Tuesday, February 17, 2009

Greatest Joy - Deepest Pain

So I have been thinking about our birthmom alot lately - whoever she may be. That in itself is difficult...thinking of someone you don't know. Anyway... I keep thinking of how terribly intense my desire is to meet the baby that God intends for us. I, by nature, am not a patient person and to wait with no end in sight is more difficult than I can express. It is terribly hard to see newborns, pregnant mom's, shower decorations, greeting cards, etc. It's like being on a diet and being surrounded by your favorite junk food when you have not eaten for a week!!! As the month's pass, the longing grows stronger.

Towards the beginning of the process we were so busy. We had doctor's appointments to go to, letters of recommendations to get, home study questions that took soooooo long to complete, profiles to put together, baby-proofing to do, homework assignments to complete, classes to attend, etc. Now we have entered the desert of waiting.

I actually used to enjoy going shopping for baby and it made me feel like an active participant in the process. I had something to do to occupy the time. I had to plan and provide things for this child. I had a nursery to get together - many tiny things to buy - so much so that now there is nothing left to buy. I have bought 3 bazillion pacifiers, different bottles, clothes, blankets, crib sheets, car seat, stroller, every soft toy you can think of, mobile, books upon books, socks, bibs, onesies, more pacifiers, more clothes, bath towels, wash clothes, diapers in a million sizes, bath wash, diaper ointment, 4 diaper bags, a selection of 3 and 6 month toys, on and on. There is even a miniature Christmas tree in the baby's room waiting on him/her with presents underneath. Now, I go shopping but I am frustrated because I can't find anyhting else that we need until we know what it is - boy or girl.

I am usually a problem solver, a "find a way to get it done" girl, a "speed this along" task master. Now I am simply someone longing for something so badly that it is indescribable. I am trying to be patient when there is little patience to be found. I am wondering if God really thinks I can do this. I look at my life and think, well - it could not have happened to a more patient person - NOT! Everyday on the way to work I wonder if this will be the day we get the call. This thing called adoption is an a strangely awesome gift in so many ways - not for the weak of heart that's for sure. However, at the end of the day I have really been thinking about our birthmom and praying especially for her because in our greatest joy she will experience her deepest pain.

2 comments:

Un~Rulie said...

Jennifer, even though there will be pain, there will be great comfort in knowing such a special loving couple is going to raise her child.

As I posted before, I do not know you two other than through your blog, but I truly feel like God does want this for you. In reading your blog and those of others linked through your page, I wondered how there can be people out there having child after child, for whatever reason, and all you and Dave want is that one precious baby to love and give a good stable home to. There has to be a answer. I don't know it, but I do know that the longer you wait, the more precious that child will be. :-D

David & Jennifer said...

Un-Rulie,

You are very kind! Thank you for your sentiments. I appreciate the fact that you are reading our blog and saying such genuinely nice things. I don't have the answers either but I trust that God does and it keeps me going! We hope that you will continue to write us! :) Thanks again!