Saturday, July 18, 2009

Almost one year later...

Well, like our adoption buddies, Holly and Donnie, we are fast approaching the "one year of waiting for baby" mark! This has been the most difficult, thought-provoking two years of our marriage - from deciding to go through the process, until now.

As many of you now, I have moved to a new agency with the grant I work with. That means more paperwork for the adoption agency. It is also about time for us to "re-up" our agreement with our agency. (Agreement is probably not the right know what I mean though!) So we have been thinking about it a lot.

This year has been something you could not possibly understand unless you have been through the process. That is one aspect that makes adoption so difficult. So few people in your "circle" understand. When they try to be helpful, they often end up saying things that make you want to claw you eyes out. My very favorite - "As soon as you bring that baby home, you will get pregnant!" Really, you think...well, that would be interesting considering we have been trying for more than 5 years!!! It's not like we tried for 2 months and said..."we give up!"

Anyway, I was trying to think of what the adoption process feels like for those of you who have no experience with it. I will put a few bullets down below:

*Waiting for 365 days (on pins and needles) for the one day that will forever change your life never comes.

*Going on a job interview for the one job you know that you were meant to have...and never hearing from them.

*Like a box of cereal on the shelf just hoping to be picked up...but everybody passes you by for another "flavor."

*Like a puddle....slowly evaporating after a hot day.

*Like playing the lottery everyday...never having the winning number.

*Having your heart so hopeful that it could burst...the next day you feel like it could never be full again!

So, anyway - we are we "re-up" for another year? Not because we are quitters but because it is a very painful process that you inflict on yourself. We are putting ourselves through this on purpose and it is painfully hard. Why do we keep doing it? The reality is that there really is no guarantee that we will ever be picked. I mean there is not. It is up to someone else and there are many other families out there to choose from. We can keep torturing ourselves but for how long do you do it? How many days, weeks, months and years do you spend wondering if today will be the day?

So much going on...

Oh my goodness! Could it be that I haven't posted in so long? Absolutely! We have been crazy busy and the times I have thought to post I couldn't figure out just what I wanted to say. We have had the absolute craziest 3 months of our entire married lives! I won't go into details here, so just trust me. However, things are settling back down. One of the things that made it crazy was my work. I have worked on a grant program for 7 years and our grant went out for bid... fast-forward...months later, I have the same job at a totally new place because a new bidder was found! That brought with it a huge physical move and on a ton of stress but I LOVE where I am at now! I prayed to be away from where I was and God, liteally, answered my prayers! I would love to tell you where I am but I am always cautioned about anonimity because of the adoption - so I won't. Anyway, we are alive and very busy!

A big congratulations to Rebekah and Ben at Heart Cries on the birth of their beautiful baby boy! What an indescribale gift?! A shout out to Holly and Donnie - we are approaching the one year mark of waiting also and have more questions than answers! You are in my prayers!