I'm Back!!!

WOW! It has been a long, long time since I have posted! We are still kicking. I have just been in a slump. I have some extremely difficult things happening at work and David has been recovering from his surgery that he had a few weeks ago! We have been CRAZY busy!

I hope that you guys haven't given up reading our blog even though we haven't had much for you to read lately. I really aspire to write so much more but I work all day at work and then I put in a few hours at home so I have no time. David is busy getting ready to sit for the first part of his CPA test. Prayers, please!

Well, we got our second call yesterday about a potential match with a birthmom. Apparently she found our profile on the internet and contacted our local agency. They mailed off our profile today as she is in another town. I'm just keeping it in the back of my mind. I was so excited last time and my heart broke in half when we were not chosen. So...I am keeping a lid on it this time. We will let you know. A call is exciting but then the fear of rejection looms!

A nice gentleman named Blake that was at our playgroup the other night had a great piece of advice he shared. He and his wife have adopted once before and they have been waiting for about 9 months for their second child. He was saying how he was getting anxious and he said he had just prayed that the waiting wouldn't be the first thing on his mind everyday. How simple?! But how true? I am going to start doing the same thing. Somedays it feels like it will never happen...like it's just this thing in the back of your mind. Other days it feels like it's just around the corner. So for all of you that are waiting...my prayers are with you tonight. May God speed the process and keep our minds busy while we suffer through the difficult wait.

When God speaks....I can read it!

So...last week I went to Lifeway and I found a really cool Ancient Faith Bible. It was pretty neat looking and it was hardback. It also had a wrap around magnetic closure and it was only 5 bucks! Sold! It is the perfect size to tote around with me and since it is encased and in hardback I can throw it in my bag without it getting destroyed.

So anyway, I was on my way to work last week and I was trying to find a verse I wanted to investigate further. (Oh, David was driving. Don't worry...I was not reading and driving although I have seen it done.) I thought the said verse was in the book of James. So I starting reading the first chapter - first verse. Now get ready - here is the funny part! The chapter starts out this way:

"Consider it a great joy, my brothers, whenever you experience various trials, knowing that the testing of your faith produces endurance. But endurance must do it's complete work, so that you may be mature and complete, lacking nothing. Now if any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives all generously and without criticizing, and it will be given to him. But let him ask in faith without doubting. For the doubter is like the surging sea, driven and tossed by the wind. That person should not expect to receive anything from the Lord. An indecisive man is unstable in all his ways." James 1: 2-8

Is this a subtle message; I ask God!? We have definitely just gone through a trial last week when our profile was shown and then we were not chosen. It was a bad trial! A tough trial! A not fun thing! A heartbreak! I could go on but I won't.

If the testing of my faith will produce endurance I should be ready for a marathon very soon! Maybe a triathlon even because I can tell you that I am having some serious questions right now! My faith has been challenged for sure. Then I read - endurance must run it's course. Oh boy! How many rejections will we have before endurance has run it's course? Oh, goodness! Seriously? Really? God, are you telling me I'm in for the long haul? You know I am weak in spirit and I am somewhat of a doubter right now. Because my faith is low I am being tossed about in the sea? Yes, I am. I get it! I hear you! Now just help me learn to get through it! Can you help me with some extra patience perhaps? Can you spare some extra grace and give it to me? I have said some not so nice things to you the last few weeks.

Oh but it does not end there my blog reader-people! Let me tell you what came after that in the book of James...

"Blessed is the man who endures trails, because when he passes the test he will receive the crown of life that He has promised to those who love Him. No one undergoing a trial should say, "I am being tempted by God." For God is not tempted by evil and He Himself doesn't tempt anyone. But each person is tempted when he is drawn away and enticed by his own evil desires. Then after desire has conceived, it gives birth to sin, and when sin is fully grown, it gives birth to death." James 1: 12-15

Ha! Then the big one...this next verse is actually stenciled on the wall above our baby's crib... "Every generous act and every perfect gift is from above..." James 1:17

I rest my case people! I needed to hear that and God showed me the way. This is so funny because I was just telling David that I never hear God. I know some people do but I never feel like I do. I try. I listen but I just don't hear it. But God, being who He is, does know that even though my skull may be thick; I can still read very well.

