An Odd Saturday Morning

So I couldn't really sleep in this morning. That's the way it always is on Saturdays but you can bet Monday - Friday I would love to snooze til 9 or 10! Anyway, I get up and stumble around. Ginger, my black lab, was laying at the foot of our bed cutting off the circulation to David's legs and I went I got she followed me. About that time I quickly remeber that she has got to go to the vet for a urinalysis becasue of some medicine she takes. They had mentioned that they may have to extract it if she would go while we were there. I was afraid she wouldn't so I sen d David outside to follow her for her morning potty. Weird, I know. I was just trying to save her from some weird "extraction" process. So I fumble around in the pantry and find a clean but empty recycled sour cream container. That was the vessel of choice. Success! Ginger did what he needed to do and we got what we needed! That's an odd way to start a Saturday, don't you think? Catching doggie dribble in a recycled container?

Then she had a visitor while we were out there. Our yard is fenced in and a little neighbor dog came to see her and she didn't even bark. That's even more weird because she barks at children 15 miles away! :)

The third weird thing about this Saturday morning is that I am eating chips for breakfast. This is actually my buddy Gavin's fault. He probably has no idea that years ago when we worked together he brought in these chips one day that would begin a multi-year addiction to them. They are Lay's Kettle Cooked Mesquite Barbeque Extra Crunchy Potato Chips! I am not a huge chip person but I have loved these since the day I met them. Thanks for introducing me Gavin! :) I think Elizabeth and I ate your whole bag so I should apologize for that. Sorry! ")

So it's early...not even 10 am. What other oddities will follow me through this day?

There's gotta be something else...

(Long sigh.) There has got to be something else I can write about on this blog besides the long, roller coaster ride of waiting for placement - but what?! I need an idea! I am sad about waiting. I am anxious about waiting. I am tired of being sad and anxious about waiting!!!! I want to share my thoughts and have an outlet to express frustration but at the same time I want something else "to say." Is my life that boring? I need some inspiration? Hmmmmmm.......to be continued!

Priceless experience

David and I were so fortunate to get to go last night and visit our friends who just had a baby. He was perfect in every way which was a blessing because he arrived several weeks early. The proud parents were beaming and glowing! We are delighted for them and so happy that we got to soak up part of their moment. I could not be more thrilled for them! They are wonderful people and now they are on their way to a beautiful family. They are just genuine, real people and they have received a wonderful treasure from God. Holding their newborn son was such a joy for me and I have to admit a heartbreak.

Sometimes I shy away from showers and births and the like because it is difficult. On the other hand, "they" are your friends and you want to be part of their life and share in their joy. We just love these guys too much not to go and see them but boy, is my heart sick?! But I am SO GLAD I went! Their son is precious! What an indescribable gift?!

David and I have almost hit the one year of waiting mark and each day that passes is twice as hard as the one before. Some days it seems like our call has to come soon. But most days it seems like a small possibility that it will ever happen. I knew the wait would be difficult but for some reason I thought we wouldn't have to wait so long.

Most days I am beyond frustrated. I can't seem to find anything to do to pass the time away and so few people understand this experience that it's hard to find people to relate to. I actually am at the point where I get mad at God many days. I feel ignored no matter how many verses I try to focus on. We are at a cross roads trying to decide to if this is God's plan for us. What a terribly difficult decision....

What to do today?

I was so looking forward to sleeping in on this bright and shiny Saturday but I was up with the sun! Why is it that most days I can't pry my eyes open but on Saturday's I wake right up? It's a mystery to me!

So I caught up with my email, facebook and my blog buddies this morning and I have the whole day in front of me! So what to do? Should I go shopping? Go to a movie? Read one of the three new books I purchased? Be lazy? Make cookies? It's all up in the air! I think I shuld make some lunch first. I am getting hungry!

Almost one year later...

Well, like our adoption buddies, Holly and Donnie, we are fast approaching the "one year of waiting for baby" mark! This has been the most difficult, thought-provoking two years of our marriage - from deciding to go through the process, until now.

