Hope you had a Merry Christmas!

I wish I would have had the opportunity to wish you a Merry Christmas before Christmas but I guess now will have to do! So, "Merry Christmas!" I hope you all had a wonderful Christmas! We had a fun time yesterday with my family. We won't see David's side of the family until New Years but that will be fun, too! We can stretch the holidays out that way! :)

I was looking at the decorations this morning thinking if they will see the attic and another Christmas before we see a baby in our home! Baby surprise has had a Christams tree and presents in his/her room since last Christmas and I vowed not to take it down until baby came but I am seriously considering it. There just doesn't seem to be a reason to leave it up and me keeping a tree up won't make it happen any faster. Actually the tree is just a reminder of how long it's been! So, it's coming down! I can't even remember what the presents are right now so it will be fun to see what I bought last year! :)

Please say a special prayer for my friend, Holly, who's mom is struggling in the hospital over Christmas. Also, please say a prayer for all the children an families, all over the world, who are waiting to be made forever families. The holidays are especially hard because it feels like part of your family is missing.

Lastly, be very thankful for your health, happiness, family and blessings! I have heard about many people having hardships right now and I am feeling so blessed. I hope you all have a wonderful New Year!

Happy Anniversary

Hello friends! I just wanted to tell you that today is our wedding anniversary! We have been married 9 years. We have celebrated in phases because we are going to a wedding when we would normally celebrate. Tonight we are going out for a laid back dinner after work. We are thinking that we should do something really cool next year since it will be 10 years! Just wanted to share...hope you all are well!

Nothing brings out the Christmas spirit like Black Friday!

Oh my goodness! David and I have a tradition of getting up early on Black Friday and hitting the stores! This is typically where I do the bulk of my shopping. But because we have been "under the weather" we got a much later start. I thought this might be better because of all the other nuts out early like us! WRONG! The first store I went into had a 45 minute line. So I got David to stand in line and I shopped. When the load got to heavy I would dump my stuff off with him and make another round. However, there were the most rude and hateful people out yesterday. People just standing in the midle of an isle so you couldn't get by and groaning if you pushed your way through anyway! Nothing like the old Christmas Spirit!

Today is going to be part wrapping palooza and part putting up Christmas trees and then a date with David! Think we are celebrating our anniversary today since my friend Ashley decided to get married next weekend when we would normally celebrate! On December 2, 2009 we will be married 9 years! Can you believe it? 9 years and no babies?! Perhaps year 10 will look differently!

Joy comes in the morning....

Well...after a crazy day yesterday I am glad to wake up today satisfied with our decision and feeling good about it! I was talking to David yesterday on the way home and we were discussing how this adoption process makes us feel heavy. It feels like you are always waiting for something to happen, always carrying something around on your back like a weight. It's hard to describe but I am sure those of you who are reading and waiting know exactly what I mean. Anyway, today I feel joyful and a little bit lighter than yesterday! So for that I am relieved. It's off to the start of a busy Saturday for me! I thank each of you for reading and posting and making me feel like I didn't make a poor decision!

On the adoption front...

We received an email today asking us our permission for our profile to be shown which is weird because our agency doesn't operate that way anymore. It turned out to be an odd situation. The Birthmom is actually part of MTV's show 16 and pregnant. So by agreeing to be shown we would then agree to say yes if we were chosen. By agreeing to do those to things we would have to sign many legal releases and be filmed for television! Wow! Talk about your odd email's. Those don't happen everyday. We had until 3 this afternoon to decide.

So what are you thinking? Crazy, huh? Would you do it?

We decided that we did not want to be shown. To me that is adding to many layers to an already difficult situation. In the past, we have been open to being shown anytime we have gotten a call but there is no way I could live out those moments of my life on television!

I had a pit in my stomach over it even though my gut reaction was "no." I felt like I was passing up an opportunity and I beat myself up. I thought - You could have had a baby! Then I thought, how pathethic, Jennifer? Are you so desperate that you would do something that feels wrong in your heart of hearts...something you know you don't want to do?! I would actually enter into a legal agreement and let the world watch my experince on MTV!? So I feel good about the decision we made.

So if we were chosen, which was never a guarantee, we would have had a baby before Christmas. Can you believe that? What a gift that would have been, huh? So - today was a very bizarre day. I just thought I would share with you guys....

Met up with another Bethany family

David and I went out to dinner Friday night and it was delicious! Upon our return to the car, we ran into a couple that started in the same orientation class with us for our adoption. At first, I only saw the wife. Then around the corner walks her husband with child in tow! Oh boy! This is the time I want to run and hide but that would be rude! In talking to them we found out that they had placement a year ago! Wow! Really? You have had your baby for a year! We have been waiting for 14 months and 6 days today! What would it be like for us to have been parents for a year already?