Just had to share that. I think it speaks for itself. By the way...the verse I was looking for was in Samuel! :)

Bradford Pear Trees Stink!

This has nothing to do with our adoption but I thought it was a noteworthy rambling. If you are a blogger that lives in Middle Tennessee like we do, you may have noticed a strange smell in the air. No....not strange - just bad! If you have many Bradford Pear trees near you they very likely are to blame. We have many on the campus where I work and they are in full bloom. When you step out of your car you get a faceful of it. This crazy weather has them in full bloom! Killer on allergies, too! Pretty but stinky! Random, I know.

Nameless Entry

I have been trying to think of a title for this post but I can't decide on one. Some great ones come to mind but I will spare you a ride on my emotion coaster for the moment. To catch you guys up, we got a call the Friday before last from our social worker. They wanted to show our profile. Thrilling!!! We were overjoyed. We told a few people that we thought would really pray for us and I know they did. Well it was a long 11 days. We were excited, cautious, thrilled, overjoyed, prayerful and hopeful. I woke up this past Friday knowing that this wasn't our time. I get feelings like that a lot and 99% of the time they prove true. Well...we got the call today that this wasn't our time, indeed. I think I knew that as of Friday morning but we found out officially today.

I think I have decided that I am going to suck at this. I know, it's an ugly word but it's how I feel. The waiting to be chosen to only to be rejected thing. I sort of feel like this item on a shelf at the store. There are four other similar to me and I am just hoping that somebody will choose me instead of the others beside me. Our agency shows five profiles at a time. So you have an 80% chance of rejection and a 20% chance of being chosen. Nice odds, huh? Well, the 80% rule swung in our favor. No baby for us this time. I know we have only been officially waiting for 6 months but you know, I don't care - it still sucks! It's awful.

I was thinking that some chance was better than no chance. That a nibble was better than an empty hook but I think I have changed my mind. I have not sleep well in 11 days and it's all I can think about every minute of the day. So I am not made for this. This waiting only to be rejected. It's not my thing. I have had some pretty wild thoughts over the last few days in particular. Things I won't go into but I have just been questioning a lot of things I thought I was solidly surer of. Today - not so sure of anything.

I have been trying to pep myself up today - make myself feel better. Trying to focus on God's word. Things like...His timing is perfect, that He has plans to prosper me and not harm me, that all things work for good for those that love Him and are called according to His purpose, knowing that He too was rejected, knowing I should be patient and wait upon the Lord, that when the child He wants for us is ready than it will be...However, blowing those words into the wind is as easy as blowing the top off of a dry dandelion. That's not pretty. It's not showing strong faith in Him. Maybe not what a Christian woman should say. But it's the ugly truth. It's how I feel today and that's what's on my mind. Lucky I have a place to speak my mind I guess.

I feel hard hearted today. I wonder how many times I can do this because the first time was so horrible for me. Maybe this is what I think I am supposed to do but yet I am not strong enough to do so.

Carrying a heavy heart

Tonight I write with a heavy heart. I have had a sobbering day. As I sit in the quietness of my warm house with my toasty blanket across my lap I can't help but think how lucky I am. I have gotten to talk to my friends today and my family. My husband is in the other room studying for a test that will advance his career and our lives. My doggie-daughters are all snug in their beds. I just had a warm bowl of soup. I have a cozy bed to retire to in a few minutes. I worship a loving God. I have money for gas and food tomorrow. There is also food in the pantry. I have a job to go to tomorrow. I have, in essence, so many things to be thankful for yet realizing that so many people don't makes my heart heavy.