As many of you now, I have moved to a new agency with the grant I work with. That means more paperwork for the adoption agency. It is also about time for us to "re-up" our agreement with our agency. (Agreement is probably not the right word...you know what I mean though!) So we have been thinking about it a lot.

This year has been something you could not possibly understand unless you have been through the process. That is one aspect that makes adoption so difficult. So few people in your "circle" understand. When they try to be helpful, they often end up saying things that make you want to claw you eyes out. My very favorite - "As soon as you bring that baby home, you will get pregnant!" Really, you think...well, that would be interesting considering we have been trying for more than 5 years!!! It's not like we tried for 2 months and said..."we give up!"

Anyway, I was trying to think of what the adoption process feels like for those of you who have no experience with it. I will put a few bullets down below:

*Waiting for 365 days (on pins and needles) for the one day that will forever change your life and...it never comes.

*Going on a job interview for the one job you know that you were meant to have...and never hearing from them.

*Like a box of cereal on the shelf just hoping to be picked up...but everybody passes you by for another "flavor."

*Like a puddle....slowly evaporating after a hot day.

*Like playing the lottery everyday...never having the winning number.

*Having your heart so hopeful that it could burst...the next day you feel like it could never be full again!

So, anyway - we are wondering...do we "re-up" for another year? Not because we are quitters but because it is a very painful process that you inflict on yourself. We are putting ourselves through this on purpose and it is painfully hard. Why do we keep doing it? The reality is that there really is no guarantee that we will ever be picked. I mean there is not. It is up to someone else and there are many other families out there to choose from. We can keep torturing ourselves but for how long do you do it? How many days, weeks, months and years do you spend wondering if today will be the day?

So much going on...

Oh my goodness! Could it be that I haven't posted in so long? Absolutely! We have been crazy busy and the times I have thought to post I couldn't figure out just what I wanted to say. We have had the absolute craziest 3 months of our entire married lives! I won't go into details here, so just trust me. However, things are settling back down. One of the things that made it crazy was my work. I have worked on a grant program for 7 years and our grant went out for bid... fast-forward...months later, I have the same job at a totally new place because a new bidder was found! That brought with it a huge physical move and on a ton of stress but I LOVE where I am at now! I prayed to be away from where I was and God, liteally, answered my prayers! I would love to tell you where I am but I am always cautioned about anonimity because of the adoption - so I won't. Anyway, we are alive and very busy!

A big congratulations to Rebekah and Ben at Heart Cries on the birth of their beautiful baby boy! What an indescribale gift?! A shout out to Holly and Donnie - we are approaching the one year mark of waiting also and have more questions than answers! You are in my prayers!

Ahhh...Peace & Quiet

I am sitting in our beautiful downtown library. I got finished with my afternoon appointment early - before it was time to pick up David - but not enough time to make it back into the office. I decided I would hang out at the library and Dae walked over to meet me when it was quitting time! I am staring down the long weekend with plans of rest and relaxation. I took tomorrow off for a much needed breather. I am actually going to hang out with my 10 and 13 year old nieces tomorrow. I need to be reminded how to relax and kick back and who better to remind you of the simple joys of life than kid-dos! Truth be told I will most likely be exhausted and partially broke after our girls day but it Will be so worth it! If we do anything fun I will report back! A big shout out to Holly and Rebekah for praying for me and encouraging me! You guys are the best and always there when nobody else quite "gets it!"

Potential Placement - Flop!

Well, I thought I would update you on our last "situation" as our social worker calls them. Turns out that the birthmother had not told her family that she was 5 months pregnant. They actually found out when our profile was on it's way to Knoxville. They stepped up and she is going to parent. I am trying to stay positive but we have just about hit the 9 month mark of waiting and I am starting to become disenchanted with the process. It doesn't help that I don't agree with the way the agency is going to begin showing profiles. It's like some wild possibility that looms out there - that we might actually have a baby someday - but the truth is, in actuality, there really is no guarantee that we will ever be chosen.

I'm Back!!!

WOW! It has been a long, long time since I have posted! We are still kicking. I have just been in a slump. I have some extremely difficult things happening at work and David has been recovering from his surgery that he had a few weeks ago! We have been CRAZY busy!

