Wednesday, May 19, 2010

Busy! Busy!

Well folks! This Friday will put me right at 36 weeks so we are getting close to "go" time! My pregnancy is going great but I am getting pretty tired! There is nothing in the whole world like having the honor of carrying around a human being inside your body! My Lil' Man is a busy boy...always wriggling around and squirming to get my attention! Okay...probably to get comfortable! From looking at my belly I would imagine things are getting tight in there!

I think we are officially ready! We even have our bags packed! However, I am still undecided on his coming home outfit. I picked two things out but I am not sure about either of them! He has more clothes than his mommy and daddy and we have three showers in the next two weeks and two to follow after he is born! Amazing! I told David last night that I can't believe how many people love our little guy already!

I just keep having this recurring thought that God is soooooooo faithful. It's more so than I ever even believed. It's not like my heart knew it but my head didn't get it. I mean I just didn't know the depth. I think of all the many things He has done to protect me during my pregnancy...the financial things that He worked out for us the last few is incredible!

I like what I call word art and during the last few years I have incorporated lots onf things into my home that have the word "believe" on them. I just thought that if I would keep believing then one day I would be a mommy. Truth be told - I had lost my faith and maybe only halfway believed. David and I were so taxed emotionally from the roller coaster of adoptions and potential placements that we had basically decided we would give it up if it didn't happen by September. We decided we could live with not being parents afterall! Little did we know what was in store!

I absolutely can't wait to me my son and introduce Him to all of you, too! :)

Thursday, April 22, 2010

Starting to feel pregnant...31 weeks and counting

Other than my ever expanding waistline and the need to take somebody down for a milkshake...I am starting to have other symptoms! I looked down last night and my ankles were swollen! This morning I was dizzy as bat! Funny...I guess my body said, "Well, since you know you are pregnant, let's start acting like it!"

Baby boy is very active and David and I are getting the biggest kick out of feeling him move around! You can actually see my whole belly move through my shirt! It is the most amazing feeling to feel him move around in there and also very strange! I think he is working on mastering the log roll roll this week!

I keep walking by the refrigerator and seeing his sweet face from my ultrasound picture and I am in disbelief that I have a human growing inside me! I never dreamed in a million years that this would ever happen and it is still sinking in slowly! I will post some picture of my belly and of his little face sometime later this week!

I had a surprise shower yesterday with a group of ladies I work with and it was surreal to open baby gifts! Especially for my own little man growing right inside me! He got lots of great things and I have managed to get my thank you notes written already!

David and I are now on the countdown to getting all of our household things done that need to happen before baby boy gets here. We made a list and are trying to accomplish a little each day! Please keep us in your thoughts and prayers that everything keeps going smoothly!

I am probably going to move to another blog and keep this one behind. The title needs to change although this little man is part of our story on the road to adoption. I am perplexed because I have so many thoughts and feelings wrapped up here that I don't know what to do. Keep this blog or start anew. Still pondering...

Sunday, April 18, 2010

Eight words...It is a boy....God is soooooooooo good!!!!!

That's right folks...I never ever thought the day would come that I could tell you that David and I are finally going to have a little one! However, it has! David and I will welcome a baby on June 20, 2010! About 9 more weeks! But guess what? It's not through adoption....I AM PREGNANT! 31 weeks today!!! Now...pick up your jaws and begin the questions! What? When? How come you didn't tell us sooner?

Well the sights and sounds and images of the last week will have to be shared with you as I have time to process it all. I want to share the story with you in a very real way. So for now I will just share a few details.

Because I constantly felt bloated and David said I was moody I took a pregnancy test on a whim. I hadn't had any morning sickness and because of a medical condition; missed cycles are nothing! It's just par for the course. So that was not an indicator! When I took the test on a whim it was so funny becasue David and I had spent the weekend putting hardwood in our bedroom. It was a Saturday night and we took a late night trip to the grocery to get something for dinner. We had the whole "Do you think I am pregnant talk?" In one million years I never ever thought I would be. I have used those sticks more than once with no result. So David went in and bought the big deal. I came home...opened it and did the business at hand. In 10 seconds the plus popped up and my eyes popped out of my head. I scrambled to read that piece of paper not believing my eyes! I ran into the kitchen and not very gracefully told David I thought I was pregnant. Then I called my sister who is a nurse and said what is the liklihood of false positives?

I made a doctr's appointment on Monday. They said come on Friday. Friday rolls around and the doctor was out sick!! What? No way! So anyway, I had to wait until the following Wednesday which was last wednesday. When she measured me she said you measure 26 weeks! WHAT?? Can't be! That's too far along! When I had my ultrasound that afternoon and they really were able to measure the baby I measured 30 weeks and 3 days! I could have rolled off the table! You want to praise God! Jump off the table! Cry in joy and in panic! So yes folks, we are having a baby!

We are in orbit right now and I have so much more to share with you when there is more time. I want to take my time and tell God's story carefully as it has been laid on my heart! Thank you for all your thoughts, prayers and encouragements over the years! God was faithful when I was not and I can't wait to tell you the story of His glory demonstrated through me! Stay tuned! Wish I could saee your faces! :)

Wednesday, March 24, 2010

Why did I do it?

Why did I do it? Why did I go online today to our adoption agency website? So I could look at all the waiting family profiles for our area. I mean let's see who all we have waiting!? I was not surprised to find many new couples but then I see what I did't want to see...the word placement over more couples that started the same time we did. It just reaffirms that we are still in the land of nowhere! No news! No calls! No emails! No letters! Just more months and more days of waiitng!! I knew better than to go on the web! I knew it! But I did it anyway. Looks folks... in 9 more days we hit the 19 month mark! That's almost two years of our lives we have spent waiitng for "the call!"

