Why did I do it?

Why did I do it? Why did I go online today to our adoption agency website? So I could look at all the waiting family profiles for our area. I mean let's see who all we have waiting!? I was not surprised to find many new couples but then I see what I did't want to see...the word placement over more couples that started the same time we did. It just reaffirms that we are still in the land of nowhere! No news! No calls! No emails! No letters! Just more months and more days of waiitng!! I knew better than to go on the web! I knew it! But I did it anyway. Looks folks... in 9 more days we hit the 19 month mark! That's almost two years of our lives we have spent waiitng for "the call!"

Everyday you wake up and in the back of your mind you think maybe today...then 100 days pass and they only proved to be mere possibilities. It's almost two more years of our lives that we have have been childless. Two more years of waiting for what never comes. Honestly, I don't know how much longer I can stand it. God knows I was never made of patience and this has taken everything I have had to make it through. All the while I see friends have babies, take placements, etc and I remain.

David and I have recently began discussing how we would feel if we never had children and I think we have decided we could be okay with that. Sure we could continue to wait and hope that one day we will get a call but it's the nagging on your heart in all the between times that you can't stand. Perhaps I could feel better knowing that the wait was over and that I didn't wake up everyday and wonder. Maybe just deciding to call it a day with the adoption would be better. The living your life in constant anticipation on pins and needles isn't doing it for me. Afterall, not everybody is meant to be a parent. Maybe we are on one those folks.