Saturday, July 18, 2009

Almost one year later...

Well, like our adoption buddies, Holly and Donnie, we are fast approaching the "one year of waiting for baby" mark! This has been the most difficult, thought-provoking two years of our marriage - from deciding to go through the process, until now.

As many of you now, I have moved to a new agency with the grant I work with. That means more paperwork for the adoption agency. It is also about time for us to "re-up" our agreement with our agency. (Agreement is probably not the right know what I mean though!) So we have been thinking about it a lot.

This year has been something you could not possibly understand unless you have been through the process. That is one aspect that makes adoption so difficult. So few people in your "circle" understand. When they try to be helpful, they often end up saying things that make you want to claw you eyes out. My very favorite - "As soon as you bring that baby home, you will get pregnant!" Really, you think...well, that would be interesting considering we have been trying for more than 5 years!!! It's not like we tried for 2 months and said..."we give up!"

Anyway, I was trying to think of what the adoption process feels like for those of you who have no experience with it. I will put a few bullets down below:

*Waiting for 365 days (on pins and needles) for the one day that will forever change your life never comes.

*Going on a job interview for the one job you know that you were meant to have...and never hearing from them.

*Like a box of cereal on the shelf just hoping to be picked up...but everybody passes you by for another "flavor."

*Like a puddle....slowly evaporating after a hot day.

*Like playing the lottery everyday...never having the winning number.

*Having your heart so hopeful that it could burst...the next day you feel like it could never be full again!

So, anyway - we are we "re-up" for another year? Not because we are quitters but because it is a very painful process that you inflict on yourself. We are putting ourselves through this on purpose and it is painfully hard. Why do we keep doing it? The reality is that there really is no guarantee that we will ever be picked. I mean there is not. It is up to someone else and there are many other families out there to choose from. We can keep torturing ourselves but for how long do you do it? How many days, weeks, months and years do you spend wondering if today will be the day?


Rebekah said...

Man have I been there... I HATED the "you'll get pregnant" comments! I wanted to punch someone in the face every time it was said!

I'm so sorry for your pain...I wish Ben and I were the only couple that ever had to go through is so very difficult...

We were so broken after 4 months of waiting that we decided then that after a year we were going to be done...we just couldn't take anymore. We ended up getting matched at the end of month 5, but even the months following, until baby was born, we talked about it, in case R changed her mind.

Im sure we would have moved on to adopt out of foster care or something, but a break would have been needed. No one can tell you what you should do...I'm sure the world would say, "renew!" and think you crazy if you didn't...but I get it. Sometimes you barely have the energy to make it through another day....

There's no way I could have taken another is just too hard.

Big hugs.

holly said...

Jennifer, you are pretty much taking the words right out of my mind! There are days that I have complete faith and trust that this will happen, and then there are days that I just think, "This is such a long shot. It's never going to happen." I read your post and was totally feeling your thoughts about the uncertainty of it all, and then I heard the choir song for this week at church...Bow the Knee. I don't know if you've heard it before, but it is totally a song for us! Please let me know if you haven't and I'll find a link for you to hear it. Anyhow, I hope that this time next year we are both sitting at the park with our babies, praising the Lord for His faithfulness in both of our lives. It can happen. It WILL happen if that's God's will for us. And if it isn't, He will bring us something better than we could've ever known (Jeremiah 29:11). Prayers for you today!

Melba said...

Hi Jennifer,

I'm new to your blog, just hopped over from Holly's.

I can TOTALLY relate to everything you said here, and I like your analogies for people not immersed in the adoption world. We should have a name for them, don't you think...something like muggles only different. :)

All I can say is...hang in there! I completely agree with Rebekah that no one can tell you what you should do, but I'm also living testimony that sometimes miracles really do happen.

Right before we got our call, I was pretty down and out. We had been waiting just over nine months and I was very close to wanting to give up and throw in the towel, despite all the hard work we had done to that point. I was becoming someone I didn't like very much, and it scared me.

But then, in the blink of an eye, everything changed and we became parents. All I can say is, the journey and struggle we went through to get to our son were completely worth it. I hope you'll be saying that someday soon too, and I hope you don't give up!!