I guess this story starts yesterday. My husband brought home a paper that was being sold by a homeless man in Nashville. He told me about the paper a few weeks ago and I told him to buy one so we could check it out. The paper is actually what they refer to as a street newspaper. It is called The Contributer. It's purpose and goal is to highlight the many facets of the homeless population in the city of Nashville and beyond. You should check out the newspaper at www.nashvillecontributor.org At any rate...I read the paper and really learned about what is going on right under my nose. It is largely produced by private donantions and features articles written by homeless men and women and formerly homeless men and women. Homeless men and women have the opportunity to try selling the papers at no cost to them. If they like the prospect then they can go back and purchase copies of the paper for a quarter. In turn, they sell the paper for 1.00 making a .75 cent profit. This provides an alternative to pan-handeling. A totally brilliant idea in my opinion. At any rate, the stories in the paper are sobering.

Today, I was home from work. (I have had flu-like symptoms for a few days.) So, I watched an episode of Oprah which I never do. However, she was highlighting the faces of the current recession. She featured grown men and women living in a tent city in Sacramento, CA much like the one we have in Nashville. Many of them simply had their lives destroyed when their industry went under when the economy went south. The do not tell their children that they are homeless. They don't want to burden them. A mother of three was featured, also. She and her husband got trapped in the sub-prime mortgage crisis, lost their jobs, their home and then their apartment. Now the mother walks the streets with her kids and lives between two shelters when there is room. Like most Americans, they were already living paycheck to paycheck and now they are at a crisis.

This evening, I talked to my friend and found out that her friend's husband is headed to Afghanistan Sunday. This will be his third or fourth deployment. They are a young couple and they have two small children at home. They told him to plan on being gone for eight months.

So tonight, my heart is heavy. I pray for those that are going without tonight and for those that are far from their families in harm's way. I also pray that we would have our eyes and our hearts more widely open to the things going on in our own backyards. I pray that we can find ways to extend ourselves to others in difficult economic times. I pray that we can do some small thing to make the lives of others a little bit easier everyday. I pray that we would look at our lives and see how we can serve others. I pray most of all that we know how fortunate we are and that we thank God daily for all the ways he has blessed our individual lives.

Greatest Joy - Deepest Pain

So I have been thinking about our birthmom alot lately - whoever she may be. That in itself is difficult...thinking of someone you don't know. Anyway... I keep thinking of how terribly intense my desire is to meet the baby that God intends for us. I, by nature, am not a patient person and to wait with no end in sight is more difficult than I can express. It is terribly hard to see newborns, pregnant mom's, shower decorations, greeting cards, etc. It's like being on a diet and being surrounded by your favorite junk food when you have not eaten for a week!!! As the month's pass, the longing grows stronger.

Towards the beginning of the process we were so busy. We had doctor's appointments to go to, letters of recommendations to get, home study questions that took soooooo long to complete, profiles to put together, baby-proofing to do, homework assignments to complete, classes to attend, etc. Now we have entered the desert of waiting.

I actually used to enjoy going shopping for baby and it made me feel like an active participant in the process. I had something to do to occupy the time. I had to plan and provide things for this child. I had a nursery to get together - many tiny things to buy - so much so that now there is nothing left to buy. I have bought 3 bazillion pacifiers, different bottles, clothes, blankets, crib sheets, car seat, stroller, every soft toy you can think of, mobile, books upon books, socks, bibs, onesies, more pacifiers, more clothes, bath towels, wash clothes, diapers in a million sizes, bath wash, diaper ointment, 4 diaper bags, a selection of 3 and 6 month toys, on and on. There is even a miniature Christmas tree in the baby's room waiting on him/her with presents underneath. Now, I go shopping but I am frustrated because I can't find anyhting else that we need until we know what it is - boy or girl.

I am usually a problem solver, a "find a way to get it done" girl, a "speed this along" task master. Now I am simply someone longing for something so badly that it is indescribable. I am trying to be patient when there is little patience to be found. I am wondering if God really thinks I can do this. I look at my life and think, well - it could not have happened to a more patient person - NOT! Everyday on the way to work I wonder if this will be the day we get the call. This thing called adoption is an a strangely awesome gift in so many ways - not for the weak of heart that's for sure. However, at the end of the day I have really been thinking about our birthmom and praying especially for her because in our greatest joy she will experience her deepest pain.

A few things going on with us...

