Nothing brings out the Christmas spirit like Black Friday!

Oh my goodness! David and I have a tradition of getting up early on Black Friday and hitting the stores! This is typically where I do the bulk of my shopping. But because we have been "under the weather" we got a much later start. I thought this might be better because of all the other nuts out early like us! WRONG! The first store I went into had a 45 minute line. So I got David to stand in line and I shopped. When the load got to heavy I would dump my stuff off with him and make another round. However, there were the most rude and hateful people out yesterday. People just standing in the midle of an isle so you couldn't get by and groaning if you pushed your way through anyway! Nothing like the old Christmas Spirit!

Today is going to be part wrapping palooza and part putting up Christmas trees and then a date with David! Think we are celebrating our anniversary today since my friend Ashley decided to get married next weekend when we would normally celebrate! On December 2, 2009 we will be married 9 years! Can you believe it? 9 years and no babies?! Perhaps year 10 will look differently!

Joy comes in the morning....

Well...after a crazy day yesterday I am glad to wake up today satisfied with our decision and feeling good about it! I was talking to David yesterday on the way home and we were discussing how this adoption process makes us feel heavy. It feels like you are always waiting for something to happen, always carrying something around on your back like a weight. It's hard to describe but I am sure those of you who are reading and waiting know exactly what I mean. Anyway, today I feel joyful and a little bit lighter than yesterday! So for that I am relieved. It's off to the start of a busy Saturday for me! I thank each of you for reading and posting and making me feel like I didn't make a poor decision!

On the adoption front...

We received an email today asking us our permission for our profile to be shown which is weird because our agency doesn't operate that way anymore. It turned out to be an odd situation. The Birthmom is actually part of MTV's show 16 and pregnant. So by agreeing to be shown we would then agree to say yes if we were chosen. By agreeing to do those to things we would have to sign many legal releases and be filmed for television! Wow! Talk about your odd email's. Those don't happen everyday. We had until 3 this afternoon to decide.

So what are you thinking? Crazy, huh? Would you do it?

We decided that we did not want to be shown. To me that is adding to many layers to an already difficult situation. In the past, we have been open to being shown anytime we have gotten a call but there is no way I could live out those moments of my life on television!

I had a pit in my stomach over it even though my gut reaction was "no." I felt like I was passing up an opportunity and I beat myself up. I thought - You could have had a baby! Then I thought, how pathethic, Jennifer? Are you so desperate that you would do something that feels wrong in your heart of hearts...something you know you don't want to do?! I would actually enter into a legal agreement and let the world watch my experince on MTV!? So I feel good about the decision we made.

So if we were chosen, which was never a guarantee, we would have had a baby before Christmas. Can you believe that? What a gift that would have been, huh? So - today was a very bizarre day. I just thought I would share with you guys....

Met up with another Bethany family

David and I went out to dinner Friday night and it was delicious! Upon our return to the car, we ran into a couple that started in the same orientation class with us for our adoption. At first, I only saw the wife. Then around the corner walks her husband with child in tow! Oh boy! This is the time I want to run and hide but that would be rude! In talking to them we found out that they had placement a year ago! Wow! Really? You have had your baby for a year! We have been waiting for 14 months and 6 days today! What would it be like for us to have been parents for a year already?

She goes on to tell us that they didn't even receive placement through the agency. They received placement through Catholic Charities after 3 failed placements with our agency. So now my wheels are turning. I have been trying to think about other options to explore but now I am really thinking about it! However, how do you decide? We have already paid so much money into our current agency and we don't have enough to start all over again. I am starting to feel trapped. Of course I feel impatient and anxious, too. It's just amazing that so many of the familes we started with have their children already and everyday we just sit back and wonder when it might be our turn.

Please, please don't tell me that God has our child and when it is meant to be it will happen! I beg you not to tell me that! It's not that I don't understand that but I get tired of hearing it because to be honest with you it doesn't feel that way in my heart most days. In my head - I get it! It's my heart that doesn't want to hear that. 14 months is 14 months and it's a really long time to wait. I mean think of all the things that have happened in your life the last 14 months! It's a whole year in your life! Some of you have had babies of your own, some have had placements, some have brought your children home, some have remained in waiting.

As it's getting closer to Christmas, I can't help but think of this time last year - feeling sure that this year I would be a mom. We still have a tiny Christmas tree in our nursery that I put up last year with tiny gifts underneath. I swore I would leave it up until baby came home but I have an urge to pick the whole thing up and dispose of it in the garbage because it feels more like a slap in the face.

I was sure that I would get used to waiting and it would be easier in time but that's not true. It's opposite actually. I thought I would be highly skilled at this by now. Unfortunately, I am not. So I wait and wonder. Are we with the right agency? What are all my options? Where will I be six months or a year from now? So many questions!

I am happy for the family that we met. But as always I am sad for me. The wife said to me, "We are going to pray for you. It's going to happen soon for you - I just know it is!" Yes....we have heard that before and I hope you are right.