I hope that you guys haven't given up reading our blog even though we haven't had much for you to read lately. I really aspire to write so much more but I work all day at work and then I put in a few hours at home so I have no time. David is busy getting ready to sit for the first part of his CPA test. Prayers, please!

Well, we got our second call yesterday about a potential match with a birthmom. Apparently she found our profile on the internet and contacted our local agency. They mailed off our profile today as she is in another town. I'm just keeping it in the back of my mind. I was so excited last time and my heart broke in half when we were not chosen. So...I am keeping a lid on it this time. We will let you know. A call is exciting but then the fear of rejection looms!

A nice gentleman named Blake that was at our playgroup the other night had a great piece of advice he shared. He and his wife have adopted once before and they have been waiting for about 9 months for their second child. He was saying how he was getting anxious and he said he had just prayed that the waiting wouldn't be the first thing on his mind everyday. How simple?! But how true? I am going to start doing the same thing. Somedays it feels like it will never happen...like it's just this thing in the back of your mind. Other days it feels like it's just around the corner. So for all of you that are waiting...my prayers are with you tonight. May God speed the process and keep our minds busy while we suffer through the difficult wait.

When God speaks....I can read it!

So...last week I went to Lifeway and I found a really cool Ancient Faith Bible. It was pretty neat looking and it was hardback. It also had a wrap around magnetic closure and it was only 5 bucks! Sold! It is the perfect size to tote around with me and since it is encased and in hardback I can throw it in my bag without it getting destroyed.

So anyway, I was on my way to work last week and I was trying to find a verse I wanted to investigate further. (Oh, David was driving. Don't worry...I was not reading and driving although I have seen it done.) I thought the said verse was in the book of James. So I starting reading the first chapter - first verse. Now get ready - here is the funny part! The chapter starts out this way:

"Consider it a great joy, my brothers, whenever you experience various trials, knowing that the testing of your faith produces endurance. But endurance must do it's complete work, so that you may be mature and complete, lacking nothing. Now if any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives all generously and without criticizing, and it will be given to him. But let him ask in faith without doubting. For the doubter is like the surging sea, driven and tossed by the wind. That person should not expect to receive anything from the Lord. An indecisive man is unstable in all his ways." James 1: 2-8

Is this a subtle message; I ask God!? We have definitely just gone through a trial last week when our profile was shown and then we were not chosen. It was a bad trial! A tough trial! A not fun thing! A heartbreak! I could go on but I won't.

If the testing of my faith will produce endurance I should be ready for a marathon very soon! Maybe a triathlon even because I can tell you that I am having some serious questions right now! My faith has been challenged for sure. Then I read - endurance must run it's course. Oh boy! How many rejections will we have before endurance has run it's course? Oh, goodness! Seriously? Really? God, are you telling me I'm in for the long haul? You know I am weak in spirit and I am somewhat of a doubter right now. Because my faith is low I am being tossed about in the sea? Yes, I am. I get it! I hear you! Now just help me learn to get through it! Can you help me with some extra patience perhaps? Can you spare some extra grace and give it to me? I have said some not so nice things to you the last few weeks.

Oh but it does not end there my blog reader-people! Let me tell you what came after that in the book of James...

"Blessed is the man who endures trails, because when he passes the test he will receive the crown of life that He has promised to those who love Him. No one undergoing a trial should say, "I am being tempted by God." For God is not tempted by evil and He Himself doesn't tempt anyone. But each person is tempted when he is drawn away and enticed by his own evil desires. Then after desire has conceived, it gives birth to sin, and when sin is fully grown, it gives birth to death." James 1: 12-15

Ha! Then the big one...this next verse is actually stenciled on the wall above our baby's crib... "Every generous act and every perfect gift is from above..." James 1:17

I rest my case people! I needed to hear that and God showed me the way. This is so funny because I was just telling David that I never hear God. I know some people do but I never feel like I do. I try. I listen but I just don't hear it. But God, being who He is, does know that even though my skull may be thick; I can still read very well.

Just had to share that. I think it speaks for itself. By the way...the verse I was looking for was in Samuel! :)