1. It is confirmed, after two years of dealing with polyps in his sinuses, David is going to have to have surgery. He had a CAT scan today and despite constant medical treatment, 2 years of allergy shots, and countless other things - they have grown and must come out. We are looking at possible dates for surgery. We are NOT looking forward to this!

2. The biggest headache of the last eight months, at mt work, may be coming to a close. Thank goodness - I was really starting to consider what the future might look like job wise. Things were at a rolling boil and it has settled back down to a simmer.

3. I am absolutely loving the weather! Yesterday and today have been in the high 60's to low 70's in middle Tennessee. It is just awesome! We got to open the windows and I loved the fresh air. It felt like it breathed new life into the house!

4. Good news - our pastor and his wife are expecting their first child in June! What a blessing!

5.......good night.

Journaling

So I have been thinking about journaling for our baby for sometime now. I bought a little spiral notebook thing months ago and put it away. I never knew what to write, where to start, who to address it to - if anyone, etc...but it seemed like a novel idea. Rewind to a few days ago. I found a very neat journal that I really liked so I bought it. I have decided to write it for and to our baby. I have a million thoughts a day about "baby" and I wonder if any creature could ever know how much I love him/her, how much they have been prayed for, planned for, thought about, etc. So I have decided to write a series of letters to "baby" to share my thoughts. I think a long time down the road I will be able to share this and hopefully it will be something very special. I think I am going to use the original journal to write letters to our birthmom - whoever she is. I would also like her to know how long I have loved her child before we ever even knew that our lives would touch. I think that if I was a birthmon it would mean a great deal to me. Waiting is hard but I want the days to be marked somehow - not just a random passing of time. If I was pregnant there would be doctors appointments, ultrasounds, showers, etc. Since that is not the case I thought journaling might help "pass the time" and give me something to focus on. Hopefully, one day, it will be a great treasure for our child to have. I'll let you know how it goes. Speaking of waitig, we hit the 5 month mark February 2, 2009. Hope it's not another five past that.

Malachi 3:3 says: 'He will sit as a refiner and purifier of silver

This was on the back of our church newsletter last week. It spoke to me and where I am right now so I thought I would share it with you.

This verse puzzled some women in a Bible study and they wondered what the statement meant about the character and nature of God. One of the women offered to find out the process of refining silver and get back to the group at the next Bible study. That week, the woman called a silversmith and made an appointment to watch him work. She didn't mention the reason for her interest beyond her general curiosity.

As she watched the silversmith, he held a piece of silver over the fire and let it heat up. He explained that in refining silver, one needed to hold the silver in the middle of the fire where the flames were hottest as to burn away all the impurities.

The woman thought about God holding us in such a hot spot; then she thought again about the verse that says: 'He sits as a refiner and purifier of silver.' She asked the silversmith if it was true that he had to sit there in front of the fire the whole time. The man answered that yes, he not only had to sit there holding the silver, but he had to keep his eye on the silver the entire time it was in the fire. If the silver was left a moment to long in the flames, it would be destroyed.

The woman was silent for a moment. Then she asked the silversmith, 'How do you know when the silver is fully refined?' He smiled at her and answered, 'Oh, that's easy - when I see my image in it.

If today you are feeling the heat of the fire, remember that God has his on you and will keep watching you until He sees His image in you.

So I have been thinking and a certain situation I am in has definitely got me feeling the heat of the fire, so to speak. The question I have is what does "she" mean when she says that He will keep watching me until He sees His image in me. I was thinking...am I going to continue to feel the burn until I take a certain action? Is God waiting on me to do something, to see something different in me? I am perplexed. I like the God keeping His eye on me part but the seeing His image in me is perplexing?! Any thoughts on this folks? Please feel free to give me your thoughts. Especially you, Gavio (if you are reading)...you are wise beyond your time, after all. I mean that sincerely not sarcastically.

The Shack

I'm reading a book entitled "The Shack" by WM. Paul Young. Please tell me if you have read it...what you thought...what you liked...what you didn't...etc. I'm interested to see what you guys thought of it. I have been surprised at times, sad at times, found things I liked and afraid that some people make take some parts as biblical truth that aren't necessarily at other times. Can't wait for you guys to sound off.