 14 months! It's a whole year in your life! Some of you have had babies of your own, some have had placements, some have brought your children home, some have remained in waiting.

As it's getting closer to Christmas, I can't help but think of this time last year - feeling sure that this year I would be a mom. We still have a tiny Christmas tree in our nursery that I put up last year with tiny gifts underneath. I swore I would leave it up until baby came home but I have an urge to pick the whole thing up and dispose of it in the garbage because it feels more like a slap in the face.

I was sure that I would get used to waiting and it would be easier in time but that's not true. It's opposite actually. I thought I would be highly skilled at this by now. Unfortunately, I am not. So I wait and wonder. Are we with the right agency? What are all my options? Where will I be six months or a year from now? So many questions!

I am happy for the family that we met. But as always I am sad for me. The wife said to me, "We are going to pray for you. It's going to happen soon for you - I just know it is!" Yes....we have heard that before and I hope you are right.

Problem posting?

I have had a few people tell me that they have been trying to leave comments but can't! Please email me at davandjen@yahoo.com and tell me if this is the case! I can't figure out what is going on with this silly thing! Any suggestions/ideas/hints?

Potluck Coupon Train - All Aboard - Email Me!

Okay...so I am a coupon lover! When I really work at it I can save a ton of money. My friend told me about coupon trains a while back but the train she was on was full. Basically thereare passengers and conductors. The conductors start the train and the passengers keep it moving!

I want to start a coupon train! It would be a potluck train...meaning coupons from the Sunday paper, mailers, pizza coupons, baby coupons - basically any coupons. I'm not interested in a specialized train because I think having a variety would meet the most needs. So I am volunteering to be the conductor! Who will be my passengers? What the heck am I talking about?

It's simple really. I will start an envelope with coupons in it. I will send it to a passenger who signs up to "ride" the train. That passenger takes out a number of coupons they will use...say 10 for example. The catch is that they have to put 10 back in. Then they send it on to the next passenger on the list and this goes on until it get backs to the conductor. Then the process keeps going.

The conductor can set up rules like how many coupons a passenger can take, how soon you need to mail the envelope forward, etc. I am open to suggestions since I have never done this before. I was thinking about 5 -10 people on the train. So if you are interested please email me at davandjen@yahoo.com and put "coupon train" in the subject line. I will keep the invitation open until next friday evening. That will give everyone a week. Please send me your suggestions and I will put everything together and set up a distribution list! I think this could be fun! If you are intersted or have questions let me know!!

Happy Long Weekend!

One Year Mark

I never dreamed that one year after we were approved for domestic adoption we would still be here waiting with empty arms. I have been thinking about what we were doing this time last year. We were actually on vacation. So here we are a year later. No baby. No activity. Nothing. I feel cold and aloof today. I also feel like I have earned some sort of badge. I can now say that we have made it through the one year mark. I don't know if it gets easier or harder but it feels like we have crossed a big bump in the road if nothing else. I can't help but wonder where we will be a year from now...

An Odd Saturday Morning

So I couldn't really sleep in this morning. That's the way it always is on Saturdays but you can bet Monday - Friday I would love to snooze til 9 or 10! Anyway, I get up and stumble around. Ginger, my black lab, was laying at the foot of our bed cutting off the circulation to David's legs and I went I got she followed me. About that time I quickly remeber that she has got to go to the vet for a urinalysis becasue of some medicine she takes. They had mentioned that they may have to extract it if she would go while we were there. I was afraid she wouldn't so I sen d David outside to follow her for her morning potty. Weird, I know. I was just trying to save her from some weird "extraction" process. So I fumble around in the pantry and find a clean but empty recycled sour cream container. That was the vessel of choice. Success! Ginger did what he needed to do and we got what we needed! That's an odd way to start a Saturday, don't you think? Catching doggie dribble in a recycled container?

Then she had a visitor while we were out there. Our yard is fenced in and a little neighbor dog came to see her and she didn't even bark. That's even more weird because she barks at children 15 miles away! :)

The third weird thing about this Saturday morning is that I am eating chips for breakfast. This is actually my buddy Gavin's fault. He probably has no idea that years ago when we worked together he brought in these chips one day that would begin a multi-year addiction to them. They are Lay's Kettle Cooked Mesquite Barbeque Extra Crunchy Potato Chips! I am not a huge chip person but I have loved these since the day I met them. Thanks for introducing me Gavin! :) I think Elizabeth and I ate your whole bag so I should apologize for that. Sorry! ")

So it's early...not even 10 am. What other oddities will follow me through this day?

There's gotta be something else...

(Long sigh.) There has got to be something else I can write about on this blog besides the long, roller coaster ride of waiting for placement - but what?! I need an idea! I am sad about waiting. I am anxious about waiting. I am tired of being sad and anxious about waiting!!!! I want to share my thoughts and have an outlet to express frustration but at the same time I want something else "to say." Is my life that boring? I need some inspiration? Hmmmmmm.......to be continued!