Why did I do it? Why did I go online today to our adoption agency website? So I could look at all the waiting family profiles for our area. I mean let's see who all we have waiting!? I was not surprised to find many new couples but then I see what I did't want to see...the word placement over more couples that started the same time we did. It just reaffirms that we are still in the land of nowhere! No news! No calls! No emails! No letters! Just more months and more days of waiitng!! I knew better than to go on the web! I knew it! But I did it anyway. Looks folks... in 9 more days we hit the 19 month mark! That's almost two years of our lives we have spent waiitng for "the call!"
Everyday you wake up and in the back of your mind you think maybe today...then 100 days pass and they only proved to be mere possibilities. It's almost two more years of our lives that we have have been childless. Two more years of waiting for what never comes. Honestly, I don't know how much longer I can stand it. God knows I was never made of patience and this has taken everything I have had to make it through. All the while I see friends have babies, take placements, etc and I remain.
David and I have recently began discussing how we would feel if we never had children and I think we have decided we could be okay with that. Sure we could continue to wait and hope that one day we will get a call but it's the nagging on your heart in all the between times that you can't stand. Perhaps I could feel better knowing that the wait was over and that I didn't wake up everyday and wonder. Maybe just deciding to call it a day with the adoption would be better. The living your life in constant anticipation on pins and needles isn't doing it for me. Afterall, not everybody is meant to be a parent. Maybe we are on one those folks.
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4 comments:
I remember all those emotions...I, too, went to our website every month to scope out all the families that had been placed. It always made we wonder what was wrong with us that they were all getting chosen and we weren't....
Don't give up.
Any day, any minute your life can change in an instant.
I'd have looked too. I'm guessing it was probably because adoption is important to you and there are times when you want to DO SOMETHING about it. But when you're completely powerless and the website is a link to the process, you end up looking.
In the UK, there is a website with hard to place children, called 'Be My Parent' and when I'm feeling broody and restless, I go on it, looking for sibling groups needing families. An utterly pointless exercise, given that we're STILL waiting to be assessed, but it makes me feel connected to the process.
It's a pain, this waiting business....
If it makes you feel any better, that talk about not having children…it has been happening here too. You are not alone in your feelings. Hoping for better days ahead!
I totally understand, we just had our 18 month update to our home study, and in the meantime, my s-i-l has had 2 children not to mention other friends. it is hard to be happy for others when you so desperately want a child. I don't know that we would be content to not have children the rest of our lives, but if that happens, I trust God will give me some peace about it. Until then He has given me a strong desire to be a mother, so wait I do. Hang in there. Your time and my time will come soon.
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