She goes on to tell us that they didn't even receive placement through the agency. They received placement through Catholic Charities after 3 failed placements with our agency. So now my wheels are turning. I have been trying to think about other options to explore but now I am really thinking about it! However, how do you decide? We have already paid so much money into our current agency and we don't have enough to start all over again. I am starting to feel trapped. Of course I feel impatient and anxious, too. It's just amazing that so many of the familes we started with have their children already and everyday we just sit back and wonder when it might be our turn.

Please, please don't tell me that God has our child and when it is meant to be it will happen! I beg you not to tell me that! It's not that I don't understand that but I get tired of hearing it because to be honest with you it doesn't feel that way in my heart most days. In my head - I get it! It's my heart that doesn't want to hear that. 14 months is 14 months and it's a really long time to wait. I mean think of all the things that have happened in your life the last 14 months! It's a whole year in your life! Some of you have had babies of your own, some have had placements, some have brought your children home, some have remained in waiting.

As it's getting closer to Christmas, I can't help but think of this time last year - feeling sure that this year I would be a mom. We still have a tiny Christmas tree in our nursery that I put up last year with tiny gifts underneath. I swore I would leave it up until baby came home but I have an urge to pick the whole thing up and dispose of it in the garbage because it feels more like a slap in the face.

I was sure that I would get used to waiting and it would be easier in time but that's not true. It's opposite actually. I thought I would be highly skilled at this by now. Unfortunately, I am not. So I wait and wonder. Are we with the right agency? What are all my options? Where will I be six months or a year from now? So many questions!

I am happy for the family that we met. But as always I am sad for me. The wife said to me, "We are going to pray for you. It's going to happen soon for you - I just know it is!" Yes....we have heard that before and I hope you are right.

Problem posting?

I have had a few people tell me that they have been trying to leave comments but can't! Please email me at davandjen@yahoo.com and tell me if this is the case! I can't figure out what is going on with this silly thing! Any suggestions/ideas/hints?

Potluck Coupon Train - All Aboard - Email Me!

Okay...so I am a coupon lover! When I really work at it I can save a ton of money. My friend told me about coupon trains a while back but the train she was on was full. Basically thereare passengers and conductors. The conductors start the train and the passengers keep it moving!

I want to start a coupon train! It would be a potluck train...meaning coupons from the Sunday paper, mailers, pizza coupons, baby coupons - basically any coupons. I'm not interested in a specialized train because I think having a variety would meet the most needs. So I am volunteering to be the conductor! Who will be my passengers? What the heck am I talking about?

It's simple really. I will start an envelope with coupons in it. I will send it to a passenger who signs up to "ride" the train. That passenger takes out a number of coupons they will use...say 10 for example. The catch is that they have to put 10 back in. Then they send it on to the next passenger on the list and this goes on until it get backs to the conductor. Then the process keeps going.

The conductor can set up rules like how many coupons a passenger can take, how soon you need to mail the envelope forward, etc. I am open to suggestions since I have never done this before. I was thinking about 5 -10 people on the train. So if you are interested please email me at davandjen@yahoo.com and put "coupon train" in the subject line. I will keep the invitation open until next friday evening. That will give everyone a week. Please send me your suggestions and I will put everything together and set up a distribution list! I think this could be fun! If you are intersted or have questions let me know!!

Happy Long Weekend!

One Year Mark

I never dreamed that one year after we were approved for domestic adoption we would still be here waiting with empty arms. I have been thinking about what we were doing this time last year. We were actually on vacation. So here we are a year later. No baby. No activity. Nothing. I feel cold and aloof today. I also feel like I have earned some sort of badge. I can now say that we have made it through the one year mark. I don't know if it gets easier or harder but it feels like we have crossed a big bump in the road if nothing else. I can't help but wonder where we will be a year from now...

An Odd Saturday Morning

So I couldn't really sleep in this morning. That's the way it always is on Saturdays but you can bet Monday - Friday I would love to snooze til 9 or 10! Anyway, I get up and stumble around. Ginger, my black lab, was laying at the foot of our bed cutting off the circulation to David's legs and I went I got she followed me. About that time I quickly remeber that she has got to go to the vet for a urinalysis becasue of some medicine she takes. They had mentioned that they may have to extract it if she would go while we were there. I was afraid she wouldn't so I sen d David outside to follow her for her morning potty. Weird, I know. I was just trying to save her from some weird "extraction" process. So I fumble around in the pantry and find a clean but empty recycled sour cream container. That was the vessel of choice. Success! Ginger did what he needed to do and we got what we needed! That's an odd way to start a Saturday, don't you think? Catching doggie dribble in a recycled container?

