Friday, September 5, 2008

A.M. Ponderings

I have the day off today. It's my last day of vacation, in fact.(It's Jenn by the way. You know David rarely posts.) I have been thinking many different thoughts about the good news we recieved this week. For those of you who haven't followed...we are officially a waiting family!

I have had thoughts just constantly bouncing around in my head. I have wondered how long before we get a call, the call, any call? I have wondered boy or girl? I continue to look out at the sky and realize that our birthmom is covered by the same heavens even though she may be so far away. I wonder what she looks like. I wonder what her voice sounds like. I mostly wonder where she is in the journey. I wonder if the child God has intended for us has been concieved. I wonder if our birthmom can feel my prayers. Is she strangely warmed and yet she doesn't know why? Where is God in her life - from her perspective?

I was saying to David last night that I feel like I have been looking through a brick wall with holes in it. I could see the other side but I couldn't walk through. After we got our official letter in the mail yesterday it's like the brick wall fell down. Now there is no holding back. I have clarity. I can see the whole picture.

What a reality it is to go from one stack of paperwork to the other, to appointments, to physicals, to background checks, to meetings, to classes, to initial wonderings, from fear, from hurry up and wait to now. Now we have been cleared for take-off so to speak.

So we wait. It could be two days, two weeks, two months...who knows? Well, God does, of course. Too bad He won't share his timeline with me. So we wait anxiously. I am more anxious than David. He is not an anxious person like I tend to be. I find that I am frustrated because I have unidentified emotions about the reality of right now. I am so eager, so anxious and so impatient. I am also just overwhelmed with joy. It's the strangest combination - to be so excited and so overwhelemd and so anxious all at the same time.

I am staring at the keyboard as I type because I am a horrible typist. I keep thinking how much better I would feel if my fingers could magically hit all the right keys and explain how I feel. What a great relief to be able to express myself more completely. Yet, the words don't come. That in itself is frustrating. It is good to blog but not very fufilling when your finger keeps hitting the backspace key because your words don't come out right. I think I'll give it up for now.