When God speaks....I can read it!

So...last week I went to Lifeway and I found a really cool Ancient Faith Bible. It was pretty neat looking and it was hardback. It also had a wrap around magnetic closure and it was only 5 bucks! Sold! It is the perfect size to tote around with me and since it is encased and in hardback I can throw it in my bag without it getting destroyed.

So anyway, I was on my way to work last week and I was trying to find a verse I wanted to investigate further. (Oh, David was driving. Don't worry...I was not reading and driving although I have seen it done.) I thought the said verse was in the book of James. So I starting reading the first chapter - first verse. Now get ready - here is the funny part! The chapter starts out this way:

"Consider it a great joy, my brothers, whenever you experience various trials, knowing that the testing of your faith produces endurance. But endurance must do it's complete work, so that you may be mature and complete, lacking nothing. Now if any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives all generously and without criticizing, and it will be given to him. But let him ask in faith without doubting. For the doubter is like the surging sea, driven and tossed by the wind. That person should not expect to receive anything from the Lord. An indecisive man is unstable in all his ways." James 1: 2-8

Is this a subtle message; I ask God!? We have definitely just gone through a trial last week when our profile was shown and then we were not chosen. It was a bad trial! A tough trial! A not fun thing! A heartbreak! I could go on but I won't.

If the testing of my faith will produce endurance I should be ready for a marathon very soon! Maybe a triathlon even because I can tell you that I am having some serious questions right now! My faith has been challenged for sure. Then I read - endurance must run it's course. Oh boy! How many rejections will we have before endurance has run it's course? Oh, goodness! Seriously? Really? God, are you telling me I'm in for the long haul? You know I am weak in spirit and I am somewhat of a doubter right now. Because my faith is low I am being tossed about in the sea? Yes, I am. I get it! I hear you! Now just help me learn to get through it! Can you help me with some extra patience perhaps? Can you spare some extra grace and give it to me? I have said some not so nice things to you the last few weeks.

Oh but it does not end there my blog reader-people! Let me tell you what came after that in the book of James...

"Blessed is the man who endures trails, because when he passes the test he will receive the crown of life that He has promised to those who love Him. No one undergoing a trial should say, "I am being tempted by God." For God is not tempted by evil and He Himself doesn't tempt anyone. But each person is tempted when he is drawn away and enticed by his own evil desires. Then after desire has conceived, it gives birth to sin, and when sin is fully grown, it gives birth to death." James 1: 12-15

Ha! Then the big one...this next verse is actually stenciled on the wall above our baby's crib... "Every generous act and every perfect gift is from above..." James 1:17

I rest my case people! I needed to hear that and God showed me the way. This is so funny because I was just telling David that I never hear God. I know some people do but I never feel like I do. I try. I listen but I just don't hear it. But God, being who He is, does know that even though my skull may be thick; I can still read very well.

Just had to share that. I think it speaks for itself. By the way...the verse I was looking for was in Samuel! :)

Bradford Pear Trees Stink!

This has nothing to do with our adoption but I thought it was a noteworthy rambling. If you are a blogger that lives in Middle Tennessee like we do, you may have noticed a strange smell in the air. No....not strange - just bad! If you have many Bradford Pear trees near you they very likely are to blame. We have many on the campus where I work and they are in full bloom. When you step out of your car you get a faceful of it. This crazy weather has them in full bloom! Killer on allergies, too! Pretty but stinky! Random, I know.

Nameless Entry

I have been trying to think of a title for this post but I can't decide on one. Some great ones come to mind but I will spare you a ride on my emotion coaster for the moment. To catch you guys up, we got a call the Friday before last from our social worker. They wanted to show our profile. Thrilling!!! We were overjoyed. We told a few people that we thought would really pray for us and I know they did. Well it was a long 11 days. We were excited, cautious, thrilled, overjoyed, prayerful and hopeful. I woke up this past Friday knowing that this wasn't our time. I get feelings like that a lot and 99% of the time they prove true. Well...we got the call today that this wasn't our time, indeed. I think I knew that as of Friday morning but we found out officially today.

I think I have decided that I am going to suck at this. I know, it's an ugly word but it's how I feel. The waiting to be chosen to only to be rejected thing. I sort of feel like this item on a shelf at the store. There are four other similar to me and I am just hoping that somebody will choose me instead of the others beside me. Our agency shows five profiles at a time. So you have an 80% chance of rejection and a 20% chance of being chosen. Nice odds, huh? Well, the 80% rule swung in our favor. No baby for us this time. I know we have only been officially waiting for 6 months but you know, I don't care - it still sucks! It's awful.

I was thinking that some chance was better than no chance. That a nibble was better than an empty hook but I think I have changed my mind. I have not sleep well in 11 days and it's all I can think about every minute of the day. So I am not made for this. This waiting only to be rejected. It's not my thing. I have had some pretty wild thoughts over the last few days in particular. Things I won't go into but I have just been questioning a lot of things I thought I was solidly surer of. Today - not so sure of anything.

I have been trying to pep myself up today - make myself feel better. Trying to focus on God's word. Things like...His timing is perfect, that He has plans to prosper me and not harm me, that all things work for good for those that love Him and are called according to His purpose, knowing that He too was rejected, knowing I should be patient and wait upon the Lord, that when the child He wants for us is ready than it will be...However, blowing those words into the wind is as easy as blowing the top off of a dry dandelion. That's not pretty. It's not showing strong faith in Him. Maybe not what a Christian woman should say. But it's the ugly truth. It's how I feel today and that's what's on my mind. Lucky I have a place to speak my mind I guess.

I feel hard hearted today. I wonder how many times I can do this because the first time was so horrible for me. Maybe this is what I think I am supposed to do but yet I am not strong enough to do so.