Wednesday, February 25, 2009

Carrying a heavy heart

Tonight I write with a heavy heart. I have had a sobbering day. As I sit in the quietness of my warm house with my toasty blanket across my lap I can't help but think how lucky I am. I have gotten to talk to my friends today and my family. My husband is in the other room studying for a test that will advance his career and our lives. My doggie-daughters are all snug in their beds. I just had a warm bowl of soup. I have a cozy bed to retire to in a few minutes. I worship a loving God. I have money for gas and food tomorrow. There is also food in the pantry. I have a job to go to tomorrow. I have, in essence, so many things to be thankful for yet realizing that so many people don't makes my heart heavy.

I guess this story starts yesterday. My husband brought home a paper that was being sold by a homeless man in Nashville. He told me about the paper a few weeks ago and I told him to buy one so we could check it out. The paper is actually what they refer to as a street newspaper. It is called The Contributer. It's purpose and goal is to highlight the many facets of the homeless population in the city of Nashville and beyond. You should check out the newspaper at At any rate...I read the paper and really learned about what is going on right under my nose. It is largely produced by private donantions and features articles written by homeless men and women and formerly homeless men and women. Homeless men and women have the opportunity to try selling the papers at no cost to them. If they like the prospect then they can go back and purchase copies of the paper for a quarter. In turn, they sell the paper for 1.00 making a .75 cent profit. This provides an alternative to pan-handeling. A totally brilliant idea in my opinion. At any rate, the stories in the paper are sobering.

Today, I was home from work. (I have had flu-like symptoms for a few days.) So, I watched an episode of Oprah which I never do. However, she was highlighting the faces of the current recession. She featured grown men and women living in a tent city in Sacramento, CA much like the one we have in Nashville. Many of them simply had their lives destroyed when their industry went under when the economy went south. The do not tell their children that they are homeless. They don't want to burden them. A mother of three was featured, also. She and her husband got trapped in the sub-prime mortgage crisis, lost their jobs, their home and then their apartment. Now the mother walks the streets with her kids and lives between two shelters when there is room. Like most Americans, they were already living paycheck to paycheck and now they are at a crisis.

This evening, I talked to my friend and found out that her friend's husband is headed to Afghanistan Sunday. This will be his third or fourth deployment. They are a young couple and they have two small children at home. They told him to plan on being gone for eight months.

So tonight, my heart is heavy. I pray for those that are going without tonight and for those that are far from their families in harm's way. I also pray that we would have our eyes and our hearts more widely open to the things going on in our own backyards. I pray that we can find ways to extend ourselves to others in difficult economic times. I pray that we can do some small thing to make the lives of others a little bit easier everyday. I pray that we would look at our lives and see how we can serve others. I pray most of all that we know how fortunate we are and that we thank God daily for all the ways he has blessed our individual lives.

Tuesday, February 17, 2009

Greatest Joy - Deepest Pain

So I have been thinking about our birthmom alot lately - whoever she may be. That in itself is difficult...thinking of someone you don't know. Anyway... I keep thinking of how terribly intense my desire is to meet the baby that God intends for us. I, by nature, am not a patient person and to wait with no end in sight is more difficult than I can express. It is terribly hard to see newborns, pregnant mom's, shower decorations, greeting cards, etc. It's like being on a diet and being surrounded by your favorite junk food when you have not eaten for a week!!! As the month's pass, the longing grows stronger.

Towards the beginning of the process we were so busy. We had doctor's appointments to go to, letters of recommendations to get, home study questions that took soooooo long to complete, profiles to put together, baby-proofing to do, homework assignments to complete, classes to attend, etc. Now we have entered the desert of waiting.

I actually used to enjoy going shopping for baby and it made me feel like an active participant in the process. I had something to do to occupy the time. I had to plan and provide things for this child. I had a nursery to get together - many tiny things to buy - so much so that now there is nothing left to buy. I have bought 3 bazillion pacifiers, different bottles, clothes, blankets, crib sheets, car seat, stroller, every soft toy you can think of, mobile, books upon books, socks, bibs, onesies, more pacifiers, more clothes, bath towels, wash clothes, diapers in a million sizes, bath wash, diaper ointment, 4 diaper bags, a selection of 3 and 6 month toys, on and on. There is even a miniature Christmas tree in the baby's room waiting on him/her with presents underneath. Now, I go shopping but I am frustrated because I can't find anyhting else that we need until we know what it is - boy or girl.

I am usually a problem solver, a "find a way to get it done" girl, a "speed this along" task master. Now I am simply someone longing for something so badly that it is indescribable. I am trying to be patient when there is little patience to be found. I am wondering if God really thinks I can do this. I look at my life and think, well - it could not have happened to a more patient person - NOT! Everyday on the way to work I wonder if this will be the day we get the call. This thing called adoption is an a strangely awesome gift in so many ways - not for the weak of heart that's for sure. However, at the end of the day I have really been thinking about our birthmom and praying especially for her because in our greatest joy she will experience her deepest pain.

Monday, February 9, 2009

A few things going on with us...

1. It is confirmed, after two years of dealing with polyps in his sinuses, David is going to have to have surgery. He had a CAT scan today and despite constant medical treatment, 2 years of allergy shots, and countless other things - they have grown and must come out. We are looking at possible dates for surgery. We are NOT looking forward to this!

2. The biggest headache of the last eight months, at mt work, may be coming to a close. Thank goodness - I was really starting to consider what the future might look like job wise. Things were at a rolling boil and it has settled back down to a simmer.

3. I am absolutely loving the weather! Yesterday and today have been in the high 60's to low 70's in middle Tennessee. It is just awesome! We got to open the windows and I loved the fresh air. It felt like it breathed new life into the house!

4. Good news - our pastor and his wife are expecting their first child in June! What a blessing!

5.......good night.

Sunday, February 1, 2009


So I have been thinking about journaling for our baby for sometime now. I bought a little spiral notebook thing months ago and put it away. I never knew what to write, where to start, who to address it to - if anyone, etc...but it seemed like a novel idea. Rewind to a few days ago. I found a very neat journal that I really liked so I bought it. I have decided to write it for and to our baby. I have a million thoughts a day about "baby" and I wonder if any creature could ever know how much I love him/her, how much they have been prayed for, planned for, thought about, etc. So I have decided to write a series of letters to "baby" to share my thoughts. I think a long time down the road I will be able to share this and hopefully it will be something very special. I think I am going to use the original journal to write letters to our birthmom - whoever she is. I would also like her to know how long I have loved her child before we ever even knew that our lives would touch. I think that if I was a birthmon it would mean a great deal to me. Waiting is hard but I want the days to be marked somehow - not just a random passing of time. If I was pregnant there would be doctors appointments, ultrasounds, showers, etc. Since that is not the case I thought journaling might help "pass the time" and give me something to focus on. Hopefully, one day, it will be a great treasure for our child to have. I'll let you know how it goes. Speaking of waitig, we hit the 5 month mark February 2, 2009. Hope it's not another five past that.