Then she had a visitor while we were out there. Our yard is fenced in and a little neighbor dog came to see her and she didn't even bark. That's even more weird because she barks at children 15 miles away! :)

The third weird thing about this Saturday morning is that I am eating chips for breakfast. This is actually my buddy Gavin's fault. He probably has no idea that years ago when we worked together he brought in these chips one day that would begin a multi-year addiction to them. They are Lay's Kettle Cooked Mesquite Barbeque Extra Crunchy Potato Chips! I am not a huge chip person but I have loved these since the day I met them. Thanks for introducing me Gavin! :) I think Elizabeth and I ate your whole bag so I should apologize for that. Sorry! ")

So it's early...not even 10 am. What other oddities will follow me through this day?

There's gotta be something else...

(Long sigh.) There has got to be something else I can write about on this blog besides the long, roller coaster ride of waiting for placement - but what?! I need an idea! I am sad about waiting. I am anxious about waiting. I am tired of being sad and anxious about waiting!!!! I want to share my thoughts and have an outlet to express frustration but at the same time I want something else "to say." Is my life that boring? I need some inspiration? Hmmmmmm.......to be continued!

Priceless experience

David and I were so fortunate to get to go last night and visit our friends who just had a baby. He was perfect in every way which was a blessing because he arrived several weeks early. The proud parents were beaming and glowing! We are delighted for them and so happy that we got to soak up part of their moment. I could not be more thrilled for them! They are wonderful people and now they are on their way to a beautiful family. They are just genuine, real people and they have received a wonderful treasure from God. Holding their newborn son was such a joy for me and I have to admit a heartbreak.

Sometimes I shy away from showers and births and the like because it is difficult. On the other hand, "they" are your friends and you want to be part of their life and share in their joy. We just love these guys too much not to go and see them but boy, is my heart sick?! But I am SO GLAD I went! Their son is precious! What an indescribable gift?!

David and I have almost hit the one year of waiting mark and each day that passes is twice as hard as the one before. Some days it seems like our call has to come soon. But most days it seems like a small possibility that it will ever happen. I knew the wait would be difficult but for some reason I thought we wouldn't have to wait so long.

Most days I am beyond frustrated. I can't seem to find anything to do to pass the time away and so few people understand this experience that it's hard to find people to relate to. I actually am at the point where I get mad at God many days. I feel ignored no matter how many verses I try to focus on. We are at a cross roads trying to decide to if this is God's plan for us. What a terribly difficult decision....

What to do today?

I was so looking forward to sleeping in on this bright and shiny Saturday but I was up with the sun! Why is it that most days I can't pry my eyes open but on Saturday's I wake right up? It's a mystery to me!

So I caught up with my email, facebook and my blog buddies this morning and I have the whole day in front of me! So what to do? Should I go shopping? Go to a movie? Read one of the three new books I purchased? Be lazy? Make cookies? It's all up in the air! I think I shuld make some lunch first. I am getting hungry!

Almost one year later...

Well, like our adoption buddies, Holly and Donnie, we are fast approaching the "one year of waiting for baby" mark! This has been the most difficult, thought-provoking two years of our marriage - from deciding to go through the process, until now.

As many of you now, I have moved to a new agency with the grant I work with. That means more paperwork for the adoption agency. It is also about time for us to "re-up" our agreement with our agency. (Agreement is probably not the right word...you know what I mean though!) So we have been thinking about it a lot.

This year has been something you could not possibly understand unless you have been through the process. That is one aspect that makes adoption so difficult. So few people in your "circle" understand. When they try to be helpful, they often end up saying things that make you want to claw you eyes out. My very favorite - "As soon as you bring that baby home, you will get pregnant!" Really, you think...well, that would be interesting considering we have been trying for more than 5 years!!! It's not like we tried for 2 months and said..."we give up!"

Anyway, I was trying to think of what the adoption process feels like for those of you who have no experience with it. I will put a few bullets down below:

*Waiting for 365 days (on pins and needles) for the one day that will forever change your life and...it never comes.

*Going on a job interview for the one job you know that you were meant to have...and never hearing from them.

*Like a box of cereal on the shelf just hoping to be picked up...but everybody passes you by for another "flavor."

*Like a puddle....slowly evaporating after a hot day.

*Like playing the lottery everyday...never having the winning number.

*Having your heart so hopeful that it could burst...the next day you feel like it could never be full again!

So, anyway - we are wondering...do we "re-up" for another year? Not because we are quitters but because it is a very painful process that you inflict on yourself. We are putting ourselves through this on purpose and it is painfully hard. Why do we keep doing it? The reality is that there really is no guarantee that we will ever be picked. I mean there is not. It is up to someone else and there are many other families out there to choose from. We can keep torturing ourselves but for how long do you do it? How many days, weeks, months and years do you spend wondering if today will be the day?

