Monday, March 9, 2009

Nameless Entry

I have been trying to think of a title for this post but I can't decide on one. Some great ones come to mind but I will spare you a ride on my emotion coaster for the moment. To catch you guys up, we got a call the Friday before last from our social worker. They wanted to show our profile. Thrilling!!! We were overjoyed. We told a few people that we thought would really pray for us and I know they did. Well it was a long 11 days. We were excited, cautious, thrilled, overjoyed, prayerful and hopeful. I woke up this past Friday knowing that this wasn't our time. I get feelings like that a lot and 99% of the time they prove true. Well...we got the call today that this wasn't our time, indeed. I think I knew that as of Friday morning but we found out officially today.

I think I have decided that I am going to suck at this. I know, it's an ugly word but it's how I feel. The waiting to be chosen to only to be rejected thing. I sort of feel like this item on a shelf at the store. There are four other similar to me and I am just hoping that somebody will choose me instead of the others beside me. Our agency shows five profiles at a time. So you have an 80% chance of rejection and a 20% chance of being chosen. Nice odds, huh? Well, the 80% rule swung in our favor. No baby for us this time. I know we have only been officially waiting for 6 months but you know, I don't care - it still sucks! It's awful.

I was thinking that some chance was better than no chance. That a nibble was better than an empty hook but I think I have changed my mind. I have not sleep well in 11 days and it's all I can think about every minute of the day. So I am not made for this. This waiting only to be rejected. It's not my thing. I have had some pretty wild thoughts over the last few days in particular. Things I won't go into but I have just been questioning a lot of things I thought I was solidly surer of. Today - not so sure of anything.

I have been trying to pep myself up today - make myself feel better. Trying to focus on God's word. Things like...His timing is perfect, that He has plans to prosper me and not harm me, that all things work for good for those that love Him and are called according to His purpose, knowing that He too was rejected, knowing I should be patient and wait upon the Lord, that when the child He wants for us is ready than it will be...However, blowing those words into the wind is as easy as blowing the top off of a dry dandelion. That's not pretty. It's not showing strong faith in Him. Maybe not what a Christian woman should say. But it's the ugly truth. It's how I feel today and that's what's on my mind. Lucky I have a place to speak my mind I guess.

I feel hard hearted today. I wonder how many times I can do this because the first time was so horrible for me. Maybe this is what I think I am supposed to do but yet I am not strong enough to do so.


Rebekah said...

I've written this same post. You're right...this process sucks. In five months we were only shown twice. The months that we weren't shown I cried from hopelessness and the two that we were, I cried because we weren't picked. You can't win. It all sucks; it all hurts.

Hang in there, friend.

Farid said...

" I will not leave you or forsake you. Be strong and of good courage" (Joshua 1:5,6).

TXMom2B said...

It's like the two-week-wait, but worse because you know it is in the hands of a person:-( I'm not going to give you the platitudes because I know they don't help when you're feeling like this will never happen. I spent as much time preparing for total failure as I did preparing for a baby. Right now, maybe just take care of yourself the same way you do during the dreaded Aunt Flow, you know, wine, chocolate, etc., and let yourself have a short pity party. In time, you'll feel better, and then, one day, you'll suddenly be a mom and, trust me, a part of you will forget how painful these waiting days are. The pain will heal, anyway. Big hugs!!! I hope your day comes soon!!!

hollyrenee said...

I don't think this worked yesterday when I tried to post...sorry if it did and I've sent it twice! Anyway...when you wrote me back to tell me you were being shown last week, it hit me...we were shown to the same birthmother. I don't know if you saw the timeline on the side of my blog, but we've been shown three times now, and every time (including this one), it's been a no. It DOES stink, and I'm so sorry you're feeling this way. However, I can honestly say that it does get "better", if that's the word to use, each time you experience it. What has helped me is to cry, scream, question, pour my heart out to God...and then choose to believe and remember this: When YOUR birthmom sees your profile, it will not be our usual 20% chance; it will be a 100% certainty to Him. He has predestined both of our babies just for us. "Eye has not seen, ear has not heard, neither has entered into the heart of man what God has prepared for those who love Him." Praying for you!