Feeling Cold

For those of you that read our blog which I often don't update like I should...well, I felt like writing to you today. Actually I wanted to last night but was feeling to cold to do so. Not literally but emotionally. Yesterday was a wierd day... sort of. I went over to the Bethany office to deliver some paperwork so that we may have our profile put online for birthparents to see. For me that office is a hopeful place. I feel good when I go in there. Everyone is upbeat and friendly and encouraging. The work they do for children and families is awe-inspiring. I feel closer to our baby when I go there. However, lately I have been feeling far from baby and I felt empty leaving there yesterday as I passed the family room where so many placement ceremonies happen - while feeling that my day is so far away. I am attributing this from feeling lonely over the holidays because our baby isn't home. This child, be it concieved yet or not, is real to me and part of my family already and I missed him/her desperately over Christmas as you would any absent family member. So instead of feeling hopeful after leaving the office yesterday I just felt sadly cold and a little empty.

On the way home I was thinking that we should have heard from the grant we applied for by now to help with the adoption. So I ran my errands after work...got home...went to the mail box...and there it was an answer to my prayers - the letter we have waited for from the grant agency. I opened it in the dark cold of the drive way and could barely read the words under the streetlamp. The words that I had imagined were there were not. No grant. A line about the high volume of applicants. A few lines later encouraging us to still be faitful to God's call and then a Bible verse that I don't remember because I was to disappointed at the moment to really pay attention.

Long story short... we are bummed. David handles everything better than me but I am bummed, cold, lonely and apathetic a little. I know others have waited a lot longer but the desires of your heart start way before your "paper approval date". So I wanted to share with you. I share the good, the common and now the disappointing.

I taught a class this morning as I often do for work and on the break I was listening to a girl saying she goes to the doctor tomorrow to hear her baby's heartbeat for the first time. I wanted to run from the room. I was thinking...thanks for letting me experience this one God, I really not feeling sad enough already. So I am sad today and just feeling cold.

I hope all of you are healthy and happy and I thank you for letting me share with you and for those of you who read and remember us.