So much going on...

Oh my goodness! Could it be that I haven't posted in so long? Absolutely! We have been crazy busy and the times I have thought to post I couldn't figure out just what I wanted to say. We have had the absolute craziest 3 months of our entire married lives! I won't go into details here, so just trust me. However, things are settling back down. One of the things that made it crazy was my work. I have worked on a grant program for 7 years and our grant went out for bid... fast-forward...months later, I have the same job at a totally new place because a new bidder was found! That brought with it a huge physical move and on a ton of stress but I LOVE where I am at now! I prayed to be away from where I was and God, liteally, answered my prayers! I would love to tell you where I am but I am always cautioned about anonimity because of the adoption - so I won't. Anyway, we are alive and very busy!

A big congratulations to Rebekah and Ben at Heart Cries on the birth of their beautiful baby boy! What an indescribale gift?! A shout out to Holly and Donnie - we are approaching the one year mark of waiting also and have more questions than answers! You are in my prayers!

Ahhh...Peace & Quiet

I am sitting in our beautiful downtown library. I got finished with my afternoon appointment early - before it was time to pick up David - but not enough time to make it back into the office. I decided I would hang out at the library and Dae walked over to meet me when it was quitting time! I am staring down the long weekend with plans of rest and relaxation. I took tomorrow off for a much needed breather. I am actually going to hang out with my 10 and 13 year old nieces tomorrow. I need to be reminded how to relax and kick back and who better to remind you of the simple joys of life than kid-dos! Truth be told I will most likely be exhausted and partially broke after our girls day but it Will be so worth it! If we do anything fun I will report back! A big shout out to Holly and Rebekah for praying for me and encouraging me! You guys are the best and always there when nobody else quite "gets it!"

Potential Placement - Flop!

Well, I thought I would update you on our last "situation" as our social worker calls them. Turns out that the birthmother had not told her family that she was 5 months pregnant. They actually found out when our profile was on it's way to Knoxville. They stepped up and she is going to parent. I am trying to stay positive but we have just about hit the 9 month mark of waiting and I am starting to become disenchanted with the process. It doesn't help that I don't agree with the way the agency is going to begin showing profiles. It's like some wild possibility that looms out there - that we might actually have a baby someday - but the truth is, in actuality, there really is no guarantee that we will ever be chosen.

I'm Back!!!

WOW! It has been a long, long time since I have posted! We are still kicking. I have just been in a slump. I have some extremely difficult things happening at work and David has been recovering from his surgery that he had a few weeks ago! We have been CRAZY busy!

I hope that you guys haven't given up reading our blog even though we haven't had much for you to read lately. I really aspire to write so much more but I work all day at work and then I put in a few hours at home so I have no time. David is busy getting ready to sit for the first part of his CPA test. Prayers, please!

Well, we got our second call yesterday about a potential match with a birthmom. Apparently she found our profile on the internet and contacted our local agency. They mailed off our profile today as she is in another town. I'm just keeping it in the back of my mind. I was so excited last time and my heart broke in half when we were not chosen. So...I am keeping a lid on it this time. We will let you know. A call is exciting but then the fear of rejection looms!

A nice gentleman named Blake that was at our playgroup the other night had a great piece of advice he shared. He and his wife have adopted once before and they have been waiting for about 9 months for their second child. He was saying how he was getting anxious and he said he had just prayed that the waiting wouldn't be the first thing on his mind everyday. How simple?! But how true? I am going to start doing the same thing. Somedays it feels like it will never happen...like it's just this thing in the back of your mind. Other days it feels like it's just around the corner. So for all of you that are waiting...my prayers are with you tonight. May God speed the process and keep our minds busy while we suffer through the difficult wait.

When God speaks....I can read it!

So...last week I went to Lifeway and I found a really cool Ancient Faith Bible. It was pretty neat looking and it was hardback. It also had a wrap around magnetic closure and it was only 5 bucks! Sold! It is the perfect size to tote around with me and since it is encased and in hardback I can throw it in my bag without it getting destroyed.

So anyway, I was on my way to work last week and I was trying to find a verse I wanted to investigate further. (Oh, David was driving. Don't worry...I was not reading and driving although I have seen it done.) I thought the said verse was in the book of James. So I starting reading the first chapter - first verse. Now get ready - here is the funny part! The chapter starts out this way:

"Consider it a great joy, my brothers, whenever you experience various trials, knowing that the testing of your faith produces endurance. But endurance must do it's complete work, so that you may be mature and complete, lacking nothing. Now if any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives all generously and without criticizing, and it will be given to him. But let him ask in faith without doubting. For the doubter is like the surging sea, driven and tossed by the wind. That person should not expect to receive anything from the Lord. An indecisive man is unstable in all his ways." James 1: 2-8

Is this a subtle message; I ask God!? We have definitely just gone through a trial last week when our profile was shown and then we were not chosen. It was a bad trial! A tough trial! A not fun thing! A heartbreak! I could go on but I won't.

If the testing of my faith will produce endurance I should be ready for a marathon very soon! Maybe a triathlon even because I can tell you that I am having some serious questions right now! My faith has been challenged for sure. Then I read - endurance must run it's course. Oh boy! How many rejections will we have before endurance has run it's course? Oh, goodness! Seriously? Really? God, are you telling me I'm in for the long haul? You know I am weak in spirit and I am somewhat of a doubter right now. Because my faith is low I am being tossed about in the sea? Yes, I am. I get it! I hear you! Now just help me learn to get through it! Can you help me with some extra patience perhaps? Can you spare some extra grace and give it to me? I have said some not so nice things to you the last few weeks.

Oh but it does not end there my blog reader-people! Let me tell you what came after that in the book of James...

"Blessed is the man who endures trails, because when he passes the test he will receive the crown of life that He has promised to those who love Him. No one undergoing a trial should say, "I am being tempted by God." For God is not tempted by evil and He Himself doesn't tempt anyone. But each person is tempted when he is drawn away and enticed by his own evil desires. Then after desire has conceived, it gives birth to sin, and when sin is fully grown, it gives birth to death." James 1: 12-15

Ha! Then the big one...this next verse is actually stenciled on the wall above our baby's crib... "Every generous act and every perfect gift is from above..." James 1:17

I rest my case people! I needed to hear that and God showed me the way. This is so funny because I was just telling David that I never hear God. I know some people do but I never feel like I do. I try. I listen but I just don't hear it. But God, being who He is, does know that even though my skull may be thick; I can still read very well.

Just had to share that. I think it speaks for itself. By the way...the verse I was looking for was in Samuel! :)

Bradford Pear Trees Stink!

This has nothing to do with our adoption but I thought it was a noteworthy rambling. If you are a blogger that lives in Middle Tennessee like we do, you may have noticed a strange smell in the air. No....not strange - just bad! If you have many Bradford Pear trees near you they very likely are to blame. We have many on the campus where I work and they are in full bloom. When you step out of your car you get a faceful of it. This crazy weather has them in full bloom! Killer on allergies, too! Pretty but stinky! Random, I know.

Nameless Entry

I have been trying to think of a title for this post but I can't decide on one. Some great ones come to mind but I will spare you a ride on my emotion coaster for the moment. To catch you guys up, we got a call the Friday before last from our social worker. They wanted to show our profile. Thrilling!!! We were overjoyed. We told a few people that we thought would really pray for us and I know they did. Well it was a long 11 days. We were excited, cautious, thrilled, overjoyed, prayerful and hopeful. I woke up this past Friday knowing that this wasn't our time. I get feelings like that a lot and 99% of the time they prove true. Well...we got the call today that this wasn't our time, indeed. I think I knew that as of Friday morning but we found out officially today.

I think I have decided that I am going to suck at this. I know, it's an ugly word but it's how I feel. The waiting to be chosen to only to be rejected thing. I sort of feel like this item on a shelf at the store. There are four other similar to me and I am just hoping that somebody will choose me instead of the others beside me. Our agency shows five profiles at a time. So you have an 80% chance of rejection and a 20% chance of being chosen. Nice odds, huh? Well, the 80% rule swung in our favor. No baby for us this time. I know we have only been officially waiting for 6 months but you know, I don't care - it still sucks! It's awful.

I was thinking that some chance was better than no chance. That a nibble was better than an empty hook but I think I have changed my mind. I have not sleep well in 11 days and it's all I can think about every minute of the day. So I am not made for this. This waiting only to be rejected. It's not my thing. I have had some pretty wild thoughts over the last few days in particular. Things I won't go into but I have just been questioning a lot of things I thought I was solidly surer of. Today - not so sure of anything.

I have been trying to pep myself up today - make myself feel better. Trying to focus on God's word. Things like...His timing is perfect, that He has plans to prosper me and not harm me, that all things work for good for those that love Him and are called according to His purpose, knowing that He too was rejected, knowing I should be patient and wait upon the Lord, that when the child He wants for us is ready than it will be...However, blowing those words into the wind is as easy as blowing the top off of a dry dandelion. That's not pretty. It's not showing strong faith in Him. Maybe not what a Christian woman should say. But it's the ugly truth. It's how I feel today and that's what's on my mind. Lucky I have a place to speak my mind I guess.

I feel hard hearted today. I wonder how many times I can do this because the first time was so horrible for me. Maybe this is what I think I am supposed to do but yet I am not strong enough to do so.

Carrying a heavy heart

Tonight I write with a heavy heart. I have had a sobbering day. As I sit in the quietness of my warm house with my toasty blanket across my lap I can't help but think how lucky I am. I have gotten to talk to my friends today and my family. My husband is in the other room studying for a test that will advance his career and our lives. My doggie-daughters are all snug in their beds. I just had a warm bowl of soup. I have a cozy bed to retire to in a few minutes. I worship a loving God. I have money for gas and food tomorrow. There is also food in the pantry. I have a job to go to tomorrow. I have, in essence, so many things to be thankful for yet realizing that so many people don't makes my heart heavy.

I guess this story starts yesterday. My husband brought home a paper that was being sold by a homeless man in Nashville. He told me about the paper a few weeks ago and I told him to buy one so we could check it out. The paper is actually what they refer to as a street newspaper. It is called The Contributer. It's purpose and goal is to highlight the many facets of the homeless population in the city of Nashville and beyond. You should check out the newspaper at www.nashvillecontributor.org At any rate...I read the paper and really learned about what is going on right under my nose. It is largely produced by private donantions and features articles written by homeless men and women and formerly homeless men and women. Homeless men and women have the opportunity to try selling the papers at no cost to them. If they like the prospect then they can go back and purchase copies of the paper for a quarter. In turn, they sell the paper for 1.00 making a .75 cent profit. This provides an alternative to pan-handeling. A totally brilliant idea in my opinion. At any rate, the stories in the paper are sobering.

Today, I was home from work. (I have had flu-like symptoms for a few days.) So, I watched an episode of Oprah which I never do. However, she was highlighting the faces of the current recession. She featured grown men and women living in a tent city in Sacramento, CA much like the one we have in Nashville. Many of them simply had their lives destroyed when their industry went under when the economy went south. The do not tell their children that they are homeless. They don't want to burden them. A mother of three was featured, also. She and her husband got trapped in the sub-prime mortgage crisis, lost their jobs, their home and then their apartment. Now the mother walks the streets with her kids and lives between two shelters when there is room. Like most Americans, they were already living paycheck to paycheck and now they are at a crisis.

This evening, I talked to my friend and found out that her friend's husband is headed to Afghanistan Sunday. This will be his third or fourth deployment. They are a young couple and they have two small children at home. They told him to plan on being gone for eight months.

So tonight, my heart is heavy. I pray for those that are going without tonight and for those that are far from their families in harm's way. I also pray that we would have our eyes and our hearts more widely open to the things going on in our own backyards. I pray that we can find ways to extend ourselves to others in difficult economic times. I pray that we can do some small thing to make the lives of others a little bit easier everyday. I pray that we would look at our lives and see how we can serve others. I pray most of all that we know how fortunate we are and that we thank God daily for all the ways he has blessed our individual lives.

Greatest Joy - Deepest Pain

So I have been thinking about our birthmom alot lately - whoever she may be. That in itself is difficult...thinking of someone you don't know. Anyway... I keep thinking of how terribly intense my desire is to meet the baby that God intends for us. I, by nature, am not a patient person and to wait with no end in sight is more difficult than I can express. It is terribly hard to see newborns, pregnant mom's, shower decorations, greeting cards, etc. It's like being on a diet and being surrounded by your favorite junk food when you have not eaten for a week!!! As the month's pass, the longing grows stronger.

Towards the beginning of the process we were so busy. We had doctor's appointments to go to, letters of recommendations to get, home study questions that took soooooo long to complete, profiles to put together, baby-proofing to do, homework assignments to complete, classes to attend, etc. Now we have entered the desert of waiting.

I actually used to enjoy going shopping for baby and it made me feel like an active participant in the process. I had something to do to occupy the time. I had to plan and provide things for this child. I had a nursery to get together - many tiny things to buy - so much so that now there is nothing left to buy. I have bought 3 bazillion pacifiers, different bottles, clothes, blankets, crib sheets, car seat, stroller, every soft toy you can think of, mobile, books upon books, socks, bibs, onesies, more pacifiers, more clothes, bath towels, wash clothes, diapers in a million sizes, bath wash, diaper ointment, 4 diaper bags, a selection of 3 and 6 month toys, on and on. There is even a miniature Christmas tree in the baby's room waiting on him/her with presents underneath. Now, I go shopping but I am frustrated because I can't find anyhting else that we need until we know what it is - boy or girl.