Everyday you wake up and in the back of your mind you think maybe today...then 100 days pass and they only proved to be mere possibilities. It's almost two more years of our lives that we have have been childless. Two more years of waiting for what never comes. Honestly, I don't know how much longer I can stand it. God knows I was never made of patience and this has taken everything I have had to make it through. All the while I see friends have babies, take placements, etc and I remain.

David and I have recently began discussing how we would feel if we never had children and I think we have decided we could be okay with that. Sure we could continue to wait and hope that one day we will get a call but it's the nagging on your heart in all the between times that you can't stand. Perhaps I could feel better knowing that the wait was over and that I didn't wake up everyday and wonder. Maybe just deciding to call it a day with the adoption would be better. The living your life in constant anticipation on pins and needles isn't doing it for me. Afterall, not everybody is meant to be a parent. Maybe we are on one those folks.

Saturday, February 27, 2010

Sunny Days

So I am sitting in the study waiting for Dae to rise! Yes's noon already! Oh well, he has been sick and can't quite shake it so I am letting him rest! However, the sunshine outside is really beckoning me to go out in it! I don't know about the rest of you but I am so ready for warmer weather! I am ready for green leaves, green grass, flowers, hummingbirds and all other sort of great things!

We were thinking of catching a movie today but I am thinking that the park might be nicer! We have been trying to get there for several weeks but there is always something else in the way. I have some remnants of a loaf of bread that the ducks would really enjoy!

The pups are loving the sun also! Roxie laid on the back deck this morning taking it all in as if she were a sun sponge! I am thinking they would probably really appreciate a walk around the block since the weather is so nice! So it seems like I should get off of here and get busy! Happy sunny day everybody!

Friday, February 12, 2010

heavy heart

I write with a heavy heart without really knowing what to write. My friend H was scheduled to bring home her son through domestic adoption today and has discovered that the birthmother has not signed her termination papers as planned yesterday. I don't take sides...H knew it wasn't 100% certain...all of us adopting know how the process works and all the potential regrets. I also fully believe in the rights of birthmoms. I can't fathom what they go through. It is actually unconceivable to me. I have never been able to wrap my mind around that. I just feel the weight of the situation on both sides.

As I continue to wait for the day I receive that call, I still can't envision what the experience will be like for us. We have been waiting 17 months and 8 days for a potential "match." We started the process well over a year before that approal date. It is a journey you can't wrap your mind around if you have not been in the same shoes. It is hard on you as a person, your marriage and your friends and family who hope and pray and love you all the way through!

Prayers for H today, please!

Monday, February 8, 2010

Sickness and Healing

So David has been sick for going on 8 days...actually he has been sick in some capacity for about a month. However, it was getting worse. One thing was this cough that sounded like a lung might be dispensed at any moment! We went to the best doctor in the world today! Seriously, he is great! He prescribed D with over 200.00 dollars in prescriptions so let's hope he gets some much needed releif. Neither one of us has slept much so I hope rest comes soon! I hate it when D gets sick because he really gets sick! Send up a little prayer of healing for him, won't you?! Please! :)

Saturday, January 30, 2010

Changing Churches - to do or not to do?

David and I are at a crossroads related to our church. The church that we once loved has changed over the last few months and I don't really know if it's the place for us. I don't really feel anything when I go anymore. I deeply respect our pastor but he seems to be changing and I am not sure it's the change we want to make. We both feel that he has used the pulpit for his own personal agenda multiple times and that deeply bothers both of us.

I want a Bible based church but the approach seems to be to have someone read a scripture and then the actual sermon is a story from present day about someone or some thing that has happened without reference to the Bible again. I really am a beginner Christian and I did not grow up in the church so I have so much to learn. I honestly don't feel like I learn much at church. The numbers have dwindled and there are few people our age. Even the choir has shrunk - sometimes their literally may only be 4 people up there.

You could be absent for weeks and nobody so much as calls to see if you are alive. Now, I don't need to somebody to dote on me and call me everytime I'm not there but the fact that nobody notices for weeks is alarming. Our grapevine leader has not contacted us for a whole year. Our pastor will say he is going to start up this or that and we get excited and it never happens.

We haven't been to church in a while because we frankly have been really disatisfied. We have looked around and tryed to figure out if we should try somewhere else but we hate the thought of church shopping. When do you know whether or not you need to find a new church? That is the question.

Catching up...

I am slowly realizing that I never have anything to say! :) I jump on here and read often but I can't think of anything fascinating to write about. We have NO baby news! As a matter of a fact, our counselor may have moved to the far East and we wouldn't know. It's complete silence on that homefront. The longer it takes the easier it becomes to not think about it so much. Sometimes I think...adoption...are we really in the process? It's because there is absoutely no news. I barely even look in the nursery when I go down the hall and sometimes I have to wonder why we have so much baby stuff because the possibility of a baby seems so distant now. On Feb. 4 we will have been waiting 17 months. That really is a long time.

Our counselor told us one time that the average wait is 18 to 36 months so we basically haven't even hit the average. I can tell you right now...I won't be able to wait 36 months! I don't have it in me. This I am sure of. I think the other thing that makes it so hard is that out of all the friends we have made through Bethany - they have either had placements or are anxiously waiting! :) So that leaves me feeling kind of out there by myself.

David and I have been discussing how long it has taken and we are slowly coming to the realization that at this rate this is likely the only child we will ever have - if he/she ever comes. We aren't old but getting older and the process takes so long. We both have siblings and hate the thought of our child being an only child. I have so many great memories all revolving around my brothers and sisters! :)

Adoption, for most, is a long, hard road and not for the faint of heart. It takes all you have and then you have to ask God to borrow more so you can make it. There are the easy days and the very difficult days. No matter what happens I will always have a healthy respect for anyone that even considers it.