I am usually a problem solver, a "find a way to get it done" girl, a "speed this along" task master. Now I am simply someone longing for something so badly that it is indescribable. I am trying to be patient when there is little patience to be found. I am wondering if God really thinks I can do this. I look at my life and think, well - it could not have happened to a more patient person - NOT! Everyday on the way to work I wonder if this will be the day we get the call. This thing called adoption is an a strangely awesome gift in so many ways - not for the weak of heart that's for sure. However, at the end of the day I have really been thinking about our birthmom and praying especially for her because in our greatest joy she will experience her deepest pain.

A few things going on with us...

1. It is confirmed, after two years of dealing with polyps in his sinuses, David is going to have to have surgery. He had a CAT scan today and despite constant medical treatment, 2 years of allergy shots, and countless other things - they have grown and must come out. We are looking at possible dates for surgery. We are NOT looking forward to this!

2. The biggest headache of the last eight months, at mt work, may be coming to a close. Thank goodness - I was really starting to consider what the future might look like job wise. Things were at a rolling boil and it has settled back down to a simmer.

3. I am absolutely loving the weather! Yesterday and today have been in the high 60's to low 70's in middle Tennessee. It is just awesome! We got to open the windows and I loved the fresh air. It felt like it breathed new life into the house!

4. Good news - our pastor and his wife are expecting their first child in June! What a blessing!

5.......good night.

Journaling

So I have been thinking about journaling for our baby for sometime now. I bought a little spiral notebook thing months ago and put it away. I never knew what to write, where to start, who to address it to - if anyone, etc...but it seemed like a novel idea. Rewind to a few days ago. I found a very neat journal that I really liked so I bought it. I have decided to write it for and to our baby. I have a million thoughts a day about "baby" and I wonder if any creature could ever know how much I love him/her, how much they have been prayed for, planned for, thought about, etc. So I have decided to write a series of letters to "baby" to share my thoughts. I think a long time down the road I will be able to share this and hopefully it will be something very special. I think I am going to use the original journal to write letters to our birthmom - whoever she is. I would also like her to know how long I have loved her child before we ever even knew that our lives would touch. I think that if I was a birthmon it would mean a great deal to me. Waiting is hard but I want the days to be marked somehow - not just a random passing of time. If I was pregnant there would be doctors appointments, ultrasounds, showers, etc. Since that is not the case I thought journaling might help "pass the time" and give me something to focus on. Hopefully, one day, it will be a great treasure for our child to have. I'll let you know how it goes. Speaking of waitig, we hit the 5 month mark February 2, 2009. Hope it's not another five past that.

Malachi 3:3 says: 'He will sit as a refiner and purifier of silver

This was on the back of our church newsletter last week. It spoke to me and where I am right now so I thought I would share it with you.

This verse puzzled some women in a Bible study and they wondered what the statement meant about the character and nature of God. One of the women offered to find out the process of refining silver and get back to the group at the next Bible study. That week, the woman called a silversmith and made an appointment to watch him work. She didn't mention the reason for her interest beyond her general curiosity.

As she watched the silversmith, he held a piece of silver over the fire and let it heat up. He explained that in refining silver, one needed to hold the silver in the middle of the fire where the flames were hottest as to burn away all the impurities.

The woman thought about God holding us in such a hot spot; then she thought again about the verse that says: 'He sits as a refiner and purifier of silver.' She asked the silversmith if it was true that he had to sit there in front of the fire the whole time. The man answered that yes, he not only had to sit there holding the silver, but he had to keep his eye on the silver the entire time it was in the fire. If the silver was left a moment to long in the flames, it would be destroyed.

The woman was silent for a moment. Then she asked the silversmith, 'How do you know when the silver is fully refined?' He smiled at her and answered, 'Oh, that's easy - when I see my image in it.

If today you are feeling the heat of the fire, remember that God has his on you and will keep watching you until He sees His image in you.

So I have been thinking and a certain situation I am in has definitely got me feeling the heat of the fire, so to speak. The question I have is what does "she" mean when she says that He will keep watching me until He sees His image in me. I was thinking...am I going to continue to feel the burn until I take a certain action? Is God waiting on me to do something, to see something different in me? I am perplexed. I like the God keeping His eye on me part but the seeing His image in me is perplexing?! Any thoughts on this folks? Please feel free to give me your thoughts. Especially you, Gavio (if you are reading)...you are wise beyond your time, after all. I mean that sincerely not sarcastically.

The Shack

I'm reading a book entitled "The Shack" by WM. Paul Young. Please tell me if you have read it...what you thought...what you liked...what you didn't...etc. I'm interested to see what you guys thought of it. I have been surprised at times, sad at times, found things I liked and afraid that some people make take some parts as biblical truth that aren't necessarily at other times. Can't wait for you guys to sound off.

So you are out there...

Hello people...and a big shout out to all my new friends that have been reading the blog. You all are funny people. You read for months but never say hi and just when I think nobody is out there listening you leave me the sweetest comments! You guys are awesome! Your just like me..a lurker... I read blogs but never comment! LOL! What a funny thing we have in common.

So, no baby related things happening to tell you about. The only thing going on is at work. it's a terrible mess as usual. The admin needs a total overhaul! It's so true that you should be careful what you pray for because God just might answer. I prayed that I would recieve the promotion I got in July but now, most days, I think supervising is for the birds! I love my staff but the admin is awful!!! Oh well, I am just thankful to have a job in these hard times and I shall hush complaining.

David is in the study mode as he is preparing to take his CPA exam. I am trying to learn to be quiet so he can study. The two hours a night where I sit around alone and try to be quiet is difficult for me. I don't like hanging out by myself much. Maybe I should write my autobiography! Anybody interested in my life story? LOL!probably not although it is soap opera-ish! Could be good!

Bella got a new doggie bed today. I will have to take pictures for you. It actually matches my recliner so we can lounge beside each other and look stylish at the same time! I need to get to bed because I have a long day tomorrow! God bless you all..lurkers included...peace be with you and have a safe weekend!

Feeling Cold

For those of you that read our blog which I often don't update like I should...well, I felt like writing to you today. Actually I wanted to last night but was feeling to cold to do so. Not literally but emotionally. Yesterday was a wierd day... sort of. I went over to the Bethany office to deliver some paperwork so that we may have our profile put online for birthparents to see. For me that office is a hopeful place. I feel good when I go in there. Everyone is upbeat and friendly and encouraging. The work they do for children and families is awe-inspiring. I feel closer to our baby when I go there. However, lately I have been feeling far from baby and I felt empty leaving there yesterday as I passed the family room where so many placement ceremonies happen - while feeling that my day is so far away. I am attributing this from feeling lonely over the holidays because our baby isn't home. This child, be it concieved yet or not, is real to me and part of my family already and I missed him/her desperately over Christmas as you would any absent family member. So instead of feeling hopeful after leaving the office yesterday I just felt sadly cold and a little empty.

On the way home I was thinking that we should have heard from the grant we applied for by now to help with the adoption. So I ran my errands after work...got home...went to the mail box...and there it was an answer to my prayers - the letter we have waited for from the grant agency. I opened it in the dark cold of the drive way and could barely read the words under the streetlamp. The words that I had imagined were there were not. No grant. A line about the high volume of applicants. A few lines later encouraging us to still be faitful to God's call and then a Bible verse that I don't remember because I was to disappointed at the moment to really pay attention.

Long story short... we are bummed. David handles everything better than me but I am bummed, cold, lonely and apathetic a little. I know others have waited a lot longer but the desires of your heart start way before your "paper approval date". So I wanted to share with you. I share the good, the common and now the disappointing.

I taught a class this morning as I often do for work and on the break I was listening to a girl saying she goes to the doctor tomorrow to hear her baby's heartbeat for the first time. I wanted to run from the room. I was thinking...thanks for letting me experience this one God, I really not feeling sad enough already. So I am sad today and just feeling cold.

I hope all of you are healthy and happy and I thank you for letting me share with you and for those of you who read and remember us.

For the love of dogs...

Ginger helping me read the comics!


Bella resting behind the pillows on the couch.


Ginger taking a snooze beside her daddy.


My baby...Roxie Foxy!

Especially for Gavin!

My good buddy Gavin Richardson has this thing for dressing dogs in clothes. If you asked him about it he would deny it but that's only because Coe and Crimson don't have any cool clothes like Roxie Foxy! The following string is for you buddy!

Random Christmas Pictures

Kenzie rocking her Aeropostle shirt!


Kenzie after opening her Mario Kart game for the Wii. What a face?!


My best buddy Ashley gave me this idea to put up multiple trees. She divides hers into themes. I loved the idea and I have more ornaments that can fit on one tree so we divided them up and did three! I love Christmas and all the lights and trees are awesome! Thanks for the inspiration Ashley!


This is ous our "blue and white" tree


Our beach tree all lit up!


Our beach tree...my favorite tree!


David and Roxie Foxy in front of one of the trees

We are alive!

No excuse for not posting except that we have been just busy busy since Thanksgiving. I have been off of work since December the 18th and it has been superb!!! I get depressed just thinking about the stress of going back to work but I am so thankful to have a job right now! I know it's tough out there right now for many folks.

I have had a wonderful Christmas full of little joys that made the season special. The empty nursery thing is hard. Way hard! I hope that 2009 finds us bringing our baby home. I am just so beyond ready that I have no words. Tomorrow marks the fourth